Not Her

CHAPTER 12

'She did what?!' I screamed unable to control myself. I made everyone in the library gives us that: "this is a library STFU" look.

It was a library indeed but Jordan and I came here more for talking than working. 'Laura, don't make a big deal out of it please, I need to ask you something much more important.'

Actually, since the second period, he wanted to "ask" me something "very important". I know he is going to ask about that "I kissed a girl" thing. I kept interrupting him every single time he opened his mouth. I was more interested in knowing what his relationship with Maria is about.

Apparently, they were chemistry partners since the beginning of the year. She used to flirt with him for so long and he kept pushing her away. He said and I quote: "I don't even want to be seeing with girls like her."

Last week she sent him nudes out of nowhere. I insisted on him to show them to me. And the text was left on seen. He had deleted it right after I saw it. Which was pretty chivalrous.

'When I saw her upsetting you this morning; I just reminded her of that picture. I wasn't going to do anything with it really. I just wanted her to leave you alone- Now about that thing?'

That left me speechless, voices were screaming in my head making me go deaf. I didn't even know what to think or what to do. I honestly, felt somehow jealous, even if nothing happened between them, but that bitch flirted with him for a whole year. What if I'm no different from her?! What if I kept showing him feelings and he ended up hating me just the same?

I noticed he had been texting lots of girls. What is my worth in all of this? He is literally the only person I talk to. But for him! I'm just one of many.

I couldn't help myself but get mad at Jordan. Deep down I knew he is not the type of guy that loves to brag about how many girls are crushing on him. Or how much nudes he gets, but that didn't keep me from getting upset. He seemed suddenly like a stranger. Like a goal impossible for me to reach.

I looked away so he won't see my pathetic expression. My eyes met my reflection on the window glass. And I hated it. I hated the way I looked, this is not me! This girl has nothing to do with me. Why can't I just get the fuck out!?? Why does it have to be this way?

Tears were gathering in my eyes, I wanted to stop them but I couldn't. Jordan was still there, talking in whispers, but I wasn't hearing him. I was off so I just got up and left. Again.

I ran out of the school door crying loudly, I realized I'm not crying for the situation itself. I couldn't care less about Maria, or about the fact that she flirted with him; I hated myself for looking so weird. And weak, and making him defend me that way.

It's extremely painful to see that the person you like is desired by other people, and having interactions outside of your little world. But most importantly, that memory brought back some hidden pain.

'Why do you keep on doing this?'

With my red face and teary eyes, I turned around. J was, standing by the door breathing heavily, fixing me with a very angry look.

'And why are you crying?' His voice suddenly went soft and so did his look.

I was extremely embarrassed because I can't phrase up why I'm crying. And I just looked...stupid.

'Did I say something wrong?' He asked walking the two steps that were separating us. I wiped my tears and looked into his eyes.

'No' I said sniffling. 'I just needed some fresh air. And...'

'And what?! What is it?'

'I know what you're going to ask. I'm not a lesbian. Ok?' I yelled at him exploding like a bomb of anger. 'Even if I were I'm not ashamed of it. It's the twenty-first century for fuck sake. Still, students irritate others for their sexuality... this is the dumbest shit ever...And you... you didn't have to defend me... I looked weak and stupid... I looked like I was really hiding something terrible...And you know what? ... Yes, I kissed my best friend when I was in middle school, her father saw us and kicked me out of the house like I was some kind of a dog...and he told everyone.'