Not Her

CHAPTER 17

Through years of disappointments and heartbreaks, I learned to low my expectations and be as realistic as possible. 

Never expect too much from life or from people including yourself. Stay humble and never base your life on fantasies and big dreams. Keep it real, and you will get less hurt.

This is what I have been telling myself my whole life. And it’s been working pretty well for me, but sometimes even with the lowest expectations, life can still disappoint the shit out of you. I never wanted a big graduation party. Or a handsome date for the prom to win “prom queen and king” together.  I didn’t ask for something so cliché to celebrate the end of high school, like some beautiful night under the stars with the love of my life by my side.

 And yet...My graduation night was officially the worst night of my entire life. 

Sometimes things are just out of our control. I’ve been planning, for a very long time, a way to come out to mom and dad. I imagined the scene in my head a couple of hundred times, trying to predict the dialogue we would have and the reactions they would make. And yet I never thought it would be this awful, I honestly expected them to understand. But unfortunately, mom didn't.

Also, it’s been a whole week and Jordan didn’t even call or come to my house yet. I have made him so mad, he didn’t answer any of my texts. It was all my fault; I admit that.  I managed to make him feel guilty for no reason. And that’s fucked up. I’m not excepting to get back with him after what happened.

‘Can I talk to you?’

 I raised my eyes from the paper I was drawing to see Jason standing by my door. I never heard that line coming from him before.

Jason and I are not the closest siblings on earth and yet we love each other very much. He knows it, even If I yelled at him, even if we fought and acted like enemies around Mom and Dad. We just don’t talk much, and I guess that’s both our fault; he is a quiet kid too. He spends most of his time in his room listening to music or out skateboarding. Unlike most boys of his age, Jason is very mature; he never causes trouble and never argues with anyone. He is so carefree.

When we were young, we used to play together and have so much fun. He never complains about not having a brother, because more than anyone he considered me his older brother. We were interested in the same games, the same toys, the same activities. Therefore, we were inseparable. But I admit that I was jealous of him, he had the opportunity to be himself. I didn’t.

When he got into middle school, we became distinct. I don’t even know how it happened. It just did.

‘Yes, of course, come sit,' I answered taking the papers off my bed. He looked pretty nervous which was a new thing for me to see.

‘What disaster have you done again? I’m not covering up anything for you,' I said faking a worried tone.

‘Nothing,' he answered smiling.

‘So what is it?’

 His smile faded off his face quickly, his eyes were fixing the bedsheet. He took a deep breath, ‘I like somebody.’

‘That’s so awesome dude. She is a lucky one.’ I answered relieved that the situation wasn't as bad as I had thought.

‘It’s a he,' he said after a while.

Excuse me? Now I’m one hundred percent sure that this has something to do with our parents. This can’t just be a happy coincidence. Both their kids turned gay! 

I couldn’t be happier and more grateful for hearing that. But I had no fucking idea what to say.

 My brother just came out to me! He looked so ashamed and so nervous. I had to make him feel better but I didn't’ have the right words to show him how fine that was and how completely chill I was about it, without telling him about me. Without saying the phrase “Me too". I was worried, scared happy and thrilled at the same time.

‘So does he like you too?’ I managed to ask in amusement. 

His eyes were shining with happiness. I never saw him so excited about anything my whole life. ‘So you are not upset or anything?’ 

‘Why the fuck would I be upset? I don’t care who you are fucking, as long as he is your age and aids free.’

‘Yeah. No pedo,' he said laughing. ‘I knew you will get it.’

‘And why is that?’

‘Come on man, don’t play those games with me,' he rolled his eyes at me. ‘I know you.’

I stared at him mute thinking of a way out. But seeing the look in his eyes, I realized I couldn't fool him. He knows me better than anyone.

‘I don’t know what you are talking ...’

‘Dude just cut it off,' he interrupted. ‘I never saw you as a sister … and you know it...At school I used to tell my friends I have an older brother...a strong handsome brother. Because something about you being a girl was just not making sense…You are not. Ok!!... just stop hiding it already.’

I became astonished, at a loss for words and completely choked. I jumped on my brother and hugged him a warm long hug. Feeling closer to him than ever before. His words made my whole universe go brighter. I couldn’t believe someone else was seeing the pain I’m enduring. I thought I was going crazy.

'You… are my brother… you always have been. Mom and dad were too dumb for not seeing it,' he said holding me tighter, ‘they had to know...’

‘You’re the one who gave them my diary?!!’ I yelled getting off his arms. 

‘They had to know. It’s not fair going through it alone…,' he said defending.

‘But you had no right. I wasn’t ready… I was waiting for the right circumstances… you took that from me…' I got off the bed.

‘You were never going to be ready,', he objected, ‘I hated seeing you tortured that way...Fuck the circumstances. They had to know.’

I took a deep breath looking at the cloudy sky from my window. I guess he has a point.

‘How did you find my book?’ I asked calmly. ‘I hid it in the back of my closet.’

‘No you didn’t,' he said making me turn around to face him. ‘It was on your bed. I saw it while looking for my Motley tee-shirt.’

‘That’s my tee-shirt you little shit,' I objected.

‘No, it’s not. You gave it to me.’

‘No, I let you borrow it because I felt bad seeing you crying your ass off.’

‘Fine, your highness. It’s all yours...Shove it right up your ass.’

‘I will,' I answered laughing. Making him smile too. I sat back in front of him, pushing his leg.

‘So you didn’t answer, does the bastard like you too?’ I said after a while.

‘We are kind of ...already…together,' he said handing me his phone. 'His name is Edward.'

It was filled with pictures. His boyfriend was extremely cute, with big glasses and blond curly hair.  They looked so fucking adorable together. 

God! He never looked happier. I scrolled through the dozen of images. I never had imagined he had such a happy world of his own. I guess we all have secrets, some of us are just better keeping them.

‘You, son of a bitch.’ I laughed handing him back the phone. ‘You already have a boyfriend and you came here bitching about “liking somebody”.

‘Yes, but I couldn’t be completely happy until now… until I told you.’

‘Aww.’ 

‘I’ll go tell him,' he said getting out of the room laughing at my fake “Aww”.

‘And dude…’

‘What?’

‘I love you,' he said touching my broken soul. ‘Like… really.’

'Ok.’ I answered. ‘Now get the fuck out of my room.’

My fourteen years old brother needed no one’s permission to be himself. He came only asking for my blessing. I wish I was half that braveness.