Your Hearts A Mess. (Ryden Fanfic)

Chapter 9: Don't Get Burned.

   Now I bet your wondering what happened on that night where Ryan decided it would be a good idea to tag along with me? It was nothing special, well of course it was special to me. We ended up walking in a circle and right back in the apartments.

        When we arrived, Dan was hugging Ryan on how worried he was because he dashed out on Dan without a word. Of course he would be worried, but if I were Dan I would haul my ass up and chase after Ryan. I wouldn't let him slip through my fingers again.

      Maybe Dan should keep better care of my precious before he gets stolen, not that I'm warning him or anything. Ryan could be mine one day, but who knows? Maybe I'm delusional?

       The following day was somewhat different from yesterday. Ryan and Dan stayed home, me awkwardly third wheeling on the couch while we watch some chick flic that Dan probably picked. He should know that Ryan doesn't like these types of movies, he like documentaries and dramas. I would let Ryan choose the movie every day if it were to keep him happy. I can definitely tell He's not enjoying this movie by just the looks of his eyes.

        I glance away from him, but come back when Dan's hand moved across Ryan's stomach lovingly. Yeah, I caught that and I'm going to be sick. I quickly looked away, only letting my pupils look over to where they are cuddled on the couch. This is killing me inside.

       Ryan's sides of his mouth quirk up a little bit and I recognize that look. I would do anything for that look to be towards me.

      Out of nowhere Dan placed his lips on Ryan's and I have had it up to there so I slid off the couch when they don't notice and sit on the floor instead. I don't want to bother them, or even look at them for that matter. I just want to block it all out by watching this movie.

        This movie is so cliche, but so is my love for Ryan. It's so cliche it hurts but I can't help the way I feel. I can't help feeling that I want to rip out Dan's tongue right about now because I'm pretty sure they are making out. I feel so out of place. I shouldn't be here. Ryan had found himself someone to love, someone that isn't ashamed to have him. I was never ashamed. Maybe I should jusy leave, it would be easier on me and him.

       I cringe at the sound of a stifled moan in the back of a throat, it wasn't Ryan. I would know if it was. I've missed his moans, soft skin, the way his mouth opens when I kiss his neck. I would do anything to have that back. Of course I fucked it up, if only he had given me more time.

*Flashback *

        Ryan was pacing around the hotel room, running his hands through his coconut hair. "I don't know what to do Bren because I just want us to be public!" He yells. I cringe.

"Baby- I know I do too but-"

"But what?! You are ashamed of me?" He cut me off with that rough voice.

  "I am just scared okay!" I cry at him. "I am scared of the press, my parents, my Mormon parents! Our fans! Ryan this is a big thing. I would never- ever be ashamed of you." I now cry out. "I would scream on the rooftops on how much I love you." I choke on a sob.

       Ryan stopped at the door and looked at me. "Then do it." He said simply and left me alone in the room.

*End of Flashback*

        I never did it. I was too chicken. I was too scared of my own thoughts that I put myself before the love of my life. Now I regret it more than anything, if I only just climbed on some roof or hill, maybe he would still love me.

     I put myself to my own immolation, I let him slip away when I could have just done something. I let these thoughts go through my head every waking moment. It's all I think about.

       Meeting him in 2004 was the year of my life. The band was the best thing I ever joined because without it- you know why. I did it for the music sure, but I also did it for Ryan. Seeing Ryan smile all the time, seeing him happy made me feel like I won a Grammy award.

        But things change and for the first time it's not okay. I don't like the change of Dan taking my place, or someone taking Ryan's guitar place. The thought makes me want to sob into a million pieces because when I turn to my right and not see Ryan on stage with me, I'll break right there. I need him more that anything.

"Brendon?" I heard Ryan's voice interrupt my brooding thoughts. "Why are you crying?" He asked with a weak voice, probably from making out so hard. I haven't even realized that a tear or two have slipped down my face. I guess it'd easy to tell considering the reflection of the bright t.v.

     "Yeah are you okay bud?" Dan chimed in. I almost roll my eyes. I wipe by cheeks.

    "I'm fine. It's just a sad part." I lie. I finally look up at the t.v and the screen is showing a boy and girl laughing and kissing.

    "How is this sad-" Dan starts but Ryan cuts him off. "Don't. Just don't ask." He says to his boyfriend and I kind of just freeze in shock. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Was he saving me the explanation on why I was 'crying over the boy and girl being happy'?

        "Babe." I almost looked up but caught myself before realizing that he's not talking to me, he's talking to Dan. "I'm tired, so can you go make the bed warm. I'll fetch us some drinks or something."

     I turn around and see Dan peck Ryan on the cheek before leaving into their room. My watery eyes turn back around to the t.v. I'm not sure if I can go with the plan anymore. It hurts too much.

      "Brendon." Ryan says when the silence breaks.

   "Yeah." I say quietly while still looking at the t.v.

    "Are you okay? Because I'll stop the PDA with Dan if your not comfortable and--"

     "Ryan." I cut him off. "It's fine. Why would I be uncomfortable?' I say simply.

     He huffs. "Huh. I guess your totally fine with it then." I heard him press himself off the couch. "I only hope it's true enough." He mutters so quickly before leaving into his bedroom.

       Another tear goes down my face and I sit back on the couch, avoiding that one spot. I reach down to my lyric book once more, like every night and write.

" I can only hope it's true enough

That every little thing I do for love Redeems me from the moments I seem worthy

Of the worst things that I've done

And saves me from myself at times of envy

When I'm missing my only one." -Day 3.