Hidden Behind Everything Happy

People Film

I let you see this now, knowing that when you read this I'm either dead or extremely close to it. I love you Mum, and I always have. You have always tried your best to protect me, when it should have been me protecting you from that assholes vicious attacks; I'm so sorry Mum.

The Doctor has the hots for you, you know... Don't try looking surprised I know you well enough to see your smile whenever he is around. I know how it feels too now, so don't you dare let him go Mum. You hold tight, because not every man is like Dad. This guy knows about me, about your infertility, and the way Dad messed you about. And if he's willing to offer you his heart with all that racing around in his head I'm pretty sure he's worth a shot.

There's a letter here for Sophie too, I know you were wondering why she hadn't been on the scene in a while. Honestly, its because I was too cowardly to tell her the truth about my cancer, and I pushed her away. Pushing hard enough that she wouldn't want me anymore, and it was a complete self-sacrifice. I know its young love, and entirely ridiculous but she owns my heart Mum, just as much as you do.

 So Mum, can I ask you to do one thing for me? I know I don't have to ask, you've always been the best Mother and would do anything to help me.

Don't let her think I hated her, I loved her more than she'll ever know. Just don't go without giving her the letter Mum. And if for some reason something goes wrong but I cant make my own decision. Pull the plug.... please. 

P.S I love you

Reading this letter it was like my heart was beating in my throat. My seventeen year old baby boy was choosing to die, content with the idea that he'd lived his life. I sunk inside reading the words, he'd given up he girl he loved to protect her from a broken heart, he'd even forced her into moving on. That was self sacrifice for you.  

The doctor had been awfully kind all day as I sat, stood and fidgeted my way around the wards and waiting rooms; he watched from a distance occasionally bringing me a cup of tea or smiling and waving as he went to treat a patient. I couldn't resist the occasional glance at him treating a patient, I watched him hold the hand of a girl who's collarbone got broken when she was climbing a tree and thought about the letter from my son; who'd given me his blessing.  

"Are you ready to go and see Lukas?" The doctor was gentle at the hinting about me going to see my son, I felt hideous. Would I recognise him? Would he still look like my baby boy, or would their be bits missing and stitches everywhere? I knew how ridiculous that was, to think I wouldn't know him any more because he'd had one operation... 

"I honestly don't know, I feel numb" The doctor took my chin in his palm and smiled at me. Kind brown eyes shining with moisture, dark tan reflecting the glow of the artificial lighting and his mouth parting with speech to show perfectly set shining teeth. 

"You'll do fine, I promise" He steered my head toward the room, the private room where my baby lay. He hadn't woken up yet, but apparently he should do soon. But they couldn't tell if the operation had gone all successfully because they needed him to wake up; and he hadn't done that yet. 

He was wired up to a heart monitor and an IV drip was dropping liquid into his veins, he lay unconscious and pale. His head resting peacefully on the pillow and his eyes closed tight showing no sign of waking up any time soon. 

"If you could speak to him, it might help him to wake up. Familiar voices can be recognised, and almost shock the mind into returning to consciousness. Like when a baby wakes up because his mother is talking near him" I nodded understanding now why I'd had to stay silent whenever Lukas had been asleep in his cot. Even now I daren't talk whenever I walked past his bedroom. 

"Baby boy, Lukas, I know your in their sleepyhead. I need you to do something for me sweet, if you can hear me can you squeeze my hand" I laced my fingers with his and got no response. Nothing. Zilch. 

"Nothing's happening" I said feeling shaky. Why didn't he squeeze? From what I'd gathered in movies that had been an appropriate thing to say, but I'd gotten nothing. 

"It can take a little time, maybe try talking about his childhood or something" I looked at the doctor and I could feel the life ebbing out of my little angel. Almost as if it was flowing out through his fingertips into the room. I didn't have many memories of his childhood, I'd been working at the hospital as a nurse and he'd been home, being 'looked after' by his Father. 

"I wasn't one of those stay at home mums, I didn't see him all that often for the first few years of his life. I was working all the time, looking after people rather than looking after him. I never thought that  his father would hurt him, else I would never have left him alone but I thought he was such a good man, and I was blinded by the fact that I loved him" I thought about that. It was true. 

"Your not a bad mum" I looked at the Doctor, did he honestly believe that? After everything that had happened to my Son, everything that he'd gone through. It was all my fault. 

"Your husband, Lukas' father is to blame. And the police will see that" I nodded and looked back at my son. His head with a long line of stitches from behind one ear up to his forehead. 

After half an hour more of me reminiscing to Lukas' (The worst word I could use, and the first that popped into my head) corpse-like form. The doctor said he had diminished into what was called a trauma induced coma, it apparently happened after serious brain related operations. The X rays had shown last minute that he had also developed another tumour, this one placed at the rear of the optic nerve. I was desperate not to have to make this horrific decision. 

"No, cant I try something else" The Doctor looked guiltily at the floor. Was this it, did my little boys life literally lie in my hands? Was I to decide the outcome of my child's life?

"There's nothing we can do to wake him up, no drugs will wake him up. Its almost as if his brain has gone into hibernation" I thought about that. My son wasn't a bloody laptop, or a squirrel. People's brains didn't just go into hibernation.

"What if someone else can wake him up? What if I can get someone else to do it" The Doctor looked shocked. Lukas had been insistent nobody but his own Mother was to visit him in his hospital bed. 

"Who?" The Doctor gave me an incredulous look knowing nobody had been mentioned by either Lukas or I in quite some time. I pulled Lukas' phone out of my pocket, seeing the messages unanswered from the person I needed to contact. 

I rang... 

"Sophie?"