The shy boy from math class

Chapter 21| Guilt

      "How are you holding up?" Genevieve sets the bags on my bed and sits across from me. She starts to take out the food and I pick at my nails.

It's been one week of Grayson being in a coma. This week has been pure hell. My math grade has been going down again. Anytime Mr.Riley brings up Grayson the whole class looks at me. They all automatically assumed we were dating or something.
I haven't gotten much sleep either. I've gone to the hospital a few times this week. I haven't gotten the strength to see Grayson. I always wait in the waiting room. I wait for Elle or Steven to give me an update. I bring them anything they need or food from the cafeteria.

They stay at the hospital as much as they can or until they need to go to work.

Genevieve felt just as guilty as I did when I told her. The night my mom picked me up from the hospital was the worst yet. I sleep a few hours and would wake up in cold sweat every time. This all sucks.

"I've had better days." I mumble. I unwrap my sandwich and take a big bite out of it.

Genevieve looks at me with concern, shaking her head in denial. "I saw you happy for one week and then happy you disappeared again. He made you happy, didn't he?"

I keep chewing my food and gulp it down. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I just want happy Selena back." She says lowly.

I take a deep breath, trying to remember everything about meditation. "Happy Selena was before all of this shit happened. Before her boyfriend cheated on her and got her friend pregnant. Before her other closest got into a car accident and now is in a come because of her."

"It wasn't your fault." She says.

"Yes, it was! He fell asleep and crashed! I saw the signs of how sleepy he was and still let him drive home." I feel my eyes start to tear up. I ignore any other comments she has and scroll through my phone.

I see a new picture that Gaby posted a few seconds ago-

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!" I scream, throwing my phone across my room. It dents my wall then hits the ground, screen first.

Genevieve furrows her eyebrows and goes over to pick up my phone. As she picks it up a few glass shards hit the floor. She sucks in s breath and looks at the phone screen. "Selena it's completely shattered."

"I don't fucking care anymore, Gen! Fuck! It's like the world is just turning against me. It decided to fuck with me and my emotions this month. Fuck." I slam my fist into my nightstand.

She flinches and opens her phone. "What'd you see?"

"Look at Gaby's post." I huff.

I see her fingers scroll through her screen then she gasps. Her eyes slightly widen and her mouth is wide open. "Baby Adams coming soon. Holy shit and there's a ring on her finger too."

"No fucking shit!" My breathing starts to feel uneven. I breathe loudly trying to regain it.

"Selena-"

I feel my body turn hot and the hot tears streaming down my face. "I can't take it anymore! I can't! I've tried holding it in but I fucking can't." 

Genevieve sits next to me on the bed and wraps her arms around me. She rubs my forearms and tells me, "Everything's going to be okay, Selena. Grayson will wake up. You'll move on from all this pain and become a successful woman."

"I can't take it." I cry.

She shushes and continues to reassure me. "Fuck them. They knew you'd see it too. Gaby tried so much to get you to forgive her and now she pulls out this shit? Sel, she was never your friend to begin with."

I sniffle, sucking in the comfortable silence. All I want is Grayson comforting me. Telling me it's okay while I glance up at his hazel eyes every once in a while. I make a comment that makes him blush then feeling the butterflies in my stomach-

Butterflies in my stomach. That's what those are. I never felt those for anybody, except Calvin. It can't be. This can't be real.

Genevieve's phone buzzes from her pocket and she takes it out. I pull away from her hug as she read whatever notification she got.

"It's my mom. She wants me to watch Jack." She groans.

I chuckle remembering that Jack is thirteen and can practically watch himself. But he's done some stuff that made his parents lose trust in them so Genevieve has to watch him every once in a while.

"Go, I'll be fine. I guess I just really needed to let things out." I reassure her.

She bites down on her lip, rereading the text message one more time. "Are you sure? You know I'd never want to leave you like this. Especially when you're in this state-"

"Go! Go before your brother gets a girl pregnant or something." I smile.

Genevieve tries not to laugh and snaps at me. "Don't joke about. You know Jack's capable of it. Sure he may seem innocent but I swear I hear him watching porn like-"

"Go!" I burst into laughter.

She sighs and rushes out of the door. She peeks her head in and tells me, "I'm here to talk whenever. You know that right?"

I nod and she grins. She shuts my door and I hear her race down the stairs.

After she leaves I finish my sandwich as I watch anything that comes up on Netflix. Once I finish eating the chills return and they run up and down my body. I walk up to my vanity mirror and stare at myself.

"I just want happy Selena back."

Me too, Genevieve. Me too.

I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm not the Selena that always got complimented for having a big smile. I used to wake up early for school so I'd have time to do makeup and pick out a cute outfit. Maybe it was me trying to impress Calvin. Once I broke up with him I stopped doing it as much. I did it once in a while but not every day like I used to. My dark circles are basically purple and I can see bags starting to form.

The tip of my nose is bright red. My nostrils are sore from rubbing the tissue that feels like sandpaper over them. My hair is a frizzy mess. I missed Monday this week and when I went back on Tuesday it's like everyone had heard the news too. I mean how couldn't they? The local news had a whole story on it.

They didn't even bother to spell his name right.

I've been going to school in hoodies and sweats with no makeup on. Sure that's what other people wear as their usual but I don't. I always cared what people thought about me even though society says you shouldn't.

I'm acting like he's dead. He's not dead. He's alive. He's wired to a bunch of tubes. That's what Elle tells me. She insists on me coming in to see him but I can't. I don't think I could handle it. I think I'd burst into tears.

I don't know why I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop thinking about his smile and how he always wanted me to feel comfortable. I can't stop visiting his parents or wondering if he has his glasses on even tho his eyes are completely shut.

It's because it's my fault he's in this. I can never bring myself to admit it to Elle and Steven. They'd hate me. Elle would yell at me for ruining her life or something. It's my fault they're even in this situation.

It's my fault.