NEON

87. Same Thing

Kaplan.

"Thanks for the ice." I thanked Booker for the fifth time. He shows me a small smile and I poke his shoulder. "What are you thinking about?" I asked him putting the ice back on my cheekbone.

"Why didn't you tell me the truth about what happened between you two?" He didn't look at me. "I mean I understand that you barely knew me, but even after." His elbows rested against his knees. "You told me that you stopped it before anything could happen,"

"I did." I felt my cheeks get hot. "But he's stronger than me. He had everything planned out, I couldn't fight back and why would I tell you that?" More tears came down my cheeks.

"I was scared." My voice came out small and I tried so hard to hold back more tears. I didn't want to keep crying today.

"Of what?"

"Of what you would think of me." I don't look at him now. He wipes away a tear that fell from my eye.

"Do you believe that I think you're some slut?" I shake my head. "Do you believe I think you're lying?" I shake my head again and more tears fall. "What is it then?"

"I thought-" my voice didn't let me finish. "I thought you would try the same thing and-" I took a deep breath and stopped talking.

His head went down and I cleared my throat. "I don't think it anymore. Booker." My voice shook and this time I knew it wasn't because I was crying.

I was scared. I had never felt like this before around him. I always felt peaceful and maybe a little irritated but this, this was something beyond those feelings combined.

I couldn't control anything and I was terrified.

"Kaplan, I know somewhere deep inside your heart, you're still scared I'm going to hurt you. And I don't think you understand how hard I'm trying to show you," His eyes were getting watery. "I need you to trust me, when I tell you I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not Jaxx. I'm not your mom. I'm not your dad. I'm Booker. And I am so completely in love with you." The tears in his eyes slipped down his perfectly sculpted face and I took my thumb and wiped them away.

"The thought of hurting you, or anyone else, it makes my heart tear into a million pieces."

I cried harder at his words. He was crying as well and I hated it.

"But I keep hurting you." I whisper and wipe away the tears.

"I don't care about that." He says, regaining some of the boldness he rarely lacks.

"But I do. Every part of me wants to let go of everything and forget about it, but I can't. And every time I'm around you, I end up hurting you. Whether it's by my words or breaking up with you, I always find a way to harm you. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to hurt you because you have done everything to prevent me from getting hurt." I took a deep breath and stared straight into his puffy green eyes.

"That's what love is." He says, looking back at me. "Love is just suffering to make the people around you happy because they make you happy. Nothing they do will ever be terrible enough for you to just leave them because they never left you. Even when you were suffering in the worst way possible."