Good at Games, Bad at Love (18+)

Chapter 17 - Dealing with

I convince myself that this is the best decision for both of us, at least for Peter. It hurts to see how upset he was when he left, and it hurts that I'm hurting him. Later on, he'll thank me. The more we got involved in this, the worse it would be in the end.

Now I just pray I'm not pregnant. How could we be so irresponsible?! He probably assumed I'm on the pill. Oh well, it's probably nothing.

I need to focus on what I'm gonna say to Diogo once he gets here. I need him to understand that even though I care for him, or cared for him until a few months back, things didn't go well and I don't want to be with him anymore. But he's got to believe me, because he's probably gonna think I'm bullshitting him again. I don't know how I can make him see that this time it's for good.

After a few hours, Diogo arrives and I still don't know how to explain how I feel. We sit on the couch and I try to put on a serious and calm look on my face, to see if he takes me seriously.

"I want to end whatever we have, and this time, for good. Truth is that ever since I've been here I haven't even thought of you and I've been with two guys. I came here to start over, and I don't even know if I want to come back to Portugal once I graduate." 

 When I say it out loud, I realize I've been feeling this for a while, but I've never really given it much thought. I don't want to go back to Portugal. I liked this new start in the Netherlands, it made me feel alive and gave me hope that I can be someone new and be happy. So, I want to start over as many times as I need to in order to be the best version of myself.

"You were wrong, I was wrong. We both know this. And you should know we'll end up together. We always do. And you know how much I gave up on my life to be with you. What's all that talk about wanting to stay in Netherlands?"

"I didn't ask you to give up on anything for me. In fact, you know I didn't want you to give up on anything for me. Our relationship's always been lies and misunderstandings. We couldn't hurt each other anymore and that's why I wanted to step away. I'm not saying I'm staying in Netherlands, I might even go to another country. I've always wanted to live in Scotland, which is where my dad was raised. It's a thought. Despite everything, I respect you and respect what we had. But I don't want to be in relationship with you, and I hope you understand this and go back to Portugal and move on and be happy," I say. 

His concerned, dark brown eyes are making me feel bad. He holds my hand and starts begging. Although I feel like taking my hand away immediately, I don't.

"Kelly, I'm sorry. I know that I am the most guilty over the things that didn't go well, but these past few months without you, I realized I love you and want you in my life. It took me a while, but I figured it out. You know I don't care that you've been with other guys. It's not the first time this has happened to us. The important thing is that we stay together. I'm asking you for one more chance. We'll be together and everything will be okay."

I take a deep breath and look to the side. He doesn't understand, I think I have to be tougher.

"But I don't love you, Diogo. I cared about you a lot, I'm not going to lie. You'll always be special to me. But I don't love you and that's why we can't be together." He's sad over what I said and looks quietly to the side, assimilating the words I've just spoken. I know it's hard for him, but it's the truth.

"I'm not accepting this." He stands and lets go of my hand. "This time I'm not backing down. I'm staying here. I have a week's vacation and I'm staying. I'm fighting for you. If by the end of this week I'm sure you don't love me, I'll go back to Portugal and never bother you again."

"Diogo... please." I'm trying to stay calm and quiet on the couch.

"You've played many games before, Kelly. How do I know you're serious this time and it's not just one of your own little ways of sabotaging your own life?" He's right. He can't know.