The day of my father's funeral, I felt so hollow and numb inside. I pulled the black dress up my body and gazed down at the floor while Jared zipped up the back. It's difficult to explain the way I felt. Just empty and dead inside. We arrived early and I sat there, gazing at the casket for the longest time. Jasmin, Jason and I didn't get the happy reunion we had been waiting for. My sister held my mother's hand, not leaving her alone for even a second. She was always stronger than me, and then there was Jason. The older he got, the more he resembled my dad. He handled everything for my mother, greeting the guests and making sure things went smoothly.
Jared sat quietly next to me. I think he knew how hard this was for me and when I asked him to give me space, he did just that. He gave me just enough to let me grieve without ever going too far away. He also didn't do what so many others did, like tell me how this pain would fade and I would eventually move past it. Obviously that was true, millions of people go through it and survive, but it certainly didn't feel like it. This wasn't something as insignificant as a family pet passing away. No, this was daddy, the person who was partially responsible for the woman I had become today, and I wasn't sure how I would survive in this world without him.
During the day I wanted to be left alone and frequently found myself curled up in my father's chair. For some odd reason it made me feel closer to him. The tears streamed down my face as I held the throw blanket from the back of his chair up to my nose to inhale his lingering scent. I cherished it because I knew that it would soon fade and become just a memory.
Jasmin didn't cry much and I wondered if it hit her that he was really gone. Jason was older and a man, so he seemed to deal with the loss much easier. I was thankful there were three of us since I couldn't handle my own emotions, let alone try and comfort my mother. It felt as if the weight of the world rested on my shoulders and there was nothing I could do to get out from under it.
I don't know how I made it through the service, but once it was over all I wanted to do was climb into bed and stay there for the remainder of the day. Unfortunately, that was impossible due to family constantly stopping by to visit. My mother appeared to be doing better and I couldn't decide if it was just because she was being kept busy.
After greeting everyone and introducing Jared, I made my way up to my old room to pack. I made the decision to go back to work, even though Luke told me to take as much time as I needed. I simply felt that the more time I took off to sit around and sink further into an abyss, the harder it would be to pull myself out of it. I believed it was best to get back to my daily routine, or at least focus my attention on something else.
Sitting on the bed lost in thought, I looked up at Jared entering the room. "You vanished on me..... Again." His voice was soft and he moved closer.
I granted him a half smile. "I did, I'm sorry. I just needed to be alone and away from the criers. I was fine and then they started crying and it makes me start all over again. My face aches from crying so much."
I moved over, giving him enough room to sit next to me. "Well, it's a sad occasion, so yeah, people are going to cry, but I'm happy to see that you've stopped, at least for the time being." He rubbed his hand up and down my back. "You should try and eat something."
"Maybe later. I think I'm going to lay down for a while." He pulled the sheet over me as I lay down on my pillow. I hadn't even told him about my plans to go back to work, but was almost positive he would protest. I just needed some kind of normalcy in my life.
A few hours later, after everyone was gone, Jason and Jas came up to speak to me. Jared excused himself to run out and pick up some food, but I think the real reason was to give us some privacy.
Jason let me know that he was planning to move his family to Vegas sometime within the following six months, and Jasmin planned to have mom fly back to North Carolina with her for a few weeks. This was good news because I would worry about mom once I was gone. I also volunteered to have her come with me to New York.
Jason and Jasmin asked about my relationship with Jared. We really hadn't had time to just sit back and catch up since this wasn't a normal visit home. Dad did brag to them a bit about how much he loved Jared though. I explained that Jared and I had been seeing each other for a while now, and it was semi serious. While they were happy for me, Jason seemed to have stepped right into that protective big brother role, just as my father had with Simon, Jasmin's husband. Those were some big shoes to fill, but I had no doubt Jason would be great and daddy would have been proud.
Jared returned with food, but I still didn't have much of an appetite and only took a few bites. Along the way to my room, I stopped and peeked in on mom who was asleep.
Jared was talking on his phone when I opened my bedroom door and stepped inside. Lying on the bed and listening to his conversation, I was fairly certain he was talking to his mother.
I just intended to rest my eyes, but when they opened again, I looked at the clock to see that it was nearly two in the morning. Quickly turning around, I realized that I was alone in bed.
I decided to get up and go look for Jared. Rubbing my eyes, I stepped into the hallway noticing the door to my father's music room was cracked open and the light was on. Walking closer I froze, listening to music fill my ears and just as the tears began to flow I heard the voices of my brother and Jared. The sound of balls smacking together told me that the pool table was in use.
As Freddie Mercury sang in the background, Jason was playing a round of twenty questions with Jared. My first instinct was to rescue him, but then curiosity got the better of me and I just leaned against the wall listening. Jason was grilling the hell out of him about his intentions with me, but Jared took his time and gave calm, clear responses.
"Don't hurt my sister and you and I will get along just fine." I heard Jason warn him, and sighed, thinking that he sounded so much like dad. A few seconds later, Jared responded. "Yeah, that won't happen. As I've told your parents, I have nothing but the best of intentions with Jennifer."
Laughter soon followed and I knew they'd soon become good friends. I stood, listening for a few minutes longer and then wandered down the stairs. Most of the lights were out, but as I got closer to dad's recliner, I noticed Jasmin was in it. Scooting over, she made room in the oversized chair for me. I could tell that she had been crying and I pulled the blanket from the top of the chair to cover us as I sat down. We spent the next hour and a half giggling at some memories and crying over the loss of our beloved daddy.
