My Real Diary

January 15

     Welp, more shit's going on with Jack and his family I have no idea what but part of me really doesn't want to. It sounds selfish but I have been a ball of nothing but anxiety for weeks and every day seems to be just more bullshit thrown at me and it's really taking a toll on my body. My stomach is in knots 24/7 I'm lucky if I can eat a full meal once a day, I get random aches and pains, I'm so tired all the time yet I have such trouble sleeping, my period is even late due (hopefully) to all this stress.
     I hope and pray that everything is okay. He promised me everything will be okay and that this will be the last time. From the way he made it seem, he's getting into a fight with some, probably, really dangerous people. He doesn't fucking deserve this shit and neither do Sunny or I. He's a big boy and can do what he has to, but it has to be the last time. Has to. This whole thing want work otherwise. If he refuses to let go of his past, there's no hope of a future with him. That's just the truth I can pretend that positive thinking and saying that everything will be okay will change that, but it won't. If he doesn't change, no future with him.
     BUT, yes, I am trying my hardest to stay positive. I trust that he will make wise decisions and be safe in whatever situation is happening, but I can't pretend worry doesn't exist. It's there for sure. All I can really do is hope and pray and remain calm. Once we get out of this trash hole town inhabited by sewer creatures, it will be okay. It sucks remembering happy memories, because some of the best took place here. 2011-2017 were amazing years and even though I was still a depressed, emotional teenager, I had unforgettable experiences with people I'll always cherish-
- sidenote: he said everything went well. I don't think I'll go into detail once he tells me but he said everything is okay.
- anyway, this town used to be my home. I used to feel free here and like myself. Now it's just a town that needs to be blown off the map, along with 98% of the people in it. I made my first real best friend here. I met my first love. I did my first rebellious little teenager things. I experienced friends who will probably be with me all my life. I got my first apartment, and I fucking loved that place. That apartment alone was a whole memory I'll always keep in my heart. I met my first TRUE love here. Got pregnant here. Had my baby here. Moved to "our" first house (basement apartment) here. Found Skyrim here. The list goes on and I hate to see the new memories that have been Burne into my mind. The heartbreak and the pain and the constant fucking worry. The most disgusting people you will EVER meet. But hey, it's my town. Once we leave, we'll probably be back.
     Gonna end this on a good note. Everything is going to be perfectly okay. Everything happens for a reason and the reason is growth, happiness, changing for the better. New opportunities. I've allowed myself tonight to succumb a little bit to my worries, but now I'm going to breathe and clear my mind and pray for a better tomorrow with clarity and new roads open to us. ❤️