Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 15: Maximum lash.

  It's over. It's fucking over. The plan that I had risked myself for is over. I risked my heart and I feel even more shattered than I was. Okay, maybe not as dramatic, but I'm definitely more emotional. I now have more memories to compare. More things to haunt me. Why did I listen to Pete? Now all I have is a clean house and new wardrobe, along with my new haircut that I honestly don't really like.

    I have been emotional drained for the past two days. I know I have to go back and get my stuff, that's going to be today because I don't want him to throw it out-- or even go through it considering I have my lyric book there. Shit.

      I groan and throw my blankets off me, getting out of my bed bundle and getting on some clothes. Fuck me. I put on a blue sweater, black jeans, and grey converse. I don't bother with my hair, just letting it swoop and fall to the sides of my face.

      I get my keys angrily and leave to the car, starting it up and driving down to his apartment.

     After a good twenty minutes of contemplating whether to go in other not, I get out of my car and into the building, going up the elevator that sends shivers. The elevator door opens and I take a huge breath, walking down to his apartment. I stand in front of it now. Should I be doing this now?

     I look inside the peep hole to see if I would be interrupting anything. I see Ryan on the couch, sleeping and Dan is no where in sight. I could just walk in and grab my shit and run? I'll do that.

     I open the door that is surprisingly unlocked and sneak inside, keeping the door open. I go over to my bags and see if everything is in place. Where the hell is my lyric book and journal? I heard a shift from the couch and froze in my spot.

    I quickly sling the backpack over my shoulder and begin to head out. Fuck it.

"Stay." I hear an awake voice from behind me. I turn around and still see a lump under the blankets. My mouth opens a little.

  "It's Brendon." I said. I knew if he knew it was me, he wouldn't want anything to do with it. I see a rustle in the sheets, him sitting up fully.

  "I know." He simply says and scoots so there is a space next to him. I bite my lips and slowly put my bag down near the door. He eyes me and I can't help but blush a little, it's like a creepy stare that I can't describe.

   We sit in silence, me staring at my hands. I don't know what to say. Well he kind of spoke for me. "I read your lyric book." He said. My mouth dropped and I turned to him, shooting an angry look.

   "What the fuck!?" I shout. "That wasn't your business!" I point a finger at him. "I know about your letters!" I blurt and it just kind of shoots out of my mouth as a come back. Like that's totally going to make things better. He then turns fully to me with the same look I have.

"What the fuck?!" He yells, just like I did. "That's my business!" He shouts and I give him a knowing look. "It's not the same Brendon! You looked through my fucking room! I only opened your book!" He rants. He has a point but I won't let him know that, especially after going through my lyric book.

    "Lyrics are private! You know these things! I just happened to stumble across the box!" I fight back with venom, getting closer and grit my teeth.

     "Why? Looking through my room for things to jack off to?!" He yells and that shot me through the heart. That was uncalled for. I get closer to him on the couch, on my knees.

   "That was fucking rude! I just was curious, okay! And the lyrics are a whole other story because those things actually were supposed to be secret." I shout and get closer, him leaning back.

   "So were the letters! You just had to open every single one huh?!" He shouts and I cringe a little.

   "I only read two letters for your information! I didn't read the whole fucking box cause I have more respect than reading the whole thing!" I shout and get so close that he falls back on the tilted pillow, me hovering over his face with a scornful look.

   "If you read the ones I'm thinking about then you had no damn right to read it." He said in a lower voice, lips pursed and his eye brows furrowed. "I actually really enjoyed your lyrics." He tells me through gritted teeth.

     I was about to say something but when I moved my hand it brushed over Ryan's on the way to a pillow. I stare down at Ryan, my anger escaped a little.

    I lean over to Ryan, my eyes on his parted lips. I was so close to his lips now, inches apart as I looked into his honey eyes.

   "Brendon." Ryan warned, not even moving. I moved closer, my hand resting beside his head to hold me up. "Brendon-- I-- Dan." He managed and that's when reality hit me. I pulled away and looked at him angrily, my hands in fists.

     "I'm sorry everything is my fault." I say quietly with venom, a tear rolling down my cheek. I shake my head and get off the couch, grabbing my backpack and leave out the open door. I'm sorry for everything Ryan. It's my fault that you left.

     I went to the elevator and went down in tears. This is all too familiar, this happens every goddamn time. I get down and don't even bother going to my car. I make my way to a bar that I saw on my way to this stupid apartment.

   It doesn't look that welcoming, but it'll do. I need alcohol. I go inside and it's empty as hell, like a ghost town or-- ghost bar. There was only a bartender that looked kind of scary. He was thick and buff with tattoos all over him. I gulped and decided to sit at a booth after ordering a straight vodka.

    I sat down and rested my tired head on the table, which smelled like vomit. I banged my head against it a couple times, this is so stupid. I'm in love with a man with a boyfriend. The bartender comes with my drink, setting it down beside my throbbing head. He gives me sympathetic look and speaks in a low, husky voice. "Alright buddy, how about a whole round of drinks for free?" I nod and sip my drink, the burning going down my throat. I sighed and rested my head again, bringing my arms to wrap around my head. I'm pathetic.

      A couple minutes later he came with a whole tray of drinks. "Enjoy." He smirks and leaves. I begin to drink each one, not stopping for a moment. These don't taste normal, or it's just the sadness on my tongue. I drink quicker, hoping to get it off but it comes back stronger and it tastes worse.

    I gag and I run to the bathroom with dizzy vision. I crash into a stall and throw up in there, my entire body shaking. Does alcohol do this? My head hurts as I stumble out the door, taking my shit and leaving, using the wall for support. Maybe I should-- fuck. A big pain shot through me and I feel tipsy, light on my feet.

     I walk down the street, eventually stopping to catch my breath on the wall. I feel like I'm dying.

   "Brendon?! Brendon!" I hear a familiar voice but I can't pinpoint it considering my head is wrapped in sounds. I feel a hand on my arm and I turn around with a pale look. It's the devil. "I was looking for you everywhere and-- were you drinking at the bar on the corner and drank the free alcohol?" Ryan asked, concerned. Wait he cares? I giggle and fall against his arms, nodding. "Dumb ass, come on." He said and put an arm around my waist, I think he was pulling me into a building.

"I don't like this building." I whine against his shoulder, my hands shaking. My mind coming out of my mouth, thanks.

     We entered a house later and I think it was Ryan's apartment. I close my eyes and fall limp into the couch, tired all of a sudden. Ryan sat on the floor right to the couch, feeling my head.

   "Why don't you love me?" I mumble lazily, looking over at him and my eyes fall shut. My hangover is going to suck.