Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 24: Much More Difficult For Me.

  I don't know what he meant by that. Fuck, he didn't even explain himself before he told me he had to go home back to Dan. I almost wanted to tell him that home was with me, not Dan in a apartment in the city. We could be playing house instead. I would make all the dinners, breakfasts and he would clean. I would continue my music career and maybe he would join the band again. That would be great because I still haven't found a guitarist...or bassist.
  
   I think he might marry Dan because that's what he last told me, I just--fuck. I can't stop crying. It's 6 a.m and I woke up in tears, scared of what the day might bring. Who knows what Ryan might say, maybe he decided to be a slut and say yes. Okay, that was rude. I mean whore, back stabber, and heart taker.

I texted to Pete and he said he couldn't come over, Spencer was busy with Linda, and Patrick was with Pete. I'm all alone. Of course, of fucking course. I sat on my bed, staring off into the distance and thought of a life with Ryan as always. I wish those those thoughts would come true, but that only happens in the books.

  I heard my phone go off and I slowly reached for it, seeing a bright text from Pete. I squint my eyes from the light adjustment 

  "I looked at Dan's twitter and I think Ryan said yes." Pete sent me the message and my entire being drops. Holy shit, fuck. I drop my phone and I stare at the wall for whoever knows how long, all I know is that it seemed like everything I worked for just slipped away.

  I slipped to the floor and wrapped my frail arms around my wobbly legs, shaking and letting tears slip. I didn't have any sobs in me yet, no screams or destruction. I'm full of shock and I don't think I'm physically or mentally available at the moment.

  I heard another message go off and the little screen shows the text. I peek over and see an unfamiliar number.

"Are you busy?" The message said and I gulp. Is that who I think my broken heart thinks it is. I choke on a sob and grab my phone, throwing it at the wall. "FUCK YOU!" I scream at it and hit the floor, pain rushing to my fist. Fuck, I'm just full of bad ideas, aren't I?

  I growl and get up shakily, going to my bedroom upstairs and going to the balcony that shows me the front yard, standing there with my hands on the rail because I can't keep all the broken pieces upright. I choke on a sob and hit the rail, running my hands though my hair a bunch of times. Fuck fuck fuck!

  I heard a car roar and stop, the engine fading away slowly. I open my crusty eyes and see that familiar black car that I've only dreamed of it being in front of my house again. Even after the Pretty Odd era he still kept that same car that we have done many things in.

  My breath hitches and I grip the rail, my fists clenching. What the fuck does he think he's doing here. I swear to god I'm going to start going crazy with all this confusion and headaches.

  Ryan walks out in a very fashionable outfit as always, sunglasses perched on his head. I gulp and look at him from the balcony, not saying anything. Maybe he won't notice me.

  I stay on the balcony and watch his slim self knock at the door. After a minute he makes a frustrated noise and knocks again. I gulp and keep my grip on the bars, making sure my tears weren't obvious.

  He knocks 3 more times and I clear my throat, making him jump from the ground. "I'm right here." I say and he looks up at me, putting his sunglasses on.

"Hey." He grins and I want to throw my slipper at him.

"Hi, what do you want?" I mumble loud enough for him to hear. He scoffs and shrugs.

"Just let me in, let's just hang out as friends." He hums and I shake my head. I'm not letting that married man into my house again, fuck no. He can't see my barricade of tears, the crushed phone in the corner, the bottle collection, the dirty sheets. No.

"No thanks, I'm not really feeling good." I say and he sighs, obviously getting pissed. I wonder if Dan knows when Ryan's mood changes like I do. I wouldn't be surprised if Dan did know, Ryan's a moody person and I'm the only one that can manage and deal with it. Spencer gives up after five minutes.

((FlashBack))

   "No! Fuck you, leave me alone!" Ryan shouts at me, his eyes red but he wasn't crying. His hands were shaky and he was trembling like a scared child. He seemed vulnerable but everyone knew there was anger in his eyes.

  "Don't attack Brendon on this, it's not his fault!" Spencer shouts, trying to calm down the broken boy down. Spencer's trying to comfort Ryan for 5 minutes, I've been here for 40 minutes. Ryan's Dad died, he finally drank himself to death. "You know what? Just try to calm yourself down." Spencer gives up and throws his hands in the air, quickly walking out.

  Ryan and I watch him go, then I look over at a hurt Ryan. "I'm so sorry Ryan." I whisper and walk over hesitantly. Never be around Ryan when he's angry, but I break that rule. Ryan glances at me and a tear slips, something you don't see very often anymore. Ever since the departure of his Dad going to the hospital and him leaving to join the band, he doesn't really cry.  

  I rush over and pull him into my arms, hugging him tight. "It's going to be okay." I whisper and stroke the back of his head. He doesn't hug back for another ten minutes, I felt his arms wrap around me and tighten.

"Thank you." His voice is more relaxed.

((End Of Flashback))

  I shake my head to come back into reality, looking at him 5 years down the line. He seems fine, doesn't need me anymore. I was just a foot step to his happiness. I was his mistake.

"Then come down here." He states from the ground, my anger boiling.

"Just go to your fiance." I choke out and leave the balcony, seeing his expression soften before I left. I can't believe he has the balls to do this, just show up at my house with a fiance.

  I heard a knock at the balcony and I look away from the mirror, wiping my hot tears. I see Ryan on the balcony, his glasses on his head again. My heart drops and I glare, running my hand through my hair. It's been growing.

"Let me in." I heard his voice from the other side of the glass and I walk over, getting close so it was just the glass pane dividing us.

"Why should I? Wanna fuck up my house next?" I hum and ask, tilting my head. I wonder what it feels like to him, he's on the other side wanting to get in. I wait until Ryan loves me, wanting to be in his life again. But neither is going to happen.

He scoffs and shakes his head, "No, I just want to talk to you." He says, gritting a little bit. I'm pissing him off, serves him right. He pisses me off all the time.

"Then talk to me right here." I say back and raise a brow, trying to hide my glossy eyes. He sighs and rubs his eyes. "Shouldn't you be celebrating with your new husband?" I press on.

  "Fiance!" He blurts. "Your'e jealous aren't you?" He laughs and glares at me, smirking. "You want me all to yourself right?" There are times where Ryan looses it, this is that time. "All I wanted to do was become friends with you again and you just-- I can't." He babbles and shakes his head, walking away from the glass pane then back. "Just stop this, let me in." He sighs, looking into my eyes.
  I look at him and my breath hitches, making me uneasy. "Fine." I say and unlock the door, letting him in. He glares at me and I gulp. What the fuck does he want? "What's your deal?" I shout at him and throw my hands up in the air, walking closer.

He pushes me back and my eyes widen. "You- your'e my deal!" He shouts and walks towards me. "It's all your fault that you came back into my life! I was just becoming happy again and you just-- just skipped back wrecking everything!" He shouts and pushes me against the wall hard.

"Did you come here to fucking yell at me then?" I choke. "Get out!" I blurt and push him back, but he pins my wrists above my head, glaring into my glossy eyes.

"No, not until you get this through your thick skull. Leave my life, just never come back! Leave me alone." He yells in my face. "Your'e ruining everything." He says softly, but he's still glaring.

"I won't come back." He says before leaving, my body turning cold.