Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 12: Unrealvealed Letters.

That picture kind of pushed me into the plan further, making me want Ryan even more. What if he had that picture out because he still cared for me? Or maybe it was just in the Panic! closet.

I want to become better friends with Ryan, the closer I get to him, the closer I get him to like me. I just need him. I'll do anything it takes. I'm not backing out this time. If he wants me to scream it to the world, I'll do it.

I now burry in his room, just scurrying through boxes. Hoping that there is some sign of him still caring. Nothing, just boxes of knickknacks and clothes that I don't remember being Ryan's.

It's useless, the only thing I found was some keychain he bought when we toured in Canada. Back then, he would collect all these keychains and stick them on the fridge, counting them at the end of the tour.

Still searching his room, making sure everything still looks like it wasn't touched, I find a box under his bed. It was cardboard, small, and was very ripped up. The flaps had wrinkles running over the brown boarding, ripping along the edges.

I pick up the box and carelessly open it, my eyes widening when my eyes land on the dozens of folded pieces of paper, a journal at the bottom.

I carefully put the box down and pick one out, it was a note from 2007.

"Don't forget to meet Brendon at Disneyland at 9:30."

I remember that day. He tended to forgot what time to meet sometimes.

I picked up another one. It was a conversation between me and him when we wouldn't talk to each other, so we passed a note back and forth.

"-Can you just talk to me?

-I'm mad at you.

-Why?

-You know why.

-I'm sorry I took the last poptart.

-It's okay babe (: <3"

I cringe a little at the last part, the way I called him babe. We were so young, we though we had it planned but we never knew how it ended.

I pick up another one. This one is dirty, has smears, has that hand writing I so desperately remember. My heart drops to my stomach.

"July 6th 2010.

Dear Brendon,

I am aware that it's been well over a year now. And you know what.. I'm doing okay. I've gotten out of the phase where I just lie on the floor hoping that you walk through my front door step.

I'm getting there, baby steps.

Now-a-days, you're quite far away with your new life and all.

I wonder if you even remember me sometimes. I wish you'd ...talk to me, give me some vague sign that you do remember. Because you know what? I'm not doing well. Life is actually pretty shit.

And look at me, I've gone this whole page without using the "L" word once so far, but looking at it objectively, realistically, I'd say that I still....love you. And I'm kind of afraid I won't ever really stop... loving.

I hope they're treating you well up there... because I miss you more than ever.

-Love,

Ryan." {Dear,™}

I am in tears, I can't even fucking look. I always knew he was an amazing writer, but this is spirit moving. This was towards me, he wrote this for me. He wrote this 4 months ago according to the date.

I keep staring at those words.

"Realistically, I'd say that I still.. love you. And I'm kind of afraid that I won't ever stop... loving."

God-- those words hit me like bullets. If he says he won't ever stop, then why is he still with Dan? Was he over dramatic with this letter? So many questions that I can't get answered.

I heard the front door of the apartment open and I rush to shovel everything under the bed, taking the letter and one more before leaving the room.

I go into the living room and see Ryan and Dan hanging up their wool coats, I stand there with the two letters in my back pocket.

I notice Dans' not as pissed off as earlier, but he definitely has an attitude going on. Ryan on the other hand is still a emotionless bastard, I hate when he does that face. That face where you can never find out what he feels, just blank.

"Hey." I speak and they look up at me, Dan puts on a small smile and Ryan nods. "How was the ice cream?" I try to make conversation, more aimed towards Ryan but Dan chimes in.

"Great. They had sherbet and we were happy." Dan smiles. Ryan doesn't like sherbet, he likes vanilla ice cream with only 3 gummy bears. He only gets three because he doesn't 'want his vanilla getting attacked by gummy bears'. I would know this.

I nod and turn my hand to my backpack. Maybe Ryan's ice cream choices have changed. What do I know?

"I am going to run a shower, meet you in bed later?" Dan says and skips to the bathroom down the hall. I hear Ryan hums as he reaches into his sidebag.

With Dan gone for the moment, maybe I can actually get some conversation in.

"Here-- I felt bad so like-- yeah." Ryan says as he gives me a cup of ice cream with a lid. It was rocky road.

Back in the day, I called it Rocky Ross because it resembled my favorite ice cream and my favorite person. My opinion hasn't changed. He still remembered and that made my heart turn into a dragon.

"Thanks." I grin and take the lid off. "You still remember.. Rocky Ross-- I mean road." I quickly cover up our old joke. He chuckles and nods with a small smile.

I begin to take small bites, Ryan sits down on the other side of the couch, staring at the blank t.v. I stare at him, unable to stop myself.

"Do you like sherbet?" I blurt and he looks over at me with a disgusted face and shakes his head. I knew it. "Vanilla with three gummy bears, right?" I ask and smirk. He chuckles and nods with a large smile.

"You remember?" He chuckles.

"Of course." I smile at him and warmth goes to my stomach as he returns the genuine smile. "I remember everything Ryan." I confirm.

"I wonder if you even remember me sometimes.....I hope you would give me some vague sign that you do remember." The note read. I remember.

Something lights up in his eyes and he grins into his hands. I could live with staring at your face everyday. I would give up my career to be able to wake up with you. In a heartbeat.

I hear Dan call from the bedroom, for Ryan. He bids me goodnight and leaves me alone.

I let out a breath I was holding and take out the second note I took out.

"September 12th, 2010.

Dear Brendon,

I don't know why I'm writing again, but I just feel like it's the only way I could actually.. talk to you. Things have been doing me well, I think.

I found a guy, it doesn't feel right. Maybe it will over time, but for now I only feel obligated to you. I wish you'd... maybe just remember me or something. If you meant that you loved me... I'd say that you didn't because your not here. I may have pushed you away, and everyday I feel full of regret.

I just write in hope of getting my feelings out. I hope your doing okay, I still..I don't know..love you.

Love,

Ryan."

This was 2 months ago.