My Real Diary

October 10

This morning started out fine. Fine enough. We woke up, it was snowing. We hung out for a little while then Jack made breakfast. At one point he quickly brought some food to me, didn't make any for Sunny or bring her strawberry milk like I asked. The minutes passed and I was waiting and waiting. He never came back so I went to see if he was even in the house still. Nope, he left, but I saw him pull up with his friend from downstairs, Steph, that lives with Jack's uncle, Iggy.
     Jack came in telling me about how Iggy kicked his girlfriend out and now he's allowed to hang out with him. I strongly dislike Iggy's girlfriend and do not allowed Jack around her under any circumstances. So I say "You're going downstairs?" He said "Ya, Steph bought us a bottle and I told him I would have a few shots with him. I'll be gone for 5 minutes."
Ever since he went to make breakfast, my depression kicked in. Feeling worthless and unwanted, now he's gonna ditch me for his uncle? So I said "5 minutes at most or else I'm gonna get mad at you." He said ok. Then texted me saying like "wtf I told you not to stress me out don't give me a fucking time frame." Etc I explained that he stresses me out too. Then I sent him a message about how I'm in a bad place mentally today and just need him here with me, not drinking with everyone. He didn't get it, I'm pretty sure he blocked me on messenger.
He came back about 10 minutes ago and saw me laying down crying. Told me to come to the living room and asked me what's wrong. I told him I didn't know, I just wasn't happy. He said "I know I didn't do a damn thing, so."
     He I guess sort of attempted to make me feel better, but failed miserably. I could tell he didn't care how I felt to begin with just because I pissed him off. He ended our little talk with "I don't know go lay down then or something. You need to stop this and make yourself feel better."
I slinked off the couch and am now laying down again, no happier than before thank you Jack. He's still trying to go and hang out with them and drink. He's never been this excited to hang out with before, except maybe when we barely started dating.
     He's seen my last message telling him I need him with me, but he hasn't opened it. He's still on the couch and I can hear him getting messages from other people and sending messages, but not me. Fuck me for having a hard mental health day.
     He just came back in and was nice. He asked me if he did anything I told him no, I'm just not feeling alright. He said he's gonna make me lots of food today and we're gonna get all bundled up and go to the library. I guess he realized he needs to be nice sometimes.
     It's times like this where I miss my dad. He is who he is and we left him for a reason, but I know he loves and cares for me unconditionally. My mom too, but I see her almost every day. My dad lives hours away, I don't even know where he lives. I just miss being young and having a real family. I wish I could talk to him about how I feel, but I can't anymore. That's not how our relationship is anymore and hasn't been for...forever. It's so hard having nobody to talk to, not even your own fiance who's supposed to always be there. I'm always there when he wants to talk, even when he doesn't, I talk to him. I've never had my emotions so bottled up than I have these past 2 years.
Well, I'll probably write later but if not I'm just gonna publish this anyway so I don't end up publishing 2 parts in the same day. I'm gonna get all dolled up to feel better and what the heck, I'm gonna post my eye makeup in the photo just for the hell of it. Seeya.

Ended up not even really doing any makeup. Just some nude shimmery eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara. Cute though.