A Whole Bunch of Loki's

Something We Don't Have - Part Two

(I can't believe this little book of mine has reached 100k reads.

Thank you all so much, it truly means the world to me.)

I felt tears spring to my eyes as I looked at the test, my heart squeezing tightly in my chest.

Negative.

Again.

With a yell of frustration I threw the test across the room, watching it slam against the wall then clatter to the floor.

Hanging my head, I bury my face into my hands and sob as if my life depended on it, any hope I had diminishing in a flickering second.

The door clicked open behind me and boots scuffed along the tiled floor, I didn't need to raise my head to know that it was Loki and I didn't particularly wish to look at him right now.

Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest, one hand going into my hair as the other rested on my lower back.

"I'm sorry, we'll get there."

"It's been almost a year, Loki," I hiccupped, grabbing onto the lapels of his armour, "seven months of nothing."

"We'll manage."

"But what if we don't? What if I'm broken somehow?" I pulled away and looked up at him, my eyes aching from the tears.

Loki cupped my face in his cold hands, unintentionally smushing my cheeks lightly and making my lips purse a little, leading me to feel a little ridiculous despite the seriousness of the situation.

"Don't, who knows why we haven't been successful? That doesn't matter right now, we'll keep trying and if we don't succeed by the time we reach twelve months then we shall look at alternate options."

I looked up at him and sniffed, feeling ugly and useless but also immensely loved, even if his words of comfort weren't working completely.

"Okay, we'll continue trying."

Which is exactly what we did.

Over the months we tried all the methods we could.

We'd taken to going more in depth than merely 'trying', we read books and researched the best methods, times and positions that were said to increase the chance of pregnancy exponentially.

I went from having fun with what we were doing to stressing over my diet and keeping my hips raised after we'd had sex, our attempts to conceive soon started to feel more like a chore that was taking over our lives than a couple enjoying themselves.

It was hard.

We tried to not let the stress get the best of us and cause arguments, there were times that we got snippy with each other but that was to be expected as with any couple.

That was only natural.

By the twelfth month we were tired, stressed and at the end of our tether with the constant disappointments.

Remaining strong was difficult, as was not throwing the blame at one another.

Over the months we both worried that we were the reason it wasn't working.

Could it be that he was sterile?

Was I fertile?

Could his Jotun genes not mix with my Asgardian ones?

So many questions with no answers, all we knew for a fact was that we weren't succeeding.

We started to look into other options and rule out what could and couldn't work.

Magic – While having a high chance of helping, ran too much of a risk for things to go wrong or the magic was too potent.

Surrogate – Made me hesitant for reasons I couldn't entirely decipher.

Artificial Insemination – The percentage was too low for us to wish to risk our hopes again.

And that was how we came to this;

"I think it's time we put little man to bed, don't you?"

I smiled at the young boy who was curled against my side, his head resting on my shoulder while his large, grey eyes gazed at the decorations on the corridor walls.

Three months after our year was up, we had a long conversation and settled on adoption.

The process had led to more long and arduous months, even given Loki's status and choosing a child had been difficult in itself, but we finally settled on a four-year-old Vanir boy who had melted my heart the first time he smiled at me.

The poor boy seemed absolutely terrified as we led him to his new home, though it was no surprise as I'm sure being brought to a place as large and prolific as the palace was more than daunting, especially for someone so young.

He was resilient though and settled in faster than I could have hoped.

By the second week he had Loki chasing him down the halls, his melodic squeal of laughter echoing as he was capture and spun in the air before being hugged tightly.

Loki had taken to him instantly and the love he resonated made my heart soar.

"I couldn't have asked for anything better," I murmured one night, staring down at our blessing as I played with his light curls.

Loki smiled and wrapped an arm around my waist, adjusting the blanket he had placed over the small boy for warmth after he'd fallen asleep during nap time.

"It took a lot of heartbreak, but we're here," he looked at me with a look of absolute adoration, "and we're a family."

I nodded and leaned in to kiss him, trying to ignore the emotional swelling in my chest and burning of unshed tears in my eyes.

A knock at the door cut our kiss short, Loki pulled away with a sigh on annoyance and a roll of his eyes.

"Enter," he called, trying not to disturb the sleeping boy.

The door slowly opened and in stepped one of the messenger girls, her chest heaving as she rushed towards the bed and fumbled with the letter in her hands.

"An urgent message from the healers," she panted, holding the letter out to Loki.

He took it with a small thank you and then waved her off.

The door clicked shut behind her and Loki turned the letter over, letting out a small hum before passing it to me.

"This is for you."

I raised an eyebrow and took it from him, turning it over in my hands and fiddling with the edges a little.

"Aren't you going to open it?"

I looked at Loki, who had his head tilted curiously.

Slowly, I shook my head and set the letter to one side.

"Not just yet," I said with a smile, my fingers going back to playing with soft curls, "I doubt it's that urgent."