Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 23: And You, You Can't Live Like This.

It's hard, it really is. It's hard to listen to Ryan talk about love when it's not about me. It's hard to hear that he isn't sure if he wants to marry a man he just met a couple months ago. It's hurts knowing that I wasn't qualified enough, even after all that time of fights, love, making up, hushed nights, learning everything about each other, sneaking out of the bus to make out somewhere, giggles on the couches as we make fun of the movies I watch, everything.

"...and he just pulls that ring out of no where when I'm still in the process of trying to make things work with him." Ryan rants and waves his hand in the air as he talks, like when he's preaching or ranting about something. I remember.

We were still laying on my bed, my arm around him as he's curled into my side ranting about how he doesn't know and how much he likes Dan but he doesn't want to move fast. I just sit there, blankly listening as I stare at the ceiling.

"Are you even listening?" He asks me and turns his head to look at my face. My heart picks up a little and I look down at the man who might get married.

"Yeah, just processing what your saying. That's all." I hum, shrugging and look at the ceiling, feeling my eyes get glossy once I start thinking again.

Ryan frowns at me and sighs. "Then what should I do?" He asks softly, shifting on the bed a little to turn his attention to me. I feel like the spotlight was on me now, he's the light shining on my sad self. I feel like he knows everything just by looking into my eyes, it's not fair. He's so closed up that I can barely tell his emotions by his facial expressions.

I swallow down the lump in my throat and look up at the boring, white ceiling that I've looked at for countless nights. "I think you should do what makes you happy-- like do what you want or your heart wants or whatever." I mumble the last part and let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding.

I turned my head to Ryan and he was giving me a look. "Really? After my big rant of not knowing what I want-- your going to tell me to do what I want." He says nonchantly and raises a brow.

I let out a frustrated sigh and rub my eyes. "Yes I am okay? Because I don't know what else to say to my ex boyfriend that is getting married to man that's not me!" I exclaim and sit up, feeling that built up rage burst. "I don't know what you want me to say because you know I want you to say no." I say in an angry tone and groan, putting my hand to my face.

"I want you to say I shouldn't get married to him." He says softly and I freeze, looking up from my hands and then glancing at him. I am so confused, Ryan is so confusing, fuck. He's giving me all these mixed signals, unless they're all in my head.

"W-why?" I accidentally stutter and mess with my long hands. I notice him gulping and looking down at his hands in thought I'm guessing. He looks up at me and shrugs.

"I just-- don't think I'm ready." He says more like a question than a statement which brings me to more confusion. He is really starting to give more headaches than heartaches.

I nod at him and look at his eyes that don't tell any more stories because either I already know all them or he's shut me out.

"So you don't want me to get married?" He asks out of no where and I hesitantly nod, being honest. I mean come on, I know it's selfish of me to say but I am being honest and it's not like he ever takes my advice anyway. "I just don't know because I like him a lot but I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life..with him." He said, close to a whisper but I could still hear.

"Do you love him?" my voice cracks on love when I didn't mean too. Fuck. He looks at me for a second before nodding slowly. I sniff and look away from his long stare. "Okay." I finally result to saying because I can't scream at him like I want to.

I just want to shout at him that he's stupid and he might mess up his life if he gets married to guy he just met, a guy that's not me. Fuck.

"Where is he now?" I ask Ryan since Dan is probably freaking out about what big of a mistake he made.

Ryan shrugs and looks up at me, getting closer. "I think he's waiting at home, thinking." He says softly and lifts my chin so I look into his eyes full of honey and sparkles that you can only see if your close to him. Physically and mentally.

"I might want to marry him." Ryan whispers and my heart breaks, it flying out of my soul. I think my heart left me, that's how lonely I am. My lips quiver and I nod, shakily messing with my hands.

"O-okay." I choke and stand up off the bed so that I was away from this man that keeps breaking my heart. My lips tremble and the first tear falls the thought of him walking down the aisle to meet Dan at the end, not me. I give Ryan one last look before leaving the room, going down the hall.

Next thing I knew I was pushed against the wall, Ryan's arms blocking any exits. "Where are you going?" He asks softly but his eyes changed to something I haven't seen in awhile, concern.

I look up into his eyes and shrug. He's always been taller than me but I think I grew a bit more, but right now I feel so small and helpless. I wipe a tear quick before speaking. "I just needed to be alone I guess." I whisper to myself.

He gives me a sad look and puts his hand on my hip which makes me tense, my heart pounding against my thin chest.

"I just-- I--." He doesn't finish his sentence and presses his lips to mine inside. I fell limp against the wall and froze. Holy shit. I am so confused but holy shit, I can't say no. I'm so pathetic.

I kiss back lightly and he squeezes my hip, bringing me closer like a ragdoll. "Wh--what are you doing?" I breathe against his lips and he pulls away little, looking into my eyes. He looks confused but at the same time he seems tense.

"I don't..know. I just needed to do that. I'm sorry." He whispers, clearly feeling pressured by something that I wish I knew. I would listen to him for hours if that meant figuring him out, all of him.

"I don't understand.." I whisper and he looks into my eyes, pulling me close to him again and hugging me tight. I stroke his back hesitantly as he holds he back of my head to his chest.

"Just, I don't know if I can live like this." He whispers into my hair and I close my eyes into the embrace. He's as warm as I remember.

"Like what?" I question gently. He holds me tighter and shakes his head.

"Living a lie."