My Real Diary

February 12

     It is 11pm and Sunny is refusing to sleep. The last couple days I've been putting her to bed pretty early, around 7:30-8:30 and she's been doing wonderfully at sleeping through the night. But today, it's 11pm and I have a wriggling, screaming toddler beside me rubbing her eyes. I've tried feeding her, giving her medicine (she has a fever, she got 4 shots today and has 4 molars coming in 😬) but she won't go to sleep. A while ago, I was frustrated. I wanted to hand her to her dad and run away after about the third time she woke up before I could lay her down. I finally threw the blanket off myself and said "Fine, go play. Let your dad put you to bed." As I watched my baby waddle out the door like a penguin, into the living room to see her dad, I took a deep breath. I followed her into the living room and gave her some strawberry milk and Jack gave her some bubble gum children's medicine. We watched our baby play. She put her toys into their bucket and we clapped for her. Her face lit up and she clapped for herself and kept putting her toys in. She tried to put Jack's shoe on him and kissed his toe. She gave me so many baby hugs and kisses and after about 10 minutes I didn't want her to go back to sleep. But, she has to. So now I'm laying back down with her and her eyes are closed but she's still moving and occasionally waking up. I saw a post on Facebook about my cousin whose baby girl almost choked the other night and how thankful she was to have that next morning.
I felt horrible. I felt like a mean mom, getting annoyed at my daughter who's most likely in pain and is having a hard time staying asleep. I though of tomorrow morning, when she wakes up up at the crack of dawn and we want nothing more than to go to sleep. Meanwhile she's standing in her crib, her diaper full and her belly empty. We'll give her food and let her watch TV while she plays. After the 7th time she throws our phones or gets into the drawers or goes under the table, we silently beg noon to come so she can take a nap. When she wakes up, we'll feed her while she plays, maybe take her on a walk or invent some game with her. All the while, we're wishing 7 would come so she can get her bath over with and go to bed. And that's where I'm at right now. Wanting her to sleep. Dreading tonight, hoping that magically this baby won't be in too much pain to wake up all night. Hoping somehow we can sleep in tomorrow morning.
So when do I stop and enjoy my baby? I mean, I love her to pieces. I would kill and/or die for her. I would live in a sewer to make sure she had a roof over her head. I would go to the ends of the Earth to see her smile. So why can't I enjoy her when she's having a hard time sleeping, or when she's breaking things and ripping her books, or biting us, or refusing to eat, or...
We need to enjoy the little things in life. She's already grown so much right before my eyes, who am I to think that in 10, 15, 40 years I won't be wishing I could go back to tonight? I'm an idiot, that's who. Years from now, I'll be longing to go back to these days even for a moment. To hold my baby girl in my arms and kiss her chubby little cheeks. Or feel her tiny little hand in mine. Or see her wiggle her teeny toes. All I'll have left will be pictures and videos of her. She'll be all grow up some day with a family of her own and I'll look at my adult daughter and see this little baby sleeping by me. I can't stop time. I can't reverse it. But what I can do is cherish each and every moment I have with my baby while she's still a baby. I can vow to keep her safe and happy and comfortable for as long as I'm living. I promise to my little baby that I will be the best mom I can be, forever and always.