Uppercut (A James Maslow FanFic)

Chapter 26

Chapter 26

The grip I had on my pillow tightened, my arms constricting around it like I was holding onto it for dear life. I was laying on my bed. A very sleepy Devon had fallen asleep next to me on the mattress. It was late afternoon. Sunlight shone through the window of my bedroom telling me that I should get up, that I couldn’t just lay there all day. But, I refused to listen. I had spent most of my day in this spot.

With everything that had happened yesterday, all my energy had been drained. I had thought that nothing could get worse after hearing that James had found Ashton but, I had been wrong. The fear caused by that news, combined with the fear that came with all of Ashton’s late night phone calls, was enough to paralyze me. Too much was happening too quickly and I didn’t know how to handle it.

Then of course there was also the voicemail. After my conversation with Alex late last night, I still hadn’t been sure what to do. I had sat in the living room, staring at my cell phone for a good hour. My heart had been pounding as I contemplated my decisions. I had tried to come up with all the possible outcomes that could result from listening or not listening to the voicemail. Eventually, I had given in.

I rolled over on my bed, turning to face Devon. He was sound asleep. I still felt my mind was spinning from yesterday’s events. It didn’t feel real. As I remembered everything that happened, unexpectedly, Ashton’s words came rushing back to me. I took a deep breath as I tried to prepare myself for the same voice message that had played over and over in my mind since I had listened to it last night.

“…Hey…Maddie,” Ashton sounded extremely nervous. I could imagine his squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to come up with something to say. “Um, sorry if I woke you. I just… I can’t do this anymore,” He paused to take a deep breath. “I-I can’t keep sitting around, feeling sorry about what I did to you,” Another pause. “Remember our last phone call? The one where I said I wasn’t ready? The one where you cried so hard that is crushed my soul into a million pieces? The sound of you bawling like that… it still haunts me...” Ashton’s voice sounded pained. By the tone in his voice, it seemed like he was telling the truth, and it killed me. “And I know that that was just the beginning of your misery… and I’ve never felt worse about anything in my entire life.

I’ve felt extremely guilty since that phone call and every day since then. I thought the guilt would die down after a while but, it was just the complete opposite. It’s been eating me alive over the years and I-I can’t take it anymore,” I could picture him biting his lip and he poured out all of his bottled up emotions. “I know it probably seemed like I was ignoring you a-and I’m sorry... But, it was actually so painful for me. I couldn’t go one day without feeling like I was slowly getting ripped apart. I was afraid to see you or talk to you… because I knew you wouldn’t let me in and give me a chance to make everything better. I knew you’d end up screaming at me and I didn’t want to hurt you anymore,”

Ashton took another shaky breath before continuing on. “If you ever hear this message, just know that I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to make it up to you, I know that, But, I-I just can’t go on living like this, Mad. I just wanted to apologize for anything and everything I’ve ever done to you. I guess… I guess that’s all I can really say right now.  I-I just thought you needed to know…”

Just thinking about what he had left me in my voicemail caused my heart to pound. I never expected for Ashton to ever say anything like that to me. I never expected to hear about how he had been just as miserable as I had been. I didn’t want to know that Ashton had been in pain because of his decision to abandon both me and his unborn child. Just hearing his voice as he tried to apologize, it hurt me. I felt all the wounds reopening. What was I supposed to do? How did I continue on from this point? What would the next step in my life be?