My Real Diary

October 9

     I'm so tired of my life, so worn out and confused. Jack's mental problems and addictions are not only affecting him, but everyone around him. Especially me. I'm the only one who truly cares about him. His grandparents barely do, nobody else ever has. He has no friends anymore, he blocked them all basically. I'm the only one who cares. I'm the only one closest to him that can be so deeply affected. He tries to attempt to help himself, but I personally don't think he does the right ways. He'll get better some day, but life will not be the same as it used to be.
     Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this life. I love him, yes, but it's much deeper than love. We love each other, but have so many other problems. I know what I did to deserve this. I've done bad things. I never killed anyone or anything like that. It was the time I backed into somebody's car and broke the taillight, then had no money to pay them back. That's part of it. The other part I'm sure is the time I slept with some other girl's boyfriend. Then I lied about it to her when she confronted us, because he made me.
     The truth is, I did. I was hurting over this other guy who used me for sex and left me in my feelings. It was meaningless on both ends, but I knew he had a girlfriend and I knew her and it should have never happened. Every so often I want to tell her the truth, but it's been almost 2 1/2 years and she's married to some one else expecting a baby. I don't want to open old wounds, so I get this karma.
     I'm gonna have to figure out how to fix this..
I can tell today is gonna be a shitty ass day. Not gonna go into details, but last night was a hard night. On top of that there's something wrong with me. My back hurts so hard I can barely move and last night Jack and I had sex and it hurt so bad in my abdomen. I'm gonna have to make a doctor's appointment. Well, I'm babysitting and gotta feed Sunny and her aunt so I'll probably write later today.

Later

I'm gonna make this one short because I gotta clean this damn room and get to bed. I'm pretty sad that Jack went and blocked all of his friends. I get that he feels the way he feels and he wants people that'll actually be there for him, but they were. To an extent. I got along with them too, most of them. But if that's how he feels that's how he feels. I thought he had good friends but I guess not.