Loaded Gun, Empty Arms

5. Bloody Blade

I've been staring at the ceiling for an hour now. I look over at my captor only to be met with his back. I sit up quietly and pull up my sleeve a bit to scratch at my bandages. I pick at them slightly, the urge to break skin getting stronger. I got up slowly, careful not to wake him up. 

I started walking around the room, trying to take my mind off of it. I know it's not good for me. 

I notice a butterfly knife left out on the table. I look at it and look back at the sleeping owner. I pick it up and open it carefully. I trace my thumb over the edge, testing its sharpness. 

One more couldn't hurt, right?

Yeah. Just one more. 

I took the blade into the bathroom and closed the door quietly. I flicked on the light and sat on the toilet. I started undoing the bandages on my right arm. I rolled them neatly as I unwrapped them. 

I don't need to do this.

But it feels so much better.

It hurts...

You deserve the pain.

I pressed the blade to my arm until blood started to bubble. I couldn't feel it.

See? You're fine.

I dragged it across my arm slowly, watching it tear apart my skin. It was a cleaner cut than the others. It was pretty. I choose another place to cut.

2...

3...

4...

5...

I smiled slightly at how clean the cuts were. At how easily and smooth the blood bubbled out. 

"Feel better?"

I looked up to see them standing in the doorway. He wasn't looking at me, but I could tell his eyes were as cold as ever.

I looked down and clamped my hand over the cuts to hide them, "How long have you been standing there...?"

"Three?"

"Five..."

He looked at me and nodded slightly, "So? Do you feel better now that you did it?"

"A little..." 

Why was I telling him this? I had no reason to. I had no reason not to. 

"How much do you usually do?" He was closer now. He took the knife from me and twirled it in his hand. Closing and reopening it with skill. 

"Why?"

"Answer the question."

I sucked in a breath and lowered my head, "Nine or ten..."

He hummed slightly and grabbed my arm, "Then let's do four more."

I tensed and looked up at him, "Wh-What?"

He pressed the blade to an old scar and pain shot up my arm when it pierced flesh, "You need more, right? I'll do it for you."

"W-Wait..."

I tugged at my arm, trying to get it free from his tightening grip. I watched him cut open my arm. A matching cut to the other five, "Six."

He pressed it to another spot and cut me open easily once again, "Seven."

I winced this time. I squinted slightly when I felt tears gather in the corner of my eyes, "St-Stop..."

"Why? I'm just doing what you were." He looked me in the eyes as he added another to the set, "Eight." His eyes were dark and cold, making me shiver.

I whined at this one and gripped his arm when he went to add a ninth, "wait! I don't want any more! I'm better now. Eight is enough..."

He narrowed his eyes slightly, "No. You said nine or ten. You're not better. You're crying." 

"Because you're cutting me..."

"And? You were doing it just a moment ago? What's the difference?"

"It's different because I want to do it!"

I froze slightly at what I said. I never thought I would admit it out loud. It felt pathetic too.

"So you lied to me? You're not better." He sighed and put the knife in my hand, "Here. Do it yourself then."

I looked at the bloodied blade in my hand and looked up at him, "Wh-What...?"

"You don't get satisfaction from it unless you do it yourself, right?" He narrowed his eyes and looked down at me, "So do it. Do the final cut."

I blinked a few times and looked down at my bloodied arm. I gripped the knife and clenched my jaw. I pressed the blade to my arm and dragged it across my skin slowly once again. I cried out slightly when I re-opened a healing cut. I closed my eyes and clasped my hand over the cuts again. I clenched my free hand into a fist.

Why does it hurt so much? It's never felt like this before...

He sighed and I could hear the disappointment in his voice, "Get up...." 

He grabbed my hand tightly, staying careful of my cuts, and dragged me to my feet. He dragged me to the sink and grabbed my face roughly. 

"Open your eyes."

I kept them closed as I held my arm. I didn't want to see the mess I was.

"Open your eyes or I'll make you open them."

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at myself. My eyes were bloodshot and red from crying. They were still a bit puffy as well. Blood was running down my arm, falling from my fingers and dripping onto the floor.

"Look at how much of a mess you are..." He put his head on my shoulder and made me expose my neck more, "You can take it out on someone else instead of damaging your body...."

I stiffened slightly and shook my head slightly. He didn't like that.

He pulled up his sleeve and forced the knife into my hand again, "Here. I'll show you how much better it is."

My eyes widened slightly at the action. I tilted my head slightly as his touch suddenly became gentle. He took my hand in his and guided me, making me cut his arm. 

I felt him wince and my heart stopped slightly. In a good way. Like when a rollercoaster stops right before the drop. 

"See...? Isn't it better to do it to someone else?" 

I nodded absent-mindedly and traced the cut gently, smearing the blood. 

He chuckled in my ear and took the blade from me carefully. He was acting like I could go feral and abuse the power he just gave me. I should have. 

"Let's get you cleaned up and back to bed. Does that sound good?"

I leaned into him slightly and nodded. It did. It really did. 

He hummed and I looked back up at our reflection. My eyes widened a bit at the look in his eyes. They weren't cold. They were empty, sad even. 

I didn't have much time to think about it. My head was getting heavy and it was hard to think. 

He supported my weight and got some bandages out. He held my arm over the sink and I watched him start to clean each one of them gently. He then proceeded to wrap my arm neatly. He wet a rag with warm water and cleaned the tears from my face next.

I tensed slightly when he suddenly picked me up, "Alright. Time for you to get some rest."

I looked up at him, his eyes were back to cold. 

Was I imagining things...?

He laid me down and pulled the blankets over me, "Go to bed or I'll smother you."

A soft sigh passes my lips and I roll over and curl up. I let myself pass out from the blood loss. I sunk into a quiet darkness slowly. It was as relaxing and comforting as ever.