Not Her

CHAPTER 6

In classic romantic stories, such as in the tales of the eighteen/nineteen century, love had such great value.

Because back then, it wasn’t easy for a man to confess his love to his loved one. If he decided to open up to her, he would do it in a very noble way and choose the right time and place.

In fact, it was considered very impolite and inappropriate to “flirt” with a girl without her permission, even telling kind words or some poetry verses acquired her approval.

Falling in love was a fortunate thing, also very rare. A sacrifice made for love was the greatest act of noblesse a human could do.  Many stories were written about men who killed other men, got into wars or went through horrible torture for love. Men who waited for long days and nights in pain only so they can be with their loved ones. And there are others, less fortunate, circumstances were not by their side, they had to kill themselves in the end, they have chosen death over a life without love. Because love comes once in a lifetime, and life without love is not a life at all.

Sometimes I wish I was a character in one of Jane Austen's novels, I wish I was Mr. Darcy’s “mistress” so I can make a heartbroken man fall in love with me and get him out of his misery with a simple kiss. I wish I was Emma who’ve been madly loved by her best friend George. Emma was too blind to see his jealousy and too innocent to interpret his sweetness as love.  But in the end, she realized it. It hit her like a train. The luckiest thing is marrying your best friend. That’s the true happily ever after.

Still, my favorite story is the romantic relationship Elinor had with the general. He was much older than her, looked ugly and boring. None of her sisters were interested in him. They were busy seducing the younger and much handsome soldiers. Elinor got madly in love with the general’s soul, his ideas, the way he sees the world, the way he looks at her like no else does. That’s the greatest proof that love is for everyone, all shapes, all forms. It may come early or really late. But eventually, it does come. You just need to pay attention around.

The one thing these people have got in common is luck. They were fortunate enough to "notice" true love at this very short period called life. I envy them. Either the real ones or the fictional ones, those who lived centuries ago or the ones in this exact city at this exact moment. They found a special somebody that completes them and understands them and they got to be together.

I got up and looked at my reflection; do I deserve that too? Am I special enough to have that type of happiness? Dark natural wavy hair. I never bother to straight it. My skin is pale creamy and covered with moles that I got from my mother. I seem tired even if I was feeling good. And my masculine body makes me pass for a man almost all the time. All of this combined with my “Fuck the world” boyish style makes me look effortless.

Whom am I fooling?  I’m not even cute, there’s nothing special about this figure. Why would anyone love me? And even if somebody does; why the fuck would they stay with me forever? I’m not that exciting or that funny or that smart. Everything about me is so dull, boring, black and sad. I only send depression vibes wherever I go. I can’t even make myself happy.

So why would he like me?