Not Her

Final CHAPTER

"A man dreams of himself being a butterfly. And then he wakes up and wonders if he is a man or a butterfly dreaming of herself being a man." Zhuangzi. There is one pretty interesting philosophy in this; even if we think we know ourselves and we control our ideas.  A human has a big lack of knowledge concerning the metabolism of his brain.
Once we are not one hundred percent conscious, we lose control of some parts of ourselves if not all the parts. We often live some very weird experiences that we cannot explain. Sleep paralyze, sleep jumping, flashbacks, Dejavus ...It's like our brain glitches, we lose consciousness of the reality around us. It is very tricky.
It takes one night of bad sleeping or one bottle of beer to fuck up your whole day, and start seeing weird things and hallucinating. I once slept for four hours an afternoon and I couldn't distingue between morning and night afterward.
When I woke up this morning, it took me like ten minutes to establish my thoughts and understand where I was. What happened and what didn't happen. As I feared, Jordan was not by my side. I took my jacket and got down the stairs. I can't even think straight in here. Leaving once for all.

'Where do you think you're going?'
I froze before the door, a bright of joy lighted my eyes.
'You haven't left,' I said turning around with a wide smile drawn on my lips.
'Not before I make you breakfast. Come on.'
I joined him to the kitchen legs shaking, and heart floating with happiness.
*
Funny how sharing a secret with somebody so close to you can make you even closer...BUT MOSTLY IN MOVIES.
In real life that's not the case. Sensitive secrets once out can make the most intimate relationships as awkward as fuck. It can make two people who have been together for some long time strangers all of a sudden. Friends, relatives, and even lovers. It can all be destroyed in a second because of some silly information gone out. Better keep your shit to yourself.
The bottom line; I've never felt so far from Jordan like that morning. Facing each other, on the same table but saying no word. He kept a sympathetic smile on his face glancing at me once in a while.
'Do you like them ?' He said referring to the hash browns on my plate.
'Yes,' I nodded. I don't even know how they tasted. I've been just shoving food in my throat. All I could think about is whether to start talking or not.
'You know how to make pancakes?' he asked.
'Not really.'
'That's ok Laura. I'll teach you someday,' he said winking.
I chuckled a bit annoyed.
'What is it?' he asked smiling.
'Nothing.'
'Just say it.'
'Laura??' I repeated 'you never call me that.'
'That's your name.'
'That's not the point.' I objected.
'What is the point then?' he shot back.
'You're being awkward ... like formal or whatever...'
'Formal?!' he accentuated.
'Yes...Like cold or something,' I added not sure if he got my point.
'Okay... I'm sorry,' his tone dropped calm. 'I don't know how I'm supposed to act... I just want you to feel...unjudged.'
'Dude, you are doing just that... by being all... different ... and I don't know ... bizarre.'
He didn't respond to that staring at his plate for a while. I fixed him waiting for a response.
'I'm not perfect you know,' he said finally sighing. 'Not even close... My life is so fucked up and you know it... And nothing is making it better for me...Imagine waking up every morning to this life where you have to take care of everything by yourself with nobody to trust or to talk to...It's like I'm stuck in a non-ending nightmare...The only person who makes me catch my breath is you...I thought maybe I can be a nice guy for you. Since you make me happier with every second I spend with you... You make me laugh like no one else ...I don't feel like a loser when I'm with you...only when I'm with you. I tried to be perfect because I thought you were too perfect for me...'
Believe me. I'm even more messed up.
'But I was wrong: you are not perfect at all. And that's exactly what made me fall for you even more. You're beautiful, and it makes you even more beautiful that you don't know it. And you are weird, but in a very good way..you're weird, you're awkward, you are funny you're sometimes so calm and shy in a very scary way dude. But other times you are so jumpy and silly and joyful. ... I'm lucky that I got to know both sides of you... And I... I won't lose this. I don't want to let this go now.'
Now I can't look at his gaze.
'Look at me,' he said holding my hand on the table. 'I don't give a fuck about that, we'll make it work. We will find a way.'
I probably looked unconvinced because he kept bringing every argument in the book. But I wasn't unconvinced. I was surprised. I was happy, touched and completely thrilled.
'You know what?!' I raised my eyes in his direction. 'Fuck it. Babe. I want to be with you. I don't care anymore. Go ahead for that surgery or whatever. Do whatever makes you happy.'
I couldn't help but smile at his innocent silly suggestion.
'It's not just one "surgery" Jordan.' I started. 'You don't become man overnight. It's a very very long process... It begins with hormone treatment...with testosterone...'
He nodded a bit overwhelmed. And I realized that it was the first time I was telling this to another human being. I never even said it out loud. It sounded so crazy scary when hearing it myself.
'And that's for life,' I continued. 'After that comes the surgeries; bilateral mastectomy is the main one, it's the hardest one actually...  Then chest contouring and hysterectomy... and finally phalloplasty... It's a long, awkward and exhausting journey... I know that eventually my parents are going to understand and they will help me get through it because they are my parents after all. They are obligated to stay with me no matter what. But you ...you are not ... even if you remained with me for those two years or three... In the end, you may not like it... maybe you won't like me... And you'll leave...I won't bare it.'
Jordan stared at me perplexed. All kinds of emotions were drawn on his face. Except one: uncertainty. 'I won't leave.'
'That's a crazy promise you're making. You don't have to say anything. I'll understand ... this is too much... you don't have to...'
'No. I mean it,' he interrupted voice firm.
'Dude you know why I don't take that "forever" of yours seriously? Because we are eighteen, we are way too young to know about forever...'
'You don't know that; my parents were high school sweethearts. It's not something "supernatural"...why can't we do it?'
I shook my head sideways.
'Listen, I don't really understand why you want to do it... And I'll never do ok? It's even impossible for me to picture as a guy... But I know one thing for sure: I'll be there every–single–second... As you said; it won't be easy, but I can make it work. Just believe in me ... I can do this. I promise. I'll love you either way.'
They were no words in that world that could have described how delightful he made me. How grateful I felt for having someone like him. I never thought I deserved love. But it hit me then. That beautiful realization: he loves me. He said it before. But I just heard it.
'I won't,' I said.
He gazed confusedly to me.
'If I would become what I want; I won't love you the same Jordan. Then, I'll be too complete, too happy to just love you. My feelings for you would go beyond the limits of love. It would be something close to heaven...But I'm afraid you don't really get it... in three years, maximum: I'll change completely... I won't be Laura anymore. And you fell for her, not for a guy... you're straight.'
He shook his head with that beautiful smile of his as if I said some silly joke. I leaned back in the chair dispread for an answer.
He got up and moved slowly towards me, lift my face up until our lips touched.
'I can't believe I'm saying this but I think... I can make an exception for you...'
I rolled my eyes finally smiling. 'I'm curious to see that heaven.' He added
His words flooded my soul. I couldn't think of a time I could ever be happier.
I laughed in joy hugging him so tightly as he laughed too.
'Are you actually serious...?' I said.
'Yeah.' he assured. 'I mean what the worst it can happen?'
'Getting a bigger dick than yours.' I answered. He rolled his eyes laughing.
'That's not possible. My dick is pretty huge,' he said wrapping his arms around my waist.
I was now facing his beautiful eyes.
'Have you ever noticed that we have the same eye color?'
'Yes.' he answered with a little smile, probably surprised that I paid attention to that. 'It's like looking into my own reflection.'
'Well.' I said brushing his hair back 'That's exactly what it would feel like.'
He narrowed his eyebrows at me for a second. Then burst into laughter.
'You're fucking crazy,' he giggled.
'You  have no idea.'