Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 26: Wrap Me Up

((I rewrote some of the chapter, including the ending since I didn't like how it was at first ))

I don't know what he meant by those words, those last words he told me before he hung up the phone. Why isn't it easy for him, it's not easy for me either but him being friends with me should be just fine. I don't get why he needs to hide when I'm giving myself to him.

I beat myself up over it, that's what I do. I'm good at it, trust me. He's been on my mind all week, like a song stuck in my head. That melody just reminding me over and over again of those meaningful lyrics I can't figure it out.

I've been working on a lot of music this past lonely week, I got lyrics and the piano down for a couple. We still need a guitarist and a bassist in the band, I haven't even started looking.

Spencer has looked, plenty of times. I meet the guy, ask him a couple questions then disapprove. Spencer has to tell me every time that no one else will be Ryan or Jon.

I know, god I know. This is why it's so hard.

But I was destined to find some people, I need to tour, be on the road to drown away from the surface of pain.

Of course it will be painful touring without Ryan, fuck, there's no escape is there? Maybe if I lock myself up in a cabin in the mountains-- God dammit.

Anyways, Spencer is over at the moment. I wanted to show him the new song I wrote, it's only guitar right now but I really like it.

"Alright, blow me away." Spencer hums, grinning as he sets himself on the white couch beneath him. I take a little shallow breath, starting the guitar picking and strumming to the melody in my head.

"When the world gets too heavy....." I sang. It was called always, it's my song to Ryan. It's about our past love and how I'll never stop loving him, no matter what.

When the meaningful song ends, Spencer looks at me sadly, his large hands running through his thick, brown hair. "Well I really like it, um but I don't think it'll work. It's too obvious, I mean the fangirls will catch on too quick. It's too big of a risk." He warns throughly and makes hand motions as he explains.

I look up from my finger on the G string, staring at the hazel wall behind Spencer's form. "I know, I know." I shake my head and grumble. I really want this song public. "I'll lie. I-I'll say it was about some girl." I babble and beam, standing up and looking at him pleadingly.

He stares at me intently, incessantly tapping his fingers across his drumstick in his left hand. "Fine. But this is big risk B. You can always change your mind." He explains and pats my back before going to his 8 piece drum set. "Oh, so how's Ryan going? The plan?" He asks absently.

My mouth opens and closes, silent ghosts of words coming out but nothing was heard. It's hard to explain. He sees the vexation in my eyes and decides to leave me alone about it.

We don't speak about Ryan anymore that night.

------------------------------

Spencer stayed the night, he slept on the couch and then the next day we spent playing and writing. It was so different now, just two opinions on things. I don't like it honestly. I miss Ryan's input sometimes, I used to think it was annoying but I'm realizing how much he was always right. Or I miss how Jon would be the fun guy that kept us from getting too stressed. Just two plain people now.

We are good musicians sure, but we need more. More ideas and more creativity.

Spencer and I are out tonight, we're at a bar with live music. It's more wrapped around music than drinks so maybe we'll find some real talent.