NEON

79. Still

Kaplan.

His eyes landed on me when I walked towards him. "I appreciate this but, I can't accept it." I put the envelope on the table and slid it back towards him.

"Why not? You really deserve it. You had a perfect 6.0 GPA this year, Yale, Stanford, all of the doors are opened-"

"I mean I can't in a way where accepting this would be wrong and selfish and though I come off that way to everyone I know, you and your wife and most importantly, your daughter," I look at Macy who has been avoiding eye contact with me all night, "it's not right of me and I won't keep it just so it could sit somewhere in a box."

They just looked at me. Mr. Stinson was proud but I knew Mrs. Stinson was slightly disappointed I didn't take the scholarship money.

"I'm really glad Macy pulled my hair that day." I say to see if she would look up at me.

Maybe you could see the sincerity in my eyes and the curiosity. Maybe I could find the reason we are no longer friends. Maybe you could see how distraught I am about this even though I am distracted with other activities.

Maybe you are too? I wouldn't know though. I really am angry with you but I have missed you so much that my anger dissolves and I try to find the smallest reasons to speak to you but there is no point because why would you pick up the phone just to know that I still have your blue tutu that you left over here when you were seven. Even though you already know it's here because of the several other times I have told you.

Does it matter that you have a pair of my sandals that I can't fit into still at your house? Do I need them? No. But would I make up a reason to need them. Of course. Just so I could hear your stupid voice to know that I haven't lost you completely. You turd.

But did she look up?

No.

(A/N I played an acoustic version of a song by He Is We I think it is called All About Us, I think. I mislabeled it in my library >.> but any acoustic slow song. Even Taylor swift would work -.- but I'd start playing it now for the effect ;3)

I smile at her parents and say my goodbye, turning around to walk away. I walk back to my dad and he asks me to dance. I smile and nod.

"Do you feel better?" He asks swaying around with his hand on my upper back.

"If I'm being honest," I sway with him with my hand on his shoulder. "Not really."

"Why not? You fixed things with Booker, the thing with the Stinsons, this rehearsal dance thing is beyond beautiful, the wedding is gonna be," he just sighs, and his eyes fill with tears, "You know I've almost forgotten what her voice sounds like." He says trying to smile like Cyrus did before she blew out a tear bomb when I picked her up from school the last time before . .

"Who's voice? Cyrus'? I have her on video? I can just-" I reached for my phone but dad stopped me with a sad chuckle.

"No." He put my phone in his jacket pocket. "Moms voice. But then I come home and you're playing those videos and it all just comes back to me and-" he stops.

I chew on my lip.

"She called me dad." I announce and look up at him.

"I know. I told her that she needed to call you since shes communicated with everyone else." He shook his head.

"I almost thought she'd forgotten about me." I smile sadly and shrug. "Booker told me that the letter she wrote to Cyrus made her feel bad." I chew on my lip again.

"I don't even think she wrote it if I'm being honest." We both chuckle them the air gets thick.

"Do you think she meant it, when she said nothing else was more important than us and it was just-" I stop and swallow the tears, "she just couldn't handle the stress?" I continue chewing on my lip so I don't cry. There is enough crying here and there will be enough crying tomorrow to last a lifetime.

"I don't know." He shrugs. "I don't think I want to know either. Do you?" He spins me and then I was cradled back into his chest.

"I think either way the answer is gonna hurt." I lay my head against his chest, knowing he was real and he was here. "We are still okay." I whisper and we continue swaying.