My Real Diary

October 6

All I want to do is go to a fucking pumpkin patch. That's all I've wanted since yesterday, but he was too sick. Today, he hurt his back.
I don't wanna seem like I'm not sympathetic, but this shit is CONSTANT. There's always something wrong with him, usually drinking related, though this isn't one of those times. He can lift TV's and couches for himself but when it comes down to me and his daughter doing something enjoyable, Jack is all but handicapped. It wouldn't be so bad if he talked to me like a normal human being. I wouldn't even be upset. But he sends a passive aggressive message and now won't respond to me. I'm so worn out.
Nobody sees my efforts or my stress. I take care of a baby 24/7. I get treated like a servant. I get treated like I'm a robot who's not supposed to have emotions. I feel stress too, CONSTANTLY. I never get a break, I never have a girls night because I have no fucking friends, and everything I want to do to have a good time gets shot down and I'm stuck. I just want somebody to tell me I'm appreciated and I'm needed. I do everything for other people. I expect basically nothing in return, then I get the people who want and want and want and don't stay true to their promises. I want a normal life! I want change! I'm tired of conflicts and bullshit and nonstop stress!
I want my own husband to care about ME and not what I can GIVE TO HIM! I want one of the days we used to have! Hanging out and enjoying each other! The weight of the world was coming down on us all the time but we had each other and that made it all worth it! Now it's the opposite. I want more. I NEED more. I never ask for anything but now I NEED MORE from this life! I need happiness! I need to find out how to make myself happy and taken care of.
I want to be treated like a human being again, respected. I've forgotten what that feels like for the last 2 years. I've forgotten what it feels like to have a choice. Maybe I'll take Sunny to the pumpkin patch by myself. Not like Jack cares. Sunny has her big appointment soon and Jack says he's going, that he's tired of not being able to go. But will he go? The world may never know. Jack does only what Jack wants to do. His daughter maybe have to go to children's hospital but he may just have an excuse to why he can't make her appointment. I can tell the rest of this day is going to be shitty. Ain't nothing that makes me happy anymore anyway. Gonna get drunk probably. 👋