My Real Diary

March 13 - A wonderful start to something good

This is a long one.
     I haven't written in almost a month. I guess things have been pretty uneventful. Same shit different day, usually. We still haven't been able to get jobs but we are now going to start working for TANF (look it up) so at least that's an income for now. Jack and I, our relationship has been...slightly rocky. That's mostly due to him becoming a full blown alcoholic again. He actually doesn't want to be, he went most days drinking just a small amount, but before he knew it he was hooked and wasn't able to stop without it killing him. When he did stop cold turkey, after even just an hour or so, seizures, liver pain, and crazy mental health ensued. The past few days I couldn't even be around him because he would start an argument over everything and just start YELLING at EVERYONE. He yelled at poor baby Sunny the other day for grabbing a drink off the table (that he left there), she started crying which pissed him off more. He just yelled louder and I yelled over him "PLEASE CALM DOWN!" he yelled even louder, almost on the verge of tears, "I CANT!!" and it honestly made me feel really bad for him. I know how hard it is to control my emotions sometimes and calm down even though I'm not going through alcohol withdrawals. No, he shouldn't take it out on us, but if he really has no control over it, then I truly don't blame him and it hurts my heart seeing him how he's been. Anyway, this happened right before were supposed to go to Walmart. He kept yelling at me saying, "If you were watching her she wouldn't have grabbed it, fucking help out for once!" Because I was in the room getting dressed and last I knew, he was in the living room with her. It made me mad though. I do absolutely everything. Most days he is either too drunk or too tired and takes a 2-3 hour nap. Who does he think is watching Sunny that whole time? Up until just about a week ago, he was also at his friends' houses like all day long. Not only did that mean I was left, all by myself, with his grandparents, but that I was also the one taking care of Sunny.
     Anyway, he took off to Walmart as I was finishing getting dressed. I texted him why he left when I was fucking getting dressed and he said cause "I" was trying to fight with him. He came back with shrimp for me completely out of the blue. He said "I just thought I'd do something nice for you." And the expression on his face was unlike any form of Jack I'd ever seen. He was...crushed. The saddest, most sincerely apologetic look ever. I could tell he hated himself. It hurt me. He didn't deserve it. He's not the bad guy. Sure he makes some dumb decisions and needs some counseling, but he's an absolute sweetheart whose been hurt by everyone he's ever loved (with me being the exception, I hope).
     Well, later that night, he started going crazy. Talking about how it seems like there's 2 voices in his head and the other one won't let him think and that he wants to kill himself and he's feeling violent and that he hates it, he's scaring himself, this isn't him, etc. He began to calm down and I told him to try to get some sleep and to make some calls for getting help in the morning. I gave the baby a bath and when I came in the bedroom he was on the phone with someone. Then an ambulance pulled up and took him. I barely got to say goodbye and they didn't let him go back inside to say goodbye to the baby. He had a bad seizure in the ambulance before they even left but they got him to the hospital and put him on a 24 hour hold. He said they were great and helped him a ton. They told him not to quit drinking cold turkey but to just slow down. They actually released him yesterday morning even though he was supposed to get out last night.
     All day yesterday he was like a zombie. Didn't know what was going on, could barely walk, couldn't eat, couldn't move without puking. It was so sad. I did my best to make the day easy for him. He was drinking a little at a time too, and he would have small moments of being the normal walking, talking Jack, then nighttime came. He had a friend over who brought some liquor (we drank, Jack had maybe a sip) and Jack was pretty alright. Puking and having small seizures, but able to function. Some time after his friend left, I decided to take a moment for myself while Jack laid down. I went outside for a smoke and about halfway through, Sunny woke up and I didn't know it. Jack basically drug himself outside and started yelling about the baby is stressing him out an he's gonna have a seizure, that he was banging on the wall, but I was outside so I didn't hear it. We got into a fight and I don't know what was said but I ended up sleeping on the couch. I talked to my friend for like an hour and a half and as I was laying down to sleep, some creepy paranormal shit happened (which maybe I'll make that story my next entry). I scooped up Sunny and went to go tell Jack what happened. He went out to investigate and when he experienced it too, it caused a panic attack which strengthened the effects of the withdrawals. He made me call him an ambulance at 2:14am and at about 7am he was released. I was up until almost 4am crying and worried sick. When I saw him get take away in a stretcher and put into the ambulance, I was terrified. I didn't know what was going to happen to him.
     When he did get home, it was nothing but constant pain for him. His liver had nearly failed and his kidneys has 10% function combined. The heating pad helped the pain but not the other symptoms. This time they had told him that he SHOULD quit cold turkey so he had no choice but to suffer. He couldn't think, couldn't move, couldn't eat, nothing. He was calling around town to see if there were any type of facilities that would help him though but, nothing. Finally he talked to someone who said if he went to the office they'd try to have the facility two hours away go get him and take him there. And so he's now in rehab. They're keeping him over the weekend and the depending on what they think after that, he could be there all week. He'll probably be there all week but I'm just so glad he's finally doing it. I can't remember the last time he went two days no drinking, let alone a whole week! So I'm pretty excited for him and anxious on what he'll be like when he's back. Will it be a minor change, will he start drinking 3 days later, or will he be a completely different man? I also think some time alone, away from the stress and shit or our lives will help him. It's gonna be awkward being with his grandparents for up to a week but I can't be happier for him!