Not Her

CHAPTER 16

I came to learn that silence is the loudest thing ever. It's basically talking without making a sound, it feels like connecting with only gestures, and movements. 

Silence is what I got for one whole hour in that car, it made it feel like an eternity. Seeing his angry eyes looking straight front, not even glancing at me, I realized that the night could have ended so differently if it wasn’t for my stupid self.

But that was only the beginning.

Getting out of the car felt even more terrible. I turned around to say something, anything. But Jordan shut the door behind me and accelerated away. I stood there like an idiot. I noticed that the lights were still on in the house which was a little weird; normally everybody is in bed by nine.

 I’m sure I left a voice message to Mom telling her I’ll be late. So what’s wrong? I turned from sad to worried in two seconds.

First, look into the living room I found dad and mom sitting next to each other on the sofa. My mother was putting her head between her hands, and dad petting on her back with a very worried expression on his face.

 I thought I’ve told them about ... 

What the hell is that thing doing on the table? No! It cannot be! Is that my …? FUCKING DIARY?

Dad heard my steps, he shook my mother’s shoulder making her raise her eyes towards me. She got up in a very nervous manner and raised her palm ready to slap me but didn't. She took a deep breath and held me tight in her arms. 

I looked at my father still sitting so calmly on the couch observing and analyzing the situation as if we were two of his sick patients. He can read people so good, it intimidates them. Especially me. And damn! he knows it.

My mother let off my hold and looked at my me straight in the eyes? 'What is happening to you?'

'You tell me, mom… what's the problem? I was out with some friends...I told you.'

‘Laura come sit next to me.’ Dad said.

‘No,' I answered determinately. ‘What the hell is going on?'

My dad got up, picked up my red diary from the table. He moved in my direction looking at me in a very unfamiliar way an angry yet tired and frustrated way: ‘We know that. But explain these things.’

I took brief second thinking of some sort of lie or excuse to deny the whole embarrassing thing. ‘You guys have no right to search my bedroom. That's private stuff.'

Great. Turn it back on them.

‘We didn’t…Why would you think of something like that …?’ My mother snapped while my dad gave her a warning look making her sit back on the couch.

‘Honey; why didn’t you tell me about this whole gender struggle thing. I can tell it’s been going for a very long time,' he said referring to the book in his hands.

And I can tell they searched it from A to Z, which is so overwhelming to me right now. That diary contains some incredibly embarrassing stuff. I can’t believe they read it. Together! And worst! They have read the part talking about them!

‘We could have fixed this together.'

That statement brought me back to the awful reality. And I couldn’t help but be mad about it.

‘Fixing it?’ I snapped. ‘Mrs. Brilliant psychologist, twelve years of dealing with sick people and you still use terms like "gender struggle?" I am fucking done with your attempt to “fix” everything with good sense and deep conversations. Not everything is fixable with talking. Some things cannot be expressed in fucking words.’

‘Laura, watch your language,' my mom yelled.

I ignored her: ‘I’m not broken! YOU CAN’T FIX ME.’

I knew it is horrible to yell at your parents, I’ve avoided getting in fights with them my whole life by letting them always win, but this time I couldn’t. All of that shit I have been holding in my heart all those years got out like hot lava. 

‘I understand you’re upset and all. But holding something like that for a long time did you no good.’ He started after a while. ‘Still, it’s not too late to talk about it. It’s only a phase you’re having, and you will get over it. ’

‘No dad. It’s not: I’m a transgender. This is a fact.’ I added calmly. ‘Nothing is going to change. You just need to understand. You need to help me. Can you?’

'No,' mom yelled almost losing her mind over that last question I asked. 'Have you completely lost your mind!!? Where did this even come from?’

‘Does it matter Kath?’ dad shut her. ‘We are not discussing the reasons. We are trying to find a solution right here.’

‘THIS MIGHT BE ONE THE REASONS’ I objected referring to them. ‘I hate when you talk to her that way, she has an opinion in this just as you do.’

He looked at me and then at mom. 'You are not making any sense, Laura.' I rolled my eyes and dropped my bag so frustrated. 'Of you won't get it.'

‘I can’t believe you kept things like that from us this whole time,' my mom started a bit after.

‘I can’t believe you never noticed,' I shot back. 

I became a complete stranger to them, and they became strangers to me too.

‘You dress up like boys and are obsessed with soccer. Of course, we noticed you were a little different from other girls. But it's very common in your generation. Right? We never thought it went this far!' She objected.

 My dad put the diary back on the table and sat down. ‘I mean this contains some scary stuff… dreams and sex and fantasies. What is all that?’

‘Oh my god ...dad.’ I became so ashamed of the whole situation. ‘What did you expect: I'm seventeen.’

‘Did this really start seven years ago…? This whole time! I thought you were telling me everything!’ She cried. 

‘Mom it’s not your fault.'

‘Whose "fault" is it?’ My dad said calmly.

‘It's not some... mistake. It's the way I am. ' I turned my eyes at him. 'I know you are going to do the right thing.'

He nodded sighing. I walked towards the stairs.

‘We are not done here young lady’, mom threatened angrier than ever.

‘I am.’