finding you

sixty one

I already kind of see you as mine.

Is this for real? Did he really say those words? Should I be feeling this surprised by it? Perhaps this whole time, Rhys has been seeing me as his girlfriend and I've just been... well, being a self-saboteur, as usual. Could I really have been this daft this whole time? Wait, no. He literally called me his non-girlfriend not two weeks ago when he was drunk.

"What do you mean?" I respond, not realizing I have slowed down on the gas, considerably, since he spoke. I'm on the highway and I'm going miles below the limit. Maybe I won't speed up. Maybe I want to relish in this conversation a little bit more.

"I mean what I mean. I didn't really talk about what after summer means to us because I just never know what you're thinking. I honestly just really wish you would have told me."

"So, it doesn't weird you out?"

"Theo, why would it? I'm beyond excited. I'm just confused as to why you didn't tell me. It makes me feel like you didn't want me to know."

I breathe out a sigh. I didn't want him to know. But I honestly do not know the real reason why. I am in constant belief that Rhys doesn't actually see something serious between us. I am convinced I'm not good enough for him.

"I feel like very... insecure about us," I say with complete honesty. "And I don't know why. I don't want to allow myself to get to close."

He's quiet for a moment, but I soon hear him whisper. "I won't hurt you." He sighs again but keeps his hand on my thigh, rubbing the inside of it with tenderness. My heart swells. "I know you feel insecure, and my actions haven't helped that. I'm sorry."

"Do you want this? One hundred percent? Let's just be blunt about it right now," I blurt. We connect our eyes for a moment, but I quickly turn back to the road. His expression is impassive, giving nothing away.

"I know I don't want to say goodbye anytime soon," he finally says. "Theo, I'm crazy about you. My only concerns are about me. I'm not... I'm not good for you, Theo. I know I'm not. But I'm too selfish to keep myself from you. Fuck, I'm too fucking selfish."

He puts his head in his hands and immediately I feel the need to hold him. Why does he think that? How can he think that? He's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

"Rhys," I breathe. I don't even know what to say.

Instead, I slow the truck down. We're only about halfway to Growers but I pull over anyway. I turn onto a grid road and drive down it for a bit before stopping the truck completely.

"Theo, what are you..."

I catch him completely off guard by leaving my seat and maneuvering myself so I'm on top of him. He reflexively holds me to him, but he looks confused as ever.

"Shh," I whisper. I wrap my arms around his neck and place a soft kiss on his cheek. He's cradling me like a baby. "Rhys, you are the least selfish person I know. I've known who you were for years, but I never ever thought I'd actually get to know you, and I'm so thankful I've gotten the chance to. You're so beautiful, Rhys Collins. Inside and out."

He doesn't say anything and I can't see he his face because my face is pressed up against his neck.

"Beautiful," I repeat. "Incredible. Breathtaking. Remarkable."

I hear a snort and I know that he's smiling. He maneuvers me so that I'm straddling him and facing his face head on.

"What are you doing, Leigh?" He raises his eyebrow and smirks. "Where have you been?"

"I've been here. Waiting... for you." I smile at him. "As corny as that sounds," I add.

He chuckles, squeezing my hips, and I involuntarily get a rush of shivers. He notices and smirks. "You're a dork."

I smile even bigger. "Your dork," I say without thinking.

Something changes in his eyes. They darken, the look of hunger replacing the adoration he had in them seconds ago. I feel a hunger within me. It's like he's reflecting what I'm feeling. Perhaps we're reflecting each other.

Suddenly, the feeling of big hands crawls up my shirt, tickling my bare skin. I gasp at the contact. I breathe for a moment before I'm being brought possessively against him. Our noses are basically touching, and we just spend a moment staring into each other's eyes. His eyes are deep oceans of blue and I find myself falling deeper and deeper. I want to tell him that I think I'm falling in love with him, but I think it's too soon. I don't think we're ready yet.

I may not tell him how I feel, but I want to show him.

I don't even look at our surroundings. It's pitch black out, aside from the stars and the crescent moon above us. We're on a grid road and nobody is around us.

Slowly and tentatively, I reach around the back of neck and pull him to me. Our mouths immediately connect, the tension has already been building between us. I want some relief. I want him.

Our mouths move in sync, sparring yet possessing each other. I surprise myself by taking a sort of lead, taking him with me wherever I go. I pull his head over to the side so I can plant several kisses along his jawline and neck. He groans against me and I feel encouraged. I feel a rush of heat gather between my legs and I grind my hips against him to find some kind of relief.

He breathes heavily against my ear, and I know he's losing his control. His hands grasp my hips and pulls, grinding himself against me. Oh God. The feeling of him doing that is exquisite. I throw my head back to relish it. I want more, and I think the fact that we're doing this with all of our clothes on is turning me on even more.

I wonder...

I'm wearing sweat shorts right now. They're baggy... easy access. I wonder if he would...

I don't allow myself to think about it or else I will back out. Plus, I can't think about anything with him kissing me like this.

His lips are sucking on my neck when I grab his hand rub it against myself. He groans, hungrily. I was worried for a moment he wouldn't touch me, but he seems to be more than willing right now. He continues to rub me for a little while before I start to feel his fingers make there way up my shorts. His fingers begin teasing the lines of my panties and I nearly combust at the fact.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. On one hand, I'm incredibly nervous- maybe even frightened. I've never gone this far with anyone. But on the other hand, I've never felt so alive than I do right now. I don't want my fear to take over me again.

I want this.

Instead of verbally telling him to go ahead, I slip my fingers into my shorts and move my panties to the side for him. He almost doesn't notice until his eyes snap up to mine. My breath is taken away when I look at them. They are utterly blazing with a heat I've never seen before. I look away from him. It's too overwhelming to see him like this. He looks so... domineering.

"Theo, holy fuck. You're... soaking." His voice is heady, filled with hot, breathy rasp. The sound alone almost sends me over.

I don't respond I just kiss his neck and roam my hands all over him. He's such a beautiful man. Does he know this? It has me in absolute awe.

His fingers are teasing me, not quite entering me but it's still enough to make me crazy. 

Holy fuck.