Not Her

CHAPTER 11

‘Hey, beautiful.' I raised my eyes to see Maria looking at me faking a stupid smile.

What I did not mention about Maria is that she is one of the girls I’ve been seeing around my whole life. In sixth grade, I beat her at the spelling bee competition, and since then she became the devil, her mission is destroying me. She just refuses to lose or to come seconde, that's the way she is. I remember her calling me names, bullying me in the halls and talking shit behind my back for no apparent reason. I never faced bullying before, she made a target out of me and other students did the same.

According to my dad: she’s mean to me because she feels intimidated by me.  ‘But she is mean to everybody,' I had said to dad, eyes wide open.

‘Well, maybe she has too many personal problems with her family or school. Or maybe dealing with personal insecurities. And by being mean to other people, she feels a little good about herself. But it’s a temporary feeling so she needs to do it repeatedly. Over and over. This way she might become a bully without acknowledging it.’

She did.

When I was eleven years old, my dad’s psychological speech did me no good. It never made sense to me, therefore it didn’t make me feel any better. But as I grew up, I started getting it. Now every time I look at Maria's face or any other bully’s face; I feel sorry for them.

‘My friends and I were having a little argument about something. Could you do us a favor and clarify it a little to us.’

As she said those words, her two friends behind her chuckled. And all the other students start looking at us; because everybody knew that Maria is about to start some drama. And they are thirsty for that shit.

When it came to me, I had no clue where any of that was going. I decided to get back to my phone ignoring her. But obviously, that didn’t stop her.  It didn’t stop her five years ago when she pushed me in the recess in front of the whole school and ran away laughing. Why would it stop her now?

‘Laura honey; are you a freaking lesbian?’

OH! This little bitch!! She DID NOT just say that in front of the whole class. Again!

Most of them laughed, which gave her the satisfaction she needed. Others looked away not wanting any part of this.

‘I mean honey if you are you can tell us. We would like to find you a boy... I mean a girlfriend.’

Her sarcastically nice tone and serious look made her friends burst into laughter. ‘Can you just fuck off?’ I responded without showing my angriness.

‘A little bird told me. You kissed a girl before. Did you like it?’

Fucking bitch!

I can’t believe she is bringing that up again. I thought we got over that.

THAT WAS IT. She pushed me to the edge.

‘That is none of your fucking business.’ I said getting off the chair to face her green gaze. ‘Why do you care if I was a lesbian or not? It's fucking two thousand nineteen, people don't bother each other about their sexuality anymore. Are you that bored? Get a fucking life.’

She opened her mouth to answer looking unmoved by my words. But a male voice at the door did that for her making everybody turn heads to his direction.

‘Give it a rest, Maria.’

‘How cute. Even losers defend each other.’ Belly said. She is one of Maria's skanks. Following her everywhere like an animal.

This time Maria didn't appreciate her "help", she glanced at her coldly looking troubled by J's entrance. He walked slowly towards her and whispered something in her ear that made her go completely nervous.

‘You wouldn’t dare,' she said looking in shock.

‘You don’t want to take that risk,' he answered challengingly fixing her eyes.

Her stupid smile faded into a defeated expression as she sat down without saying a single word.

What the hell did he say to her that made her go so quiet like that? I thought, watching that satisfying and yet confusing scene. I wanted to ask him, but our late teacher got in and everybody settled down.

For the rest of the period, two things made me lose complete focus.

First, it was the dramatic scene from the past half hour. She brought up an old story that I thought was forgotten. She never picked on me this year, until today, and using a middle school rumor to make me feel uncomfortable. I tried to remember what I did wrong these last weeks that made her turn savage all over. Was it the A I got in English? Or the time I ran into her in the hall? Or is it because I finally have a friend and not considered a complete loser?

And the second thing, which was slightly less bad; is the dream I had last night. A scary one. There were no monsters no demons. It hadn't that type of fear.  It was scary because usually, dreams reveal what’s hidden in the human subconscious. No matter how stupid a dream seems, no matter how illogical all its events are. It is with no doubt telling something personal about us. Thank God we dream alone.

I was with Jordan in my house; empty and dark. We were having fun: Laughing and singing, dancing and just being stupid. He was so happy; I still can see his pretty eyes shining towards mine while he laughed at my stupid dance moves.

In a sweet moment, he closed his eyes and leaned to kiss me. I did the same and start kissing him back. I felt so happy and wished for the moment to never end. But it did. Abrutaly.

After a few seconds; he pushed me in a very aggressive way yelling at me: ‘Stay the fuck away from me.’

I looked at him confused and scared. ‘I’m not gay. You faggot …,' he shouted giving me a look of disgust.

He gathered his stuff and got out of the house. I was sad and confused. I tried to stop him but he didn’t listen. I cried standing in the stairs by myself watching him leave forever.

When I woke up, I found my pillow wet. I did cry.

And now remembering it feels sadder because I completely understand what the fuck that meant.

What a great way to start the last semester!