Starlight | Fillie

Lovesick

Three years before, Finn felt just like she is feeling now. Alone. Desperate. Hopeless.

A part of her thinks she deserves it, while the only tiny part of her body which still loves her and that doesn't let her to crumble to her own self distraction is telling her to react and let him go for good, saving herself from a person who will never do her any good.

The flow of thoughts doesn't stop there. Once she reaches her parents' house, Millie silently thanks her driver, and carries her few belongings with her as she knocks at the white door of the her old mansion.

The one who opens it is Kelly, her mother. Her parents have come back from London with her, and the signs of sleepiness and jet lag are still splashed on her face too.

In that disturbing quietness, Kelly looks at her Millie better, surprised to see her there.

"Mom." She sobs, a crystal beam shining as it creeps out of the corner of her right eye.

"Millie?" Before she even realizes it, she has her daughter wrapped around her, chest contracting in fast and heartbreaking movements.

After a few moments, she helps her walk with a arm around her shoulders and they both go upstairs, to her bedroom. Millie loves sleeping with her mother when she feels sad or scared— actually, she loves doing it even with another person, but that would have never happened again.

So, she limits to lay herself down, snuggling her face in her mother's chest as Kelly rubs small and comforting circles on her hair.

"Shh, Millie. Calm down.."

"I am fucking everything up, mom. I am a mess. I am a fucking mess." She lets out softly, just because she can't let out her voice entirely as her breaths is inconstant.

She is not even used to cuss but here she is, not giving a damn anymore.

"You're not a mess, but you have to tell me what happened, honey."

"Too much— too much s-stuff. Mom, I am sick of this. I am s-sick." She repeats, and each time she does she feels like a fragment of her disappears.

"I want to die."

It comes so sudden. Four words, endless pain.

A phrase that sums it all up; that Millie is tired to feel useless, unappreciated, hated, left drowning in a tumultuous sea made of judgement. She is tired to not feel loved, to feel scared, and being frail in front of the events. Running away from something that she knows, deep down inside, that comes within her and no one else.

"Stop saying this. Millie, you don't mean anything you say. You don't mean it." Kelly hides the pain of seeing Millie curled up like this, and begging the world to stop bothering her.

She went through this too many times. Even if she knows that the world doesn't revolve around her, she wishes that people would stop being mean at her. That they could see her as a normal person, human, with feelings and not just— a toy, an image to project your inner desires and frustration.

Millie wants to feel like a person. Loved everyday. Seen for who she is: a twenty years old that loves singing, dancing, acting and spread positive vibes.