Not Her

CHAPTER 4

Thank god it's the winter break, I get to take a rest from the past three long months of school. It has only been the first trimester and I’m already mentally and physically exhausted like hell. Not only because of school stress. Also seeing Jordan in that situation the other day affected me so badly, I couldn't stop thinking about it, especially since I did nothing. I never felt so weak and helpless.

And since I have no one to talk to, I get to this point when all my emotions, fears and ideas kept deep in my head, to my lonely self, float back on the surface and messes with my head and mental health. Jordan is just the cherry on top, I was already too fucked up. Now I can't focus on anything no matter how easy it is; I can't study I can't read or exercise, or even talk to others and enjoy little things with my family. I spend the whole days locking myself in my room fixing my walls and overthinking. It is called depression, I hate it when it hits me. Eventually, it ends. I get breakdowns of tears, feel better and move on. But it destroys me every time.

I wish I had ordinary teenage hood problems, like figuring out what to wear to school, or what makeup to put on. Or worrying about boys or acne or friends.

I actually have a share of all that, but I’ve simply chosen to ignore them. Because they looked nothing compared to my other “problem”, and the pain I get from caring about the ones I love.

I have sensitive skin; I don’t like many parts of my body (if not all of it) neither have the stylish clothes ever. I have many insecurities; I’m antisocial and unconfident and extremely awkward around others, as a result, I have no friends, no boyfriend. But all of those little problems don’t matter to me. I see my gender as the source of all of them and many others, that’s why trying to fix them is a waste of time. I need to fix the main problem. Or at least worry about It first.

Sometimes I wish I knew fewer things. Living dumbly must be pretty fun. I wish I didn't know that the whole world is a shitty place to live in, and our society is fucked up on too many levels. It became so material and superficial; people are now evaluated by how fancy their clothes are and how big their cars are.

Everywhere there are unnecessary things for people to buy, convincing them that a certain item is going to make them happier. iPhones, flat-screen TVs, clothes, makeup, unhealthy relationships, fake figures that are selling all kinds of unrealistic dreams and promises. Making people look for more and more. More money, more clothes, a bigger house, more people to lead. Whatever the fuck it takes to get that dose of self-satisfaction.

Almost nobody teaches you how to take care of people around you and love them and yourself the way you are. And appreciate your flaws and imperfections. That's out of the question, isn't it? Because that way everybody would be successful. And God forbid, we all become successful!

If society, school, parents or even a stranger had taught me any of that when I was nine, I wouldn’t be struggling this much.

*

I woke up yesterday decided to feel better. I'm obligated to motivate myself. Because no one else is going to do it for me. I went running by the early morning, to clear my head of all those negative depressing thoughts.

The sun was shining bright, but it wasn't hot out. In fact, the morning had a calm and relaxing atmosphere. I ran all the way across the high school buildings and by the grocery stores and restaurants of the town. I passed by hop's my favorite place to eat when I was a kid.

My father used to take Jason and I there every Sunday to drink chocolate milkshakes and devour small strawberry cupcakes. Those were my happy moments, from a time when I was carefree and full of joy and innocence, not giving a fuck about what anyone else's talk. I had dad by my side and that was all I needed.