Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Sooner Or Later

Death is inevitable. When we're born that is the one thing we can be sure is going to happen. And another certainty is that we will never know when this is going to happen, even if your terminally ill and given a month left to live, you can still never be sure. But I'm sure, I know that the inevitable is catching up with me and the idea of losing those people I love the most terrifies me beyond what I thought possible. 

I look older now. Staring in the mirror at my lifeless eyes. A hollow emptiness inside that I'd seen in many teenagers at some point. And more often than not, I'd seen it in hers. Those beautiful eyes that I'd seen from afar as well as up close. The way tyhey'd flare brightly when she was angry and the way she would sparkle when she smiled. I knew I'd never find a girl like her again if I looked for a thousand years. She was too perfect for their to be more than one of, my Sophie was beyond perfection. 

"Mum, I'm gonna go out for a bit" I smiled lightly to myself, the idea of going outside was both excruciating and perplexing. The sun would hurt my eyes, and burn my now bald head. My clothes hurt so I was stuck wearing linen and light cotton fibre so my skin didn't go flaky. And my face was drawn from exhaustion and lack of sleep, but the idea of sitting in the park reading a gory romance novel with the grass between my toes and beneath my feet was just too good to be true. 

"Are you sure, the doctor said that you shouldn't be out on your own. I'll come with you" She seemed so worried about me all the time now, like I wasn't the same teenager I always had been. It infuriated me to think that because of one silly word my entire life had to change. 

"No don't worry, I would just like to have a few minutes to myself. This house is a prison to me" Her eyes filled  with water and her fist banged on the tabletop in anger, but I knew my mum too well to believe she was actually angry at me. She was just angry at everything. 

She was angry at the doctors, and the hospital. Angry at my Dad and at herself. Angry at me for not complaining more, angry at my high pain threshold and angry at the world for letting this happen to her precious son. 

"I'm only trying to do what's best for you!" I just then decided that what she meant by 'the best for me' was 'what the doctor ordered'. 

"Mum, back off. You think that because the doctors say 'bed rest and loving company' is best for me; I think its best for me, well I don't. I am not the kind of person who can sit at home in his bedroom for hours feeling sorry for myself. I need to be doing something, anything to keep my mind off of this thing!" I grabbed my key and then the door handle. She could try tying me to the house but I would still find a way out, I needed to get away from here for a little while so I could think without being watched.

"Please, just take your phone with you" She held out my phone like it was some kind of life line, I could see the desperation glowing behind her eyes. She didn't wanna be angry, she wanted to be the happy bubbly mum she always had been, she wanted to be able to joke around and laugh about current event and how stupid the government were; she didn't want this. I was becoming a burden to her, one she couldn't escape or hide from. One she was duty bound to protect. 

I took the phone with a sheepish smile. I knew she meant well, my Mum. I also knew she would do anything for me. Anything to make me better, anything at all. Even become ill herself to take my place, but I knew this was how things were meant to be. I had had a life of pain; burns, cuts, bruises, destruction, desolation and loneliness. And then there was Sophie. 

I sat down in the grass at the park with my flip flops kicked to the ground beside me. My skin was rough and tight on my legs, and I could feel a mild headache coming on; I ignored the dull thudding pain as their was not much I could do about it. I moved my touch screen with my thumb and opened up the photograph folder, I searched through the reams of photographs before finding the section when Sophie and I were jumping around like lunatics on her bed. Dancing to one of her awfully cheesy songs that she loved so much. 

She'd given me the puppy dog eyes and the pouty bottom lip and there was nothing I could do but obey her every command. I was useless against her powers of persuasion. I thought happily about some of those certain powers, and how her fragrances all smelled summery and safe. Like I was a bee and she was a flower. 

I knew that Sophie would never trust me again. Never believe a word I ever said. And the self loathing I felt for having to shatter her heart like that gave me no pleasure at all. But it had been necessary, and if I could go back in time I would have to do it again. Because in the long run it would keep her safe, it would keep her out of danger and heartache. And ultimately, it meant she could be happy again. 

My perfect Sophie. 

A brilliant and coincidental sight met my eyes when I looked up to the far entrance near the fountain.  There was a beautiful girl walking across the grass near the flowerbed, she was wearing a pair of denim short shorts, a green vest top with a green and yellow necklace along with a cropped denim jacket, her long dark curly hair was flowing around her face and shoulders, slightly highlighted by the sunlight she'd been exposed to in America. Her skin was tanned and her eyes were bright, her smile wide as she bounced merrily in front of the red poppies that were planted in lines. 

I could hardly believe that the girl who had been playing on my mind for the last three weeks was the person who walked across in front of me on my first day out of the hospital. I could see her eyes shining and her smile told me she was going to meet someone. I couldn't help but feel slightly jealous that she was so stunning, and happy, and going out to socialise when I was being forced to hide behind sunglasses and a hat so nobody thought anything was wrong with me. 

I typed quickly into my phone, and then pressed send. She was nearly at the archway at the middle of the path next to the fountain now, and she felt the buzz in her pocket and pulled out her new pink mobile phone. She started typing like a whirlwind, she'd always been fast on a mobile. Then I found my reply. 

Surprised u txt me :/ Nout much, you? 

I didn't bother to reply. I saw as she pushed her phone back in her pocket the corner of an envelope. She pulled it out of her pocket, and started jogging while holding the unopened letter. She had  a smile on her face which faltered as she slowed down, I looked in the direction of her eyes. The was a well groomed, broad-shouldered man, flowing blond hair and blue eyes gleaming in the heat of the days sun. I found it hard to watch as she stood in front of Riley, his eyes followed her body and I could see the lust and love hidden in his eyes. He took the letter with a weak smile. 

Sophie, my perfect Sophie. Oh how I miss you, I thought desperately as they walked off out of the park. Neither had seen me, or noticed the weirdo staring at them. They didn't seem to be talking much, Sophie had stuffed her hands in her pockets looking straight forward and Riley was staring at the envelope like it had something fascinating printed on the front. 

They had no physical contact and barely anything was said between them. I watched with a desperation rising in my stomach. How could I ensure Sophie would be happy, when she wouldn't even admit to herself that she was meant to be happy with the man she loved... Riley. 

I heard a little buzz and looked down at my phone, hoping against hope that Sophie had text me begging to be friends again, at least friends. No such luck, and although I loved her with all my heart I knew I had to let her go. 

I read the text almost smiling. 

R U home 4 T, I will make your favourite...? :) 

My Mum had a way of being sweet without meaning to, and I valued her now more than I ever did before. But part of me was still dreading going back home, to the place where so much anger, hatred and violence had happened. I could hardly bear the thought of going home. 

I then received another text from my mother. 

R U alright. Don't ignore my texts Lukas! >:(

Yep, checking up on me again. All because of one diagnosis, all because of one stupid little word. All because Karma had come to bite me on the ass for not being the perfect example of human nature. I now understood why everyone hated the word; cancer.