My Real Diary

September 30

(Please vote for this,!)
Today was day 2 after our big fight. Jack is blaming me for all the stress in his life. His grandma is absolutely insufferable. She is every day, but today particularly. The first thing I did when I woke up was make Sunny some baby cereal. As I went to bring it to her in our room, his grandma demanded me to microwave it. I said she likes it cold and she argued with me back and forth. Hello, I'M her mother. I don't need her shitty advice and I know what she likes.
When I went back into the room, Sunny had spilt some milk that Jack left on the floor after I told him to watch her, then he blamed her for being a "bad baby". He cleaned the mess up and I started feeding the baby. Then I went to go get her a bottle of milk.
As soon as she saw me, his grandma said,"Things like this wouldn't happen if you'd just feed her in the living room and let her run around!"
Yeah and I'd do that if you respected me at all and didn't let your crackhead daughter in the house like you're not supposed to anyway.
I fed Sunny a little bit, but she wasn't very hungry, just tired. After a while I gave up and Jack and I went to go pay a fine. A few minutes after we got back "home", Jack left to go get some speakers. His grandma immediately came in our room and asked,"Have you talked to your mom about when she'll be able to take your dog?"
For one, I never said ANYONE was taking my dog. My dog is staying here. Just because you won't let her inside and she's been stuck outside for 3 MONTHS, doesn't mean she's a bad dog when she barks. She said she'll take my dog to the pound if we don't find her a new home, but she won't because if she does we'll tell her landlord she allows crackheads around when he specifically says they can't come around. AND we'll call the cops on Jack's mom for coming around him even though there is a protection order for attempted murder.
Against him.
Yep.
I went and told Jack we need to get the fuck outta here. He's working on building a home for the dog so she won't get taken away by psycho grandma. Then I took Sunny to the library to get away. A while after that, she had an appointment. I wanted Jack to come with us but he claims he's going through withdrawals and can't leave. How can you go through withdrawals if you haven't quit drinking? Just before I mentioned her appointment, he was fine. 20 minutes before time to go, he's having a seizure and saying I better not stress him out or he'll die. When I get back, he's fine.
I don't wanna belittle his suffering, but part of me believes he's making it seem like a bigger deal than it is. Of course I know he's going through stressful situations, but he only thinks of himself. He hasn't started his job yet, so all he's done for the past 3 days is work on his hang out shed, drink, and hang with his friends. He says his friends don't stress him out. He hasn't fed Sunny in about 4 days and hasn't changed her in 3 days. He hasn't held her for more than 30 seconds in as long as I can remember. He's done NOTHING. He can never do anything I ask him to, but is always there when someone else needs him. Today I realized something heartbreaking but true.
He doesn't love me. It's to the point where if he tells me he does, I get annoyed because he's lying to me. Maybe he does, but if he does, he has no regard for me, my feelings, my stress, or anything I'm going through.
I'm close to slitting my throat and calling it a day, but he's outside in his clubhouse, drinking with his friends. Before he went outside, I started crying because I'm so overwhelmed and depressed today. At first he started to try and help but then his friend showed up so he left me alone with a crying baby and tears streaming down my face. If I say anything or ask for help I know for a fact that it's gonna cause a fight because he's "too stressed" and he's gonna end up kicking me out again.
He straight up told me he can live without me and doesn't care if I stay or go. Am I a huge idiot for staying even though I know our relationship is doomed to fail? Maybe. He was so wonderful when we first got together. I had just about given up on a relationship where he came along. He was the sweetest, most attentive, most caring guy I'd EVER met. I thought I was going to be happy forever and marry him. Now 2 years, 1 month, and 23 days later, we're engaged, and we both want out.
It's the most heartbreaking thing ever. I truly love him. It's so sad to see how we turned out. So passionate and pure in the beginning. I didn't have to worry about anything with him around. I didn't have to worry about his loyalty, his love for me, whether or not today was going to be the last day of us. Now it's all I worry about. We're going downhill fast. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to him about couple's therapy, and he supposedly (although I don't know what's true with him anymore) is going to rehab in a few months.
It's not all bad with him. Of course I highlight the bad because that's all I got today, for the most part, but sometimes he's truly wonderful and I feel so secure. But I know we can't go on like this without everything ending in murder. We need to help ourselves. We need to makes change, and that change comes tomorrow.
I'm gonna take Sunny outside to try and spend some time with him. In a couple hours, its her bedtime. After that I just want to get drunk and eat.

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