My Real Diary

January 12

     I called a depression hotline today. It really helped me and in only 45 minutes I started to feel better about the possibility of Jack and I not being together in the near future. We're doing okay right now, but everything can change tomorrow and I've just accepted the fact that no matter how "happy" we are at any given time, things change at the drop of a hat with him. I told him I called and he was elated. He was so proud of me for taking that route rather than self harming, even though that option wasn't really on my mind. He was so supportive of the fact that I called and sought help. The he called me and we actually had the first good talk in almost a year. He was very receptive and encouraged me to point out what I feel is wrong in our relationship and just talk to him about what was on my mind. I talked a lot. I brought up his lack of communication and understanding and his tendency to antagonize me and keep fighting when I want to fix the problem. He told me he's going to work hard to find a house for himself but he's not going to move Sunny and I in until he becomes stable, which I thought was a very mature decision. We're finally accepting the fact that we need to stay separate but still together for a while to focus on the bigger picture, getting our own shit together. Usually it's "If we're apart, you're gonna cheat on me!" "Oh you just wanna be away from me!" Etc. Then he walked me through a way to help me when I'm not feeling great mentally. He told me to take time for myself and to be selfish. I felt really comforted and inspired by our talk.
     BUT...yes of course there's a but. Tomorrow he could be trying to break up with me again. Tomorrow he could be calling me names and saying he hates me. Tomorrow could be just like his morning, or last night, or the day before, or the day before. I'm a little scared to be too happy about this, I feel it may be the cam before the storm.
     BUT...yes, another but. I'm  changing the way I think about things. I'm changing my mentality to hope for a better tomorrow every day and speak/think positivity into everything life throws at me. Jack and I are at a breakthrough point of clarity. We are doing some major soul searching and just focusing on being the best we can be. I knew this hell he's put us all through would pay off. Sounds like a shitty thing to have to say, and it is. But oh well.
     My relationship doesn't define me. I'm not sure if I'm more afraid to be thrown away again, left alone, or see the person I love move on, but seriously after one phone call today I'm super confident that whatever happens, I WILL be okay. Who I am as a person is what defines me. Who I am as a mother and the fact that I'm doing my best to raise a healthy, happy, educated, and wonderful child is what defines me. Not whether or not my boyfriend wants to give a fuck about me the next day.
    One more...BUT...I am hoping for nothing but the best for Jack and I. I have met the man I want to coexist with forever, to build a future and a family with. He's probably one of the most caring, loving, helpful guy I've ever met, but he has this horrible streak of negativity coursing through his veins that he is dead set on seeking help for. I will never again expect any harm to come to our relationship because we are going to nurture and help it thrive. We have both always expected the worst, so that's what God gave us. I think this is the first positive entry I've ever made, which really solidifies my new mindset of speaking into existence what you need. For once, I can say I am GOING to be happy.