Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 25: Can't Let You Go

I can tell you one thing for sure, he came back the next night.

There wasn't any explaining to why he came back after he specifically told me he wasn't. He came in through my window in the middle of the night during my sob-fest, he didn't say a word. He just crawled into my bed and laid there until the next morning. I don't know why, I didn't ask. I was too busy being broken.

I acknowledged him sure, but I wasn't looking for conversation.

It happened again tonight, it was earlier than the night before. He knocked and I answered, him walking in without my permission. I wan't going to say anything of course, I was too broken still.

So he just stayed on my couch, reading a book and looking around. He acted as if he lived here or nothing happened. Everything fucking happened.

I sat on the other side of the couch, staring at my hands. I'm not fucking apologizing for something I didn't do, what did I do? Right, I messed up his life. No, he messed up mine.

"When did you get this?" He finally spoke, but it was about the fucking book. I look up from my pale hands and up at his staring self, awaiting an answer.

I don't answer.

"I'm talking to you." He says and I shrug, looking out the dark window. He came into my house uninvited, I don't have to answer him. He's not a guest, he's a creature invading my property. He isn't welcome here, he said himself. Yet, I'm letting him in.

"Jesus fucking christ Brendon, stop playing games with me." He grits and puts down the book. I'm playing games? "I'm just trying to hang out with you, okay? You always have to make it such a big deal." He huffs and throws up his hands.

I look up at that and glare at him, unbelievable. "I'm making it a big deal? Says the guy that invades my house after he says he's never coming back." I shoot back and stand up quickly. "Just go." I shake my head and go to the kitchen, taking out a cigarette.

He quickly follows, almost too quickly. "Just let me stay. I'm trying to be friends here. Let's just laugh like we used to, smile and shrug everything off." He tells me and holds onto my shoulders.

I take a drag and look up at him. "You mean did what we used to do when we were high, when you were high." I shake my head. Another fight we used to have, he was high all the fucking time.

He sighs. "I'm not baked this time, just please." He actually pleads. Well it certainly seems like he is, or he's on some drug because he's here, not with Dan.

I look at him and move away, going upstairs and he follows. I rest against the balcony wall and smoke. He stands next to me and looks out the distance, his hand brushing mine. I look down and see his finger moving around my knuckles.

He came back every night for the next week.

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It's been a week since he came back again. I was kinda getting worried, I mean he came back every night, just sitting next to me and us talking about everything and nothing.

I mean, I was kind of awkward considering I'm in love with him. The man that's getting married. Jesus, I'm a mess.

He didn't come back tonight, I literally sat on the couch, watching the door every couple minutes and hoping he would just walk in and not say anything to me.

There are times where I get so desperate for things, things I thought didn't I want. What I thought I didn't need. But it becomes not enough because things will never change, so I have to stay with the bad in order to get some good.

Those 2 second conversations a day seem to keep me sane. Or that glance he gives me when he walks in, keeps me breathing for awhile so I don't attack. It's the small things that seem to mean so much to me now, it's all narrowed down to my desperation for him.

That day turned into 5, I was lost.

I wasn't sure what to do. Did he finally leave? Did he finally live up to what he said two weeks ago? I don't want that to be true, he needs to come back to me to keep me sane.

I contemplate calling him, the cracked phone in my hands. I bit my lip and looked up at Patrick who was keeping me company so I don't completely go insane.

"Should I do it?" I ask Patrick softly, my leg bouncing up and down. I look at my clean house, letting out a shaky breath. I don't know if he's ever coming back so I keep it clean just in case of that possible situation.

Patrick looks at me and rubs my shoulder. "Come on B, you've been sitting there for 15 minutes asking me every 3 minutes if you should. For the 5th time, yes, you should. You need an explanation on why he left." He tells me nicely and I smile a little. Patrick always has nice advice and he's nice to be around.

I nod and sigh, dialing the number. "Shit." I curse and hang up. God--I'm such a mess. Patrick gives me a small smile.

"It's okay, just try again and don't back out." He tells me and presses the dial button. I let out a small noise and fidget, getting worried by the second. Shit, fuck, crap, only curse words flowing through my mind. Why did I want to call him again?

After 5 rings, a crinkling noise appears and so does a voice. "Hello?" The voice of the man I'm in love with echoes. I bit my lip and look at Patrick, throwing my hands around. This was a bad idea.

I clear my throat. "Yeah, hi, um it's Brendon." I cough and look at my lap, endless doubts running through my negative mind.

The line was silent for a second but it felt like an hour. "Oh, um hi. I'm kinda busy--so what's up?" He asks and my heart breaks when I hear the background. "Ryan, who's that? Come back to bed." I heard a voice whine.

My eyes water and I shake my head to myself. Unbelievable. "I was just wondering why you haven't been back." I say softly, barely audible.

I heard a long sigh and a tapping. "I already told you. I just--I need to be with Dan okay?" He says and I choke on a cry at the words, anger filling me. He always manages to piss me off but it's okay, I feed off it. It's all I'm getting of him right now. I want all of him, even if there's anger. It's normal. We're real. Not him and Dan.

"Why do you need to be with Dan, huh? If you want to be with him so bad then why did you come to my house in the middle of the night?" I shoot back and cry, Patrick trying to soothe me.

Ryan sighs and I kinda want to punch him through the phone. I hate that sigh he does, that sigh that means he's getting mad and is disappointed. "Brendon, not now. Goodbye." He says but he doesn't hang up. I wait and wait but he doesn't.

"I thought we could be friends." I whisper through the phone.

He replies with this then quickly hangs up.
"Me too, but it's not easy for me either."