Your Secrets Safe With Me (Brallon)

Butterflies

Pete and Patrick stayed with me the next day. Patrick made sure both Pete and I kept our minds off of Brendon and that we ate and slept. It was difficult for me not to wallow in my sadness and guilt and let the voices in my head eat away at my brain. Luckily, I knew Hannah was there with Brendon and that he was getting taken care of properly.

Hannah had texted me a few times to update me on how Brendon was doing, but they were always vague and didn't paint the whole picture. The only thing that I knew for sure was that he was alive, and that would have to be enough to keep me sane until I was able to see him again. That was when Hannah walked in the door, scaring me half to death. Why was she here and not at the hospital? Who was taking care of Brendon? Did he die, and that's why she came home?

"Hey DalPal, the hospital sent me home to get some sleep, Dr. Jamieson is taking care of Brendon." Relief flooded over me as my sister haphazardly dropped her purse by the door and rubbed her eyes.

I was glad that a doctor I knew and was comfortable with was taking care of my boyfriend, but I still had so many questions burning in my mind. It took all the restraint I had not to blurt them all out and overwhelm the exhausted girl in front of me. I needed to know what Brendon was doing, how he was doing, what he was thinking, and how he was feeling, but I couldn't, and I didn't want to text Brendon to ask because I didn't want to seem clingy.

Hannah mumbled something to herself before she trudged up the stairs to her room. Pete was taking a shower and had been for the last hour. It worried me a little that he might be doing something to hurt himself, but as long as Patrick wasn't concerned, I tried not to be either. Pete wasn't like me; he didn't feel the need to break open the skin on his arms when he was feeling just a little upset. He wasn't messed up like I was.

Patrick sat down next to me without saying a word. He understood my need for silence occasionally, but I preferred to sit in silence with Brendon. When we shared silence, it wasn't awkward. It wasn't like we were silent because we didn't have anything to say; we were silent because there was nothing that needed to be said. Brendon could tell how I was feeling just by looking at me, and vice versa.

Patrick had been trying so hard to keep me occupied, but it wasn't working. The only thing that would make me feel okay was for Brendon to be okay. He deserved the world, not what was happening to him. I don't know who messed up in the blueprints for Brendon's life, but they messed up big time. His soul was so gentle and kind; he doesn't deserve what life gave him.

"Hannah called last night while you were asleep," Patrick said, trying to offer me what little support he could, "Brendon was awake and okay, just a little scared."

I didn't respond to my friend. It made me angry to think that he didn't wake me up to talk to my boyfriend when he knew how much it hurt me to believe that he was sitting in a hospital scared to death, and I wasn't there to protect him.

"I asked Hannah and if I should wake you up, but she said to let you sleep. She sounded a little tired and overwhelmed, and I think Brendon was a little stressed too." Patrick recapped the phone conversation for me.

Even if I could force my tongue to shape the syllables, no words could summarize the thoughts that raced through my head. So, once again, I allowed silence to fill the air like carbon monoxide gas. Creeping up - almost unnoticed - until it strangles you without warning. Patrick was noticeably uncomfortable. I, however, welcomed the hand around my throat that squeezed around my throat. I wanted everything to end.

"Dallon, do you wanna watch Doctor Who?" Patrick asked, obviously realizing that I was diving down the pit into self-hatred.

I just shook my head, not having the will to make my mouth form words. All I wanted to do was sit here and be depressed. Sometimes that's all you can do, and when you wake up the next morning, you hope it has passed, but if it hasn't, you have to push through anyway. I just needed today to be depressed, tomorrow I might have the energy to fight it, but not today.