Not Her

CHAPTER 13

Would you rather be sad forever but living with the people you love or do the one thing that makes you happy and sacrifice being with your family and loved ones?

I’ve chosen the first option my whole life because I thought I’m strong enough to endure that pain especially if I had my awesome family beside me all along. But for this past couple of years, I started believing that it's seriously not enough and I'm not that strong. Therefore, I have no other choice but going for it.

When I was ten years old. I discovered that it’s very possible to get a sex reassignment surgery in our country, in fact, it’s way more common than I thought. Since then, the idea never left my little head even after trying burying so deep. In the beginning, it was just a fantasy; imagining how I would look like a guy with a beard, muscles, and stuff. It was fun to think about it and dream of it. I used to get on those shitty websites that changed my features into a boy’s. And enjoy wearing my brother’s clothes once in a while. But mostly I did a lot of cross-dressing when nobody was home. That’s how far I went. I never talked to anyone about it because I convinced myself that I’ll grow out of it, and the idea of starting a transitioning process was such madness.

So I made a list in my diary writing reasons; why I should start it and why I shouldn’t. I kept things extremely private in there; things I can’t even say out loud. Things that a ten years old never understood. So I hid them in my little red diary; scared that my parents would find them someday. I kept it in the back of my closet inside a little shoebox.

 After seven years, this is how it looks like:

2012

I'm a transgender because:

-I like to play male roles.

-I love the boys’ toys more than girls’.

-I wish I was like Jason.

-I hate my body.

-I want to grow a beard.

-I want to be a man so I can do whatever the hell I want.

I can't be thinking about it because?

-My parents will never let me do it.

-I could Die.

-It’s extremely expensive.

-I may lose my family.

2013

-Why do I have to cover my breasts on the beach? (I want to swim shirtless like Jason.)

-I hate wearing bras.

- I don’t like to wear girly clothes and do girly activities or hang out with girly girls.

-I HATE MAKEUP I would never wear it. Ever

-I hate when dad hits mom. He does it because he is stronger and she is so weak for letting him.

-I don’t like it when boys control their girlfriends. I don’t ever want to be controlled.

2015

-I love gay movies. I like seeing two males in a relationship, it's somehow relaxing and I can't watch any other kind of romantic stuff.

-I hate getting my fucking PERIOD.

-I can't believe that nothing else turns me on but gay porn, how am I going to explain it to mom if she walked on me watching it? 

-I have dreams about being a man all the time.

-I also dreamed of having sex as a man. And I never felt better in my life, even if that was only a fucking dream!

-I hate when men treat me like I’m weak.

2016

-If I changed it; I believe I would be more confident and more sociable. I would talk more and feel more comfortable around people. 

-I would cut my hair and wear my favorite clothes without been judged.

 2017

-I am a very confident person inside but I’m always shy and uncomfortable around people. My personality doesn’t go along with my appearance.

2019

Something is happening

-I like someone and I can’t stop thinking about him.

-Jordan likes me too, he might be interested in me. Like this! (He is straight.)

-I’m always comfortable around him, I don’t have to fake my “girliness”. He likes that I look like a tomboy, and he never judges me. He just makes me feel like myself.

Update: Jordan doesn’t like me. The only man I care about is in love with someone else. So I guess it's over. 

I have no more excuses. I’ll talk to my parents about transitioning. I'm doing it. I’ll do it before I get heartbroken AGAIN. It's decided.

You are probably thinking: what a troubled human!  He needs therapy.

 Whatever it is that you’re thinking. Feel free to, just don’t judge me so hard. I started writing it when I was ten. 

I used to be very self-conscious and I am still that way. I knew what I wanted and I knew what I felt. My dad taught me how to analyze my emotions and understand how my subconsciousness works. Therefore, the circumstances surrounding me made me reject my body more and more and it was too clear, too obvious to me: I am a boy.

The first “reasons” were kind of forward and looking pretty stupid. They were more facts about me and my struggles with my biological female body. I was so young; I just gave words to what was going in my little head. I never understood it completely.

But as I grew up I started comprehending myself more and more. The environment where I had been living was filled with gender discrimination and sexism. It made me angry towards everything and everyone including myself. I was influenced by many toxic relationships around me plus the ones in the media and books. And I stopped at one point asking myself: is it really in you or are you just influenced by everything around and you refuse your gender because of the rules and the stereotypes applied on it by society? Is it really just something you created in your head and made a big problem out of it?

When questions like this were asked, and doubts blur out my ideas and vision, I simply go eight years back to that school theatre and everything becomes clearer. There was nothing affecting me then. 

 Things became more unclouded once I started having weird dreams and fantasizing about having male genitals. As funny as it may sound.

 After having my first relationship; I realized -that on the term of sexuality, I am obviously into men which technically makes me gay and probably a dominant.

But that is not it. I felt like I had this fight with myself every day. I had this amazing positive confident side that I never show to others because it was “not fitting” my exterior self. I’m funny, happy, positive excited about life and everything around me looks beautiful. But only in my room cross-dressing in front of a mirror. 

There was nothing I wanted more than finishing with that final surgery and finally make my ultimate dream come true. 

But things changed after I saw him …He started changing my mind slowly. And making me like myself a little, making me less afraid of showing the real me. 

I know who I am. That’s never going to change. But Jordan is making the situation slightly less bad. He doesn’t see my outside, by far he is the only person that had actually looked through me. I thought that maybe he is the reason I’m going to forget this crazy idea and try to actually adapt to this girl's body. And keep pushing myself, into it. Because at least I’ll be with him.

That's a sacrifice I was ready to make.