My Real Diary

January 12

     Fuck Disney movies. They always have happy endings and that's just not reality. You don't just stumbled upon "the one", the person who has no flaws whatsoever and fall completely head over heels in love and then get married and have babies and live happily ever after. What happen after the credits? Name calling, regret, tears, desperation. They don't show you Cinderella passed out at the dining table with wine in her hand while Prince Charming crashes on his buddy's couch. You don't see Ariel wishing she could reverse time to before she met Eric and got those dumb legs because Eric is an abusive piece of shit. Or Snow White getting accused of fucking the seven dwarves and, even though she never did anything with any dwarves, her prince calling her names, belittling her, and breaking up with her.
     Fuck it. Just call me Snow White. Jack blocked me the other day of our big fight and I was worried about his safety so I messaged his friends asking around about if anyone had seen him. Guess that mean I'm fucking them right? Even though he was talking to his ex that night, letting HER comfort and soothe him and talking shit about ME to her. AND she went over to see him. That's not suspicious at all. He claims nothing happened but I don't know what to believe anymore with him. It's called projecting. He's doing something he's not supposed to so he wants to make it seem like I'm the one fucking around on him. NOPE. NOT TRUE. I've been the ONLY loyal one throughout this relationship and I'm gonna get accused of sleeping around, I'm gonna get called a hoe, a bitch, told to shut the fuck up, etc. DONE. D. O. N. E.
Like, 4 days sober is a huge step and I'm extremely proud of him, but if this is a symptom of not having alcohol the fuck it all. He needs to stay far the fuck away from me in that case if that's what this is, preferably in a mental institution.
     I CAN'T DO THIS. EVERY DAY IS MORE MENTAL ANGUISH TO BE THRUST UPON ME FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AND I JUST STAND THERE AND TAKE IT CAUSE I LOVE HIM AND IDK WHO I AM ANYMORE. He's STRIPPED me of all I used to be. He's chewed me down to the bone an spit me out and pissed on the pieces that used to be me. The saddest part...I want to get him help so fucking badly that I'll probably forgive him tomorrow. It's always the same. He gets mad and blocks me, sleeps, wakes up, messages me with some half assed apology and I instantly begin taking the orders again. We just have a couple weeks until he's supposed to go to rehab, actually just over one week. After that, I'm gonna make sure his schedule is filled to the brim with counselling appointments, doctors appointments, working, etc.
     Hes lost it. I love this man with my whole heart but I can't be hurt anymore. I can't do it anymore. I can't go on with a perpetual upset stomach from just being so unhappy. It's now or never. He's had endless chances. He gets one more before the only contact he has with me is through the child support agency.
     Fuck all you Disney princesses who got your happy little ending. I deserve one too.