Prinxiety One Shots

If I Could Tell Him

Ok so this is before my Only Us chapter, like, immediately before, because I don't remember the plot exactly (even though I've seen DEH live) and I'm too lazy to figure it out. I am also far too lazy to find the actual lines leading up to this so I'm making it up. Whatever you'll get it.

In all that worrying about how I would mess up or how horribly I would admit to being a liar, I had never considered that there would be a positive. All I could think about was how awful a person I was. I hadn't even realized that I would have the chance to get closer to Roman.

This all ran through my head as I awkwardly sat on the edge of his bed. Under any different circumstances, I would have a major freak out. But this was a sad, gloomy time. I was so nervous that I would mess up and show too much emotion that I couldn't show any. It didn't seem like Roman could either.

"So..." He started and quickly trailed off. I guess we had to talk about what had happened, but I wish we didn't. I wish we were normal teenagers hanging out instead of being awkward and dancing around the subject of suicide.

"I'm really sorry, again, about what happened." I couldn't help but make it sound like my fault.

"Thank you. You're really helping my mom through this. It's... hard on her."

"What about you? How are you doing?" I started doing this to help his mom, and I'm glad it's still doing that, but I need to make sure that Roman is okay too. He sighed.

"It's complicated." I thought for a second before replying.

"I mean, sure. Feelings are complicated. I don't know exactly how to feel right now either. But you can talk to me, if you want. I might not quite be able to understand but I'll try my best." He shook his head.

"I appreciate it. I just don't know if I particularly want to say it. If I say it out loud it becomes real." I nodded sort of sadly. It's sort of comforting to know that we think the same way about things like this.

"I know that's scary, but I'm here for you. This must be hard for you and I want to help."

"It is hard but not in the way you're thinking." He took a deep breath before speaking again.

"My brother... wasn't the best. He was, well,  cold and insensitive, and he never thought about how what he did might affect people. I mean, I know you knew a different side of him. But he only showed that to you. In the emails, he's this bright, happy, and caring person that I don't know. I want to miss that Logan. But that just isn't real to me.

"I knew the Logan that never cared about feelings or anyone else. I knew the Logan that never cared about me. And I want to miss him but I... I can't. And I can't miss the Logan from the emails either because I never knew him. I can't feel anything and I just wish I did." His eyes were shining with tears by the end and I pulled him into a hug. This was awful. I handed him a tissue when we pulled apart.

"I know that this is hard. Logan really was unwilling to show emotions, even to me sometimes. But it doesn't mean he didn't care about you." He wiped his eyes then looked at me in disbelief. I couldn't really control what was coming out of my mouth but it seemed ok.

"He thought you were... awesome." He shook his head.

"He thought I was awesome? My brother?" He sounded unsure. Sure, I was making all this up, but there was no way Logan just didn't care about him. And I was going to convince Roman of it.

"Definitely," I said, smiling a little.

"How?" Another tear streaked down his face and it took a good amount of willpower not to gently wipe it away for him.