Notes to Ashton.

chapter 2

Dear Ashton,

your downstairs with Luke.

oh Luke. 

Do you remember when i introduced him to you?

you guys instantly clicked and became best friends. some times i wish i didnt because i dont get to hang out with Luke much anymore and he was my best friend. now hes yours. im not upset i just want to hang out with him more like we used to. 

but you need him more than i do. he makes you happy some how. 

Luke told me not to do anything stupid but sometimes i cant help it. 

Ashton im telling you my deepest secrets that no one knows. well besides Luke. but its not like your ever gonna read these notes that i write to you so im not actually telling you.

Your not even gonna know about this notebook, nor see it because then you might want to know whats on the inside and i cant let you see them. the notes. because you might think im stupid. a freak maybe. 

but back to Luke. 

he knows about my depression and how i self harm. sometimes i wish he didnt because he worries about me too much and i dont want him to be worried about me all the time. its not like im gonna pop a vein any time soon. 

i hope you dont do what i do. that would break my heart. 

but i cant be too sure because your so quiet and you shut everyone out. more me than anybody but you still shut us out and sometimes its not fair when all we are doing is trying to help you. 

Can i ask you a question? 

What did i do? for you to completely ignore me and kick me to the curb? 

well i know your not gonna answer so i dont know why i asked. 

Bye 

-Cameron

i shut the notebook and put it under my pillow, listening to the two boys downstairs laughing without a care in the world. 

i wish i could do that but Luke is with Ashton now. Luke is Ashton's best friend, not mine. and im not gonna ruin that. i went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and flinched as i looked down at my arms. the faded marks that are forever there remind me of all the dark times i have gone through. something i hope Ashton isnt going through. i didnt notice the tear falling from my face till i heard a voice asking why i was crying. 

i turned around and looked at Luke as he stood there with worry written all over his face.

"i hate them. i hate this" i motioned to my body and my arms. "but dont worry about it. Go be with your best friend." i said and walked by him, which caused him to grab my wrist and spin me around so i could face him. 

"your my best friend. you have always been my best friend and you will forever be my best friend. and your perfect alright? your body is fine and these scars just show how much of a fighter you are. how strong you are Cam" he said pushing back a few strands of my brown hair behind me ears.

"my body is not fine. i feel fat Luke" 

"your not fat. i can almost feel your ribs" he said and i laid my head on his chest. 

"im sorry" i mumbled and he lead me back to my room and laid under the covers. he lifted them up so i could get under and i gladly got under with him. 

he wrapped his arms around me and i laid my head on his chest, soon falling into a deep sleep.

Ashton Pov. 

i watched as Calum and Luke messed around and Michael was in the kitchen getting something to drink. 

i laughed as Luke was sitting on Calum and he was hitting Luke in the stomach and screaming from him to get off. 

something must have caught his attention because he got off calum with no back talking and walked up the stairs to the bathroom. i watched him and he opened the door and walked in with no complaints. 

i scrunched my eyebrows together and after a few minuets he came out with Cameron next to him. 

i got this feeling in my stomach as i saw his arms wrapped around her and her clutching onto his shirt. 

i got up and walked up the steps, waited a few minuets and then opened the door to see Luke and Cam sleeping in the same bed together. 

i know your probably wondering why i care if she's in the same bed with someone else, well...i kinda might like her. 

and its wrong. 

completely wrong and sometimes i don't care and i wanna tell her but i don't think she would give me the time of the day to even talk to her since i have been ignoring her at all costs.

and the only reason why that is, is because i know i cant control myself around her so i keep myself away from her as much as i can. 

and i don't wanna hurt her or put her through the things i go through. i don't want her wrapped up in the middle of it all. 

I closed the door ignoring the feeling that's in the pit of my stomach as Luke and Cam are sleeping in the same bed. I don't need to worry about it. I knew that I was never gonna be able to be with her anyway.

this is why I'm keeping my distance but i know that she thinks I hate her.

but I don't. I could never hate her. maybe if I just be friends with her this feeling will go away. and then I can pretend that I never felt any thing for her.

I walked back downstairs and messed around with the two boys for a few more hours before Amy said that it was 1 in the morning and that we needed to go to my room.

once in my room we all set ourselves up so we can sleep in comfort and we fell asleep watching American Horror Story.