I'm Counting Every Lie

11: how to be a person

FOUR: Forgive.

Realize that some people are still learning. If forgiveness is not possible then think of everything you’ve ever wanted to be forgiven for but weren’t. Hold that uneasiness in your mind until you feel your desire for absolution becoming a wish. Realize you can grant this wish for others. If you are waiting for forgiveness, be prepared to wait. Be prepared to stand in the path of time and wither. Respect that forgiveness is difficult. Not all traspasses are equal and not everyone will heal according to your schedule.

FIVE: Accept that farting is funny.

Granted not always appropriate and sometimes unpleasant. But if you cannot laugh, if you are more offended by a fart than by war, famine, political corruption, deforestation, racism, sexism, classism, the wrongfully imprisoned, the treatment of women, the foreclosing on homes while banks debts are forgiven, if a fart offends you more than any of that then you are not a person and you cannot be helped. Join the cult. Have some kool aid.

SIX: Know that love is a vulnerability but not a weakness.

Love is the volunteer in you that raises its hand and steps forward without needing to be rewarded. Love is a currency that functions in reverse because the only way to be wealthy with it is to give more of it away.

SEVEN: Don’t laugh to fit in.

Laughter should be honest. If there is no sincerity in your joy then your happiness will be a forgery that fools only yourself.

EIGHT: Do not fear to be hated.

But be cautious towards those inhabited by hate. You will be hated. Regardless of who you are, what you say or what you do. You will be hated for your successes or your failures. For good looks or bad looks. For intelligence or stupidity. Hate is the child of the hater. Nurtured by the belief that has fed you. Often you will have no control for what you are hated for. Know that antipathy becomes the master of its owner. Know that if you are going to be hated regardless of who you are then be fearless enough to be who you want to be. Hate is no more eloquently articulated than in a poetry of the expression “Not Your Fucking Problem.”

NINE: Try.

The tiniest dream that you try to make happen is worth more than the biggest dream you never attempt.

TEN: Be savagely thankful and continuously in awe of the power you possess.

You are alive inside of an endless cosmos with a freedom that shines brightest in the dark. Choices. Your choices belong to you so intimately that they will never leave you. They, unlike the changing nature of love or the failing machinery of our bodies, will never abandon you to time. Good or bad they will stay always an antique, that shows the future who you were and what you stood for. So know that what you choose to stand for is what will inform you of what you’ve chosen to stand against, so stand. Let each foot crashland into what you believe and  plant them there firmly so they may take root in your convictions. And stand.

I read it and then write something that goes alone with it.

One: my voice is magic and music. I cant sing but I love to scream. Nobody will ever know this because I'm so self conscious of my voice but I can share my wiccan experiences with kellin.. or I could..

Two: I do love what my wiccan lifestyles does to me, it brings out a better me.

Three: I need to apologize to kellin

Four: I need to forgive him and myself

Five: in class a few months ago I accidentally farted in class and everyone laughed at me and called me gross. I still feel my cheek fair red and my soul burn as I think about it to this day.

Six: love made me feel vulnerable and I hated it..

Seven: it's hard to laugh

Eight: I use to fear being hated but I think I dont care anymore, everyone already hates me.

Nine: do I try?

Ten: I don't feel like I have any power right now..

I put my journal away and look at my pale fat thighs. I hate my body sometimes. Yet again I sighs it's like a backwards yawn in a way but it still means I'm tired. More mentally and not physically. I put some sweet perfume on and then blow dry my hair.

After my hair is dry, messy, and bouncy, I leave my pretty purple themed room and trot down my loud stairs. Each step makes me feel heavy because how loud I am. Nobody's here so it doesn't really matter. When I walk to my kitchen I keep my eyes on my feet. My toenails are black just like my thumbs but theres no purple on my other toenails.

Each cabinet is checked for something that looks appetizing but I find nothing. The refrigerator and freezer doesn't have anything either. I hate everything..  I sink down and sit on my cold dirty floor. The off white cheap plastic tiles are old and desperately needs to be replaced like most of the things in this house. I'm still thankful for this house..

Movement makes me look over to see- josh. Oh. He comes over from the living room and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. I get off the dusty floor and wrap my arms around my waist grabbing my hips. "W-why are you here," my voice breaks a little due to crying earlier. Does it look like I've been crying?

"I dunno. I don't want to go to school? I cant be home? Kellin told me to come here? It's not a big deal," he says with no emotion. When he laughed the other day it was a really good look on him. To be honest I dont even remember what he laughed at but I do remember how he genuinely looked happy. He doesn't look happy now, not sad either. Just.. bored.

I should be mad at him for pushing me but I'm too numb. Im to out of it. I have no energy to argue with him to get him out. My mum would be upset with me if I made him leave too..

After not responding and more or less just numbly staring at josh he shifts under my gaze looking uncomfortable. He doesn't like me but he sure is doing s lot to be on kellin's side. I want to ask him how he knows kellin.

I go to put my hands in my pockets but- oh- I dont have any. Because I dont have any pants. "Oh," I mumble looking at my legs embarrassed. We are both boys and he's straight so I shouldn't feel shy. They are just legs. My legs. He looks at my legs and then quickly away.

"It stinks in here," he says bluntly. I would feel offended but I only feel embarrassed. It really does sink of mold and rotting wood.

"My room doesn't smell.." I mumble and he nods a little and starts walking to my room. Oh. I guess I did offer? I follow him to my room. It has a wax melting running 24/7 so it smells like pine and whatever candles and/or incense I light.

Maybe with him in my room with me I wont be lonely- really Oli? This guy just pushed you down and bullies kellin and a lot of other people.

Thoughts?

Theories?

Words: 1980

Oli?

Josh?

Observations?