NEON

89. Hey Remember?

Song of the chapter- Medicine by Daughter

__________

Kaplan.

"Only twenty minutes left people!" Again more people had bumped and pushed me around. I huffed and walked through the big groups of people and found Gage and Darcy at the front of the church room.

"I swear to god, the next person that pushes me, I'm lighting them on fire." I adjust my dress and look at the two boys who are looking at me with wide eyes. "What."

"You have cake in your hair." Gage says slowly, reaching for a chunk of my hair that has cake in it.

They looked at me like they expected me to blow up and light someone's genitals on fire but instead I just laughed. I guess my mom and I are more alike than I thought.

"Are you okay?" Gage handed me a napkin and I didn't realize I actually needed it until there were tears running down my chin. I kept chuckling and wiped away the wetness on my face.

"I'm fine." I smiled and the stupid priest guy called everyone to their places.

This is it.

Gage took my arm and we walked to the back and found Kelly pacing back and forth. "Kells?" I let Gage's arm go and walked back to her.

"What if I can't do this?" She cries. "What if I mess it up? I love him more than I have ever loved anything and I don't want to lose him." She sobs.

"Kelly," she kept pacing. "Kelly, listen." She stopped and looked at me through wide eyes. "This is it. This is your last panic. He is the one for you and there is no way anyone will be better. You're his and he's yours. That's how it's been for five years. That's how it will be for the next century. You guys are forever and ever." She seemed to believe my words because she had taken a deep breath and smiled.

"Thank you Kaplan." I nodded at her and took my place next to Gage. The music started and the first set of people walked in. Then the next. Then Allan and the other bridesmaid.

Thank god she was here finally. I don't think Kelly would've survived if Kara had to go on in place of Haley or which ever one that was. I can't remember their names and it's not like I'm going to be here long enough to really care.

Gage and I started walking out. We smiled at the rows of people and looked forward every once in a while. My eyes met his and my whole body tensed up.

"Hey, you alright?" Gage whispers next to me. I don't glance at him. I don't even say anything. I keep staring at the floor in front of me. We get to our split point and I immediately walk to my spot.

I don't look up.

Kelly walks in when the music starts playing and I can hear people's feet hitting the floor. I can hear her heels click against the concrete of the church.

I look up long enough to find my dad and Sunday glaring. Viv was focused on me. She lifted her chin and I copied her actions. I know she wants me to be confident and cocky but it's not easy.

He has me on a rope and if I do anything wrong he will pull the stool away from me. It's better that I stay quiet and not make eye contact with anyone than act like nothing happened at all.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to join this man, and this woman, in holy matrimony." I put all of my focus on Kelly and how fluffy her dress was.

I paid close attention to the curls that were dangling from her nice, messy, weird, curly bun thing. I had the urge to fix it but everything in my body stopped me from doing it.

I looked past her and found Gage looking at me. I was startled to find him already staring at me but I collected myself before he noticed.

He mouthed to me but I didn't understand it. Even if I did, I wouldn't have responded. I know he is looking at me and I refrained myself from turning my head to catch his eyes.

If only I could pause this entire wedding and punch him in the face. If only I could go right up to him and scream at him and cut his ass with the hospital bill. If only I could go back in time to my freshman self and tell her that she needed to stay away from him and find Booker.

Booker.

I couldn't bring him into this. I couldn't make him the wall that separates me and Jaxx. I couldn't just fall in love with him and pretend like I'm completely over what Jaxx did to me. It's not right. I need to work on what happened. I need to get serious help and find a way to fix my self before I break him even more.

This fucking sucks.

When is it my turn to be happy? When can I have the guy? When can I win for once? Where is my lifetime drama about love and forgetting about the past? My dad says I'm a princess so what the hell!? Where's my happy ending.

Call me selfish but dammit I am so sick of being everyone's shoulder. I deal with other people's problem before I take care of my own. I care for other people's happiness rather than my own and dammit it sucks.

For once can I just get the guy? Can I be happy and fall in love? Can he be who I spend my life with? I'll believe in all of your stupid rules about marriage and I will start loving children and I will go to church and I won't curse and I will be the best damn person out there, but please, please, please can I win this time?

I know God won't help me. Especially when I don't believe in him but everybody has their weak moments right?

Lately it seems like that's all I have.