My Real Diary

October 12

Tried to take Sunny to a pumpkin patch just now, the one I've been excited to take her to for over a year now, and it was shit. Everything costed which I understand they need the money, but $8 per person to play in a cornbox and go swing? Bullshit. Waste of gas and time.
Jack and I have been doing great actually. Other than the perpetual feeling of hopelessness and despair, our relationship is really good at the moment. Other than yesterday when he really pissed me off and hurt my feelings. We have this mutual friend on Facebook who's a typical horny guy, always sharing photos of half naked girls which, as you know if you've read this far, Jack has a tendency to react to. So I saw this friend of ours share a bunch of models showing off their asses and I saw Jack liked the photo. While I was right next to him, AGAIN, I said "Seriously? Again? I'm tired of you liking all this." So he said "Fine I just unfriend him!"
Lol...like, if you think that's easier than just NOT doing something, then go for it. He then said I was the craziest girl ever, whilst laughing, but it still pissed me off. Like, he gave me all this insecurity and trust issues, and has the nerve to give me a hard time about it? That really gets under my skin, how someone can just mentally fuck with someone they love like that.
I'm just hoping this ends soon. It really makes me feel like shit having to see that, even if it is ultimately my fault for snooping. I don't hide anything from him. I don't like photos of hot guys, I don't hang out with guys, I don't omit any type of information on what I do to hide anything. He does. Even the things he doesn't know I know, I know.
I want to stop thinking about all this though because then I'll want to write about it and I'll get all upset. I just need some type of happiness. I have Sunny and I suppose I have Jack some of the time, but does he make me truly happy? Honestly, the majority of the time, no.
Sometimes I'm very happy but that's usually because I'm reminded of another time. Jack and I used to be extremely happy together. I thought I'd won the jackpot (it's funny even if it's not his real name). He made me feel so unbelievably, insanely happy. Not only happy, but loved, cherished, valued. Everything I don't feel anymore. He was a godsend. I thought I'd never be sad again. Here I am two years later miserable out of my mind. I just want something more. Even if we just go on a nice walk together, with no bickering or complaining, just enjoying each other's company like we used to.
I know I'll never get he honeymoon phase back. But every attempt I make to even remotely recreate it falls flat or blows up in my face and I regret everything. I need more.
I'm so fucking unhappy.
I wish he could see the desperation on my face and do something...anything...to help me. I'm sick and tired of him having more fun with other people than he does with me. He'll go the extra mile for friends but won't even go to the library with me. Just a simple gesture can change my mood, because he's my guy. I care about him, and of course I want to be happy with him!
Just a simple,"Do you wanna talk about it?
Wanna go on a walk?"
Or even,"I know you're not happy, but I will try to help you."
ANYTHING!
ANYTHING other than the constant need to make me feel like shit for my emotions because they offend him and make him feel bad. Like wtf? I don't know anymore. This season just hurts me because it's my favorite, but brings back painful memories of when my soul was whole.
Bye.