Not Her

CHAPTER 10

‘I don’t understand why are you taking math classes if you hate math this much?’

We got close to J’s house, but I wished we walked forever. I never get tired of talking to him or just being with him. We had been walking back from school together for the entire past month. We basically talked about everything: his family, my family, hobbies, dreams, movies, music, school. Every Thing.

But there is one subject we never brought:  us. One: that's a very delicate subject because none of us know where our relationship is going. Are we friends? Do we like each other more than friends? Are we going through that awkward stage before dating? This shit is so confusing.

Sometimes I feel myself kind of friend-zoned and I'm completely unaware of what I did wrong to make him think I want us to be pals. Every part of me is screaming: "I like you Jordan. " Except for my voice.

‘I don’t have an option you know, I want to get into medical school so I should get through this shitty high school program.'  

‘You can do it,' he replied. ‘So tell me something?'

‘What?’ I took my jacket off; the sun of March was burning. He took a pause and looked at me, making me suddenly uncomfortable in my own skin.

‘I was saying…,' he shook his head ‘...your parents are actually pretty wealthy right?... I mean you guys live up the hill.’

'Yes… but we are not that wealthy… we are just...average.’ He gave me one of his "Come the fuck on looks", 'Ok fine, maybe we are a little.'

‘And ...you go to school and come back by yourself.’ he continued. ‘All the way...’

‘You sound like dad,' I commented trying to avoid the question.

‘You don't want to answer?’

I took a deep breath and raised my head up. ‘I don't want to be put in that category.’ He looked unconvinced.

‘Well…,' I sighed as the painful memories floated back. ‘My parents used to drive me to school and pick me up after. Every day. Every day in their big stupid cars... Some students started picking on me. They thought I was one of those rich spoiled kids...’

‘Aren't you?'

I looked up in confusion. ‘What?’

‘A spoiled rich kid?'

'What do you think...?’

‘Well, you might be rich but you're not that spoiled.’

‘Thank you...I guess.’

We passed his house and he didn't stop. I guess the gentleman is walking me home. ‘Continue.’ he said.

-Well, basically it got annoying when they assumed that I got in the team because of my parents and stuff… because my mother's best friend is a teacher in there...

'Who?'

'Dude, just cut it off.'

'Come on.'

'Miss Nancy.'

He sighed ' now that A makes sense.' I rolled my eyes at him 'Ok. I'm just kidding.'

'Anyways… they spread that rumor and it stuck to my name. Pretty much everybody believed it– I never got any cheering when I mark a goal for my team, not even a little encouragement…'

He was now looking down, probably regretting asking me in the first place.

‘I'm sorry,' he apologized.

‘That's ok.’ I smiled hoping my words weren’t too pathetic. ‘It's not that bad.’

‘Well, I’m glad you ditched your parents,’ he said after a while. ‘We wouldn't be walking together now…And I’ll cheer for you in the next game’

                     

"Top five?"

I looked at the clock. It’s past my bedtime. But I won’t ignore a text from Jordan no matter what. Even though we just saw each other five hours ago.

"Movie, book, song, color, person."

"She's the man /Revival by Stephen King/Tornado of souls/ black / Satan(not completely a person… but still)."

"Do you know what’s weird about your list?"

"What?"

"Everything makes sense about you except for the movie."

Oh my God! He is so right!

"Everything is a little too dark you know...except for a comedy movie ?!! Isn’t it about that girl who turns into her brother or something?"

Yes!!  To play soccer!! We have so much in common Violate and me. I can relate to her so much because we both feel the need to be someone else in order to be accepted by society and make our dreams come true. Being a girl disqualifies us from being soccer superstars.

I’m not being sexist. Girls can accomplish great achievements in sports. But let’s be honest; we still unable to give the same appreciation for women as we do for men especially in the soccer field. It’s not pretty but it’s the way it is.

Despite the fact that the movie is a silly comedy, I felt the message behind it.

"I know!  I just enjoyed the story.  I like to laugh too. And now it’s your turn: a movie, song, sport, book, person."

"Fruitvale station, too young to fall in love, basketball and... You."

"I’m your favorite person?"

"Yes."

I crossed my fingers hoping that he wasn't meaning it as a favorite friend. Also fearing that he had played this game before, and had given the same answer to someone else.  I know by now how much I like him. I can’t bear disappointment. Not that “he gives me butterflies in my stomach.” It’s way deeper than that; I feel like we connect on a spiritual level. We are so alike and so different at the same time.

I thought before that love would feel familiar. I would love someone the same way I love my parents, my brother, my books, my music … I thought it can’t get bigger than that. But it can. It gets to some crazy stages. It fucks with the human being’s body and mind in a horrible and beautiful way.

For me now love is not those sweet romantic moments as in movies. It didn’t happen as the first line was said with candles nearby or under the beautiful lights of the city. It didn’t happen in a fraction of second, with a glance from his eyes.

It took me a little time before letting my mind get driven by my heart. And Jordan will probably break i, but it’s better than living the rest of my life with the regret. Asking myself: What if we got along? What if he had feelings for me too? I would never have known if I didn't try.

"You have any plans for spring break?"

He got me away from my thoughts. " I think we are going to visit someone in my family, which is the worst actually. I hate pretty much all my relatives."

"That's another thing we have in common."