My Real Diary

October 2

     Today was pretty good, other than the fact that I've been hungover allllll day. I'm gonna stop drinking and smoking. I don't as much as I used to but I want to make better life choices and stop feeling shitty. Being drunk isn't really that fun anyway, not at this point in my life. Nor is the hangover. Or the fact that if there was and emergency I would be useless. Smoking sucks too. It smells and waking up every morning coughing and having a sore throat is getting annoying.
     Jack and I are getting along a lot better than we were a few days ago. Yesterday he was posting on Facebook a lot about a certain celebrity he has a crush on and because I've been feeling insecure lately, it got on my nerves. But he could tell that it did and sat down and had a nice talk with me. He said if it makes me uncomfortable or pissed off then he won't do it and he shouldn't have, etc. I felt stupid being jealous because I know nothing could ever happen but still. I'm just glad he didn't push my feelings aside. He tends to do that, or make me feel guilty for having them.
     I really wish I could get over my jealousy issues, but all I've ever known is jealousy. Every other guy I've ever been involved with ghosted me for another girl or was using me. Even though Jack and I are in a committed relationship, it worries me that at any time, he could wake up and decide he wants to be with so-and-so. That's why I don't like him associating with any girl but me and of course I know how crazy and unrealistic it is, I just wish I was easier.
     I wish there were some way I could get him to know exactly what I feel. Like if I could transfer my thoughts and feelings from my brain to his, that would be awesome.
     I impulsively cut my hair this morning. I saw an old picture of me in my memories from 4 years ago and my hair wasn't short but it looked like it. I liked it. Suddenly my hair went from mid back length to chin length and I was so scared and while I was doing it I thought I would hate it, but I don't. It's cute. I miss my long hair but it was way too damaged and didn't look good anyway. Now it's fresh and cute and I might dye it black, too. Probably not, but it would be cool.
     I told my mom to call the grocery store and complain about Jack's ex, the cashier from yesterday. She's gonna make stuff up pretending to be someone else. I know it sounds like a dick move but she deserves it from what I've heard about her. Plus, it's not like she'll get fired or anything, she'll just get written up.
     I'm sitting here while Jack is outside with his friends. I'm waiting for him to come in and feed her like he said he would but she's screaming and he's taking too long. It's driving me crazy, he can't get his priorities in order. She's more important than whatever he's doing. If she doesn't gain weight she'll have to go to children's hospital, this is more important.