Not Her

Chapter 26

'It's okay,' the nurse said 'We will try another one. Just relax.'
'Thank you,' my voice was shaking.
This is it.
My dream is coming true after all those years, It caused me some horrible pain, some awful heartbreaks, others won't see me the same way anymore and I'll lose a lot of people I know. But at least I'll gain myself.
My parents had accepted to pay for the first surgery after all. Maybe I convinced them of how miserable I'll live this way. And there I laid, surrounded by nurses, drugs and medication, blue curtains and the smell of sterile. It is so scary.
I've been waiting for this moment my whole life, and now that it's finally here; I can't close my eyes. It is not just fear it is something else, a feeling of sadness and hesitation, or even an odd depression.
But why would I be sad?
I want this. Maybe overthinking it is what's keeping me from sleeping. I closed my eyes forcing myself to lose conscious; which is scientifically impossible.
So as this operation if you don't pass the fuck out Laura.
'Just relax. Loose up your body.' I heard the doctor saying. The nurse injected me a second dose of the drug. My eyelashes started feeling heavy and I couldn't resist it anymore.
It's happening. I'm gone. It's all just...Black


'Laura. Laura! Wake the fuck up!'
No! I shouldn't. I can't wake up now. NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPERATION. Don't open your eyes!
'Laura, baby please,' the sound repeated, I recognized it. But I thought I was hallucinating for sure. He is not allowed in the operation room.
I'm not waking up.
'Wake up god damn It !!' Jordan yelled again.
I opened my eyes slowly so scared. People who wake up in the middle of the execution of a surgery face terrible pain. But most of them are not even back to describe it.
I felt conscious even though I was "sleeping", the voice of reason in my mind was telling me not to wake up, but I did it anyway. My heart took control of my body. I couldn't ignore Jordan's voice.

lking out.
'I'm back! I'm so sorry,' he repeated again and again. Sudden flashbacks from this horrible night came back and a wave of anger within.
He hugged me tightly as I cried on his shoulder 'YOU LEFT ME ALONE.'
'What did you do to yourself?!! You're so fucking stupid.' His voice was shaking too.
Remembering it all, I got angrier, frustrated, and very disappointed. 'Leave me alone.' I tried to pull off his hold over and over again. But he refused to. And I surrendered to him after all the fighting. As I always do.

'You're so dumb Laura. What the fuck were you thinking? Getting out in this darkness.?!' he howled, rolling a bandage over my hand. 'Let's go upstairs.'
'I need to talk to you.'
'No we'll talk in the morning,' he said trying to get me off the floor.
'No... now...You need to understand... I...'
'NO,' he answered firmly giving me angry eyes. 'You can't talk right now.'
I felt my weight doubling as if gravity had got a hundred times more intense. I couldn't get up or even move my feet. I fell again on the ground.
  'You don't tell me what I can do ... Fuck you! Just leave again... you fucking coward!'
He didn't listen, put my arm around his neck and lifted me up. 'Laura. You're drunk.'
'Fuck you! You're drunk,' I yelled, struggling to keep my eyes open.
He held me upstairs, to the bedroom. He laid me down on the white sheet like a lifeless corpse.
He sat by the side of the bed.
'You will leave me again, right? You won't be here tomorrow morning.' I said grasping his arm.
'I won't... Now try to sleep.'
He pulled off my grasp and covered me with a blanket.
'You will...you don't have the balls to keep up. You said it yourself.'
'Laura please stop talking.'
'WHY?! Why should I trust your word..?!'
'Because I fucking love you. Ok?' He interrupted yelling.
He took a deep breath. 'I have lived some awful things. I have been through hell and back...I got into deep shit multiple times that I thought I became invulnerable; that nothing can ever hurt or affect me.'
He whispered after a while. 'But finding you laying there on the street, not knowing if you're alive or dead was with no doubt the worst nightmare I've ever lived... I won't let myself go through that again. I won't leave.'
I turned on the other side. Avoiding his eyes. I was getting weaker and weaker with every word coming of his mouth and I had no room for being weak. 'Get out.'