My Real Diary

October 19

Ugh. I don't know what is wrong with me. Everytime I babysit for my mom I get extremely depressed and dread everything. Like, I can't even begin to describe the pit in my stomach. If I've said it once I've said it million times, I'm so. Fucking. Unhappy. I'm so miserable and I hate my life. I hate having to share a roof with people who hate and disrespect me 24/7. I hate having to see the man I love struggle through addiction and mental illnesses holding both of us back. I hate not having money for basic essentials. I hate not having anybody to really open up to about what's going on inside. I hate not knowing what I actually want.
I have good times and I have bad times. Sometimes, I don't know what's wrong. Most times, I do. When Jack tries to talk to me about my sadness, I don't even know what to say. He brings me food, but that all he can really do. For some reason it helps. Knowing that I have someone to be willing to help me. But it's not enough. I long for real comfort, and I wish I were able to know what I need so I could ask him. I wish I could actually open up without feeling selfish.
I wish I didn't have to live with all this fucking insecurity. How do I bring this up to Jack? How do I ask for what I actually need? How do I feel good again? When was the last time I even felt good?
I remember around this time last year, I wish I could go back. Partly, that is, because it was fucking horrible. That was when Jack's drinking went into full swing. He was waking up at 4am for work, drinking 2 shooters, he'd come home for lunch but would barely see me. I'd try to make him a nice lunch every day but we had a newborn baby and I was so new to parenting that I could barely find the time or energy to cook or clean. Our relationship was absolute shit. We fought constantly. He would come home around 1pm but make his friends and other family members a priority instead of me and his baby. He would drink more, hang out upstairs with his grandparents (where we're currently living), come down at about 5, we'd usually argue. He'd pass out drunk by 5:30. I'd be miserable and horribly depressed. I was so alone and took that time to clean, write in my journal, etc. Jack would wake up around 9-10pm. That little window, before he fell back asleep around 11-midnight, that was the only time he wasn't drunk or angry. We actually could spend an hour or two together without fighting. This was our routine. I fucking hated it, but I got so used to the desolation and severe loneliness...that I got comfortable in it.
Before Sunny, we were pretty happy. Not that I'd ever go back and not have her, but it's true. We're much happier than we were in the beginning of course, because we're used to when we were brand new parents. His drinking though is what ultimately destroyed our relationship and I am so surprised we actually made it through the first 3 months of Sunny.
I guess the point is alcohol destroys people. It is absolutely a drug and when let a few drinks here and there are fine, alcoholism is the fucking devil. Jack used to be a happy, charismatic, caring man when I met him. Alcohol turned him into an angry, dependant man who has no drive, no motivation, and couldn't care less if he had a family or not. I don't wanna make it seem like he's a bad guy. He's really not. He has problems and a lot of stress in his life just like I do, but he doesn't handle it as well as I can. He lets it consume him outwardly. I handle it inwardly and let it consume me that way. Bottom line, if you're going through a rough time and think drinking is the answer, do. Not. Do. It. Put the bottle down and think about yourself and the people around you. You will lose yourself and possibly your loved ones. Those who really love you will stick around and try to help but only for a limited time. People can't be mistreated and watch you waste your life away forever.
Please, don't let a bad period of your life take over your heart, mind, and soul.
Now I'm going to download some songs onto my phone and I'm going to list the belong. Enjoy!

Romantic Dreams, Swerve City, Entombed - Deftones

Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

The Freshman - Verve Pipe

To Be With You - Mr. Big

My Curse - Killswitch Engage

Mona Lisa - Grant Lee Phillips