Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Message On The Wind...

It felt strange to be sitting in a cafe with Riley. It felt even stranger when I noticed Lukas was now the one ignoring me rather than the other way round. There was something strange too about how Riley wasn't asking anything about Lukas and I, not even asking anything about relationships, love or feelings. It felt kind of gutting to think he'd given up. 

"So what do you think it means?" I asked barely able to take the tension anymore, the silence was killing me. I knew it had been making him feel uncomfortable too, he'd been biting his nails and twiddling his thumbs as he read with me not talking. 

"I don't know, I mean. It sounds like he wants to meet you. Like he might actually be real, but he hasn't got any return address so maybe he's just assuming that you'll turn up. Which is presumptuous, and weird because he hasn't seen you for sixteen years. So presuming you wanna see him is well odd" I listened intently weighing up the options, yes, it was definitely weird. I had thought so too, this was my second letter and I had no idea what to do about it. Did I turn up at the restaurant and wait and see if he turned up, waited to see whether my Dad was alive or dead?

"I've been thinking I should really ask my Mum how she knows for sure that he's dead? I mean, if the police told her then they could have gotten it wrong. There's no guarantee that my Mum buried her husband, it might have been somebody else" I thought hopefully, then I felt guilty because I was selfishly wishing death on another young man who could be a father because I missed mine so bad. 

"Sophie, the police don't make mistakes like that. There would have been a postmortem" I thought hard about that, I didn't much like the idea of asking my mother about my Dad's death. It gave me the creeps to talk to her about that, I couldn't know for sure if she was lying or not. And as for the postmortem I'd never heard anything about it. 

"What if it wasn't my Mum who did the postmortem Riley, what if somebody else did it, and identified the body wrong? And also, the body might have been unidentifiable by postmortem. If it was based on dental records he might have had false teeth or dentures. They might have just found a similarity between the body and the missing persons report from my Dad or-" Riley put his hand on top of mine and I realised just how desperately hopeful I was being. 

He gave me a look with one raised eyebrow, I sighed in response and leaned back on my chair getting rid of his hand on top of mine. He nodded and smiled, like he understood I wasn't ready to have proper physical contact yet. 

"Are you gonna ask your Mum then?" I nodded in response and took another mouthful of my coffee. 

I ordered a chocolate milkshake and Riley ordered a banana equivalent. He came and sat down again while we were waiting for them to bring our drinks out on a black shiny tray. When it came the girl handed me a letter with a perky smile on her face, Riley's face blanked and mine dropped and turned white. I could feel the colour draining. 

"A man came in a minute ago, asked me to give this to you as it saved him posting it to you" I took the note with a shaky hand and asked her which way the man had gone. She shrugged and walked back up to the counter, she didn't look like she'd been too happy to deliver the errand. Riley could see the fear that had gripped me when the letter was delivered, and I could barely bring myself to open it. It was one thing to know he'd been watching me grow up, but a completely different thing to have him come into a cafe where I was sat and not even notice him. To think he's a stranger and that he could follow me anywhere. 

I just then ripped open the letter and read only two lines. 

"Oh shit, oh shit!" I stood up nearly knocking the table over as I jumped in fright. This was getting too much, this was just getting weirder and weirder and making me feel worse and worse. 

"Whoa, Sophie calm down. What did he say?" I just dropped the letter on the table, evacuating the stupid cafe and emerged safely into the outside world. What right did my 'Daddy' have to say anything like that to me? Meet up with me, my ass? It would so NOT be happening. 

I walked down the road through the park again where that creepy looking tramp had followed my every move, he wasn't there anymore. I thought defensively, what if that had been my father? The man I had grown up thinking I knew. I found myself wondering why my Mother and Father had broken up in the first place, she'd never told me that. What if he'd been obsessive, or violent. There was a scar on my Mums leg which she said she'd got when she'd fallen out of a tree as a child, horrific images of throwing plates and knives entered my head. I'd had no reason to doubt my love for my father, until I came face to face with him. And didn't even know it. 

"Sophie!" I felt a hand on my shoulder, I knew it was Riley but even with him familiar hand on my shoulder I couldn't take it. I pulled away feeling his heart shatter as his hand dropped, I couldn't even stand to have him touch me. Not because of anything he'd done, but I'd been lied to by everybody my entire life, Mum, Aunt Glow and my Uncle, my Dad, Imogen, and even Riley. How could I not be insecure about trusting people anymore. I'd trusted Riley with my body before, and the right to touch me, and he'd betrayed me. 

"I um... I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be what you thought he'd be" I smiled to myself, I wasn't even sure that was true. Maybe he was the kind, loving Dad I'd always believed he was, maybe he was genuinely looking out for me and accidentally coming across as stalkerish. Maybe his constant presence was meant to be comforting, when in reality it was disturbing. 

"He still could be, do you think I should meet him?" Riley looked at the ground and then back up to my eyes, he could tell I wasn't really looking at him. I was terrified to fall in love with those startling eyes and that kind smile again. I wasn't ready to put my trust completely in him yet. 

"I'm coming with you if you are meeting him. We've no proof its him Sophie, and if its not him we don't know who it could be" I nodded understanding why it could be dangerous for me to go alone. I didn't really like the idea of my first meeting with my Dad to be supervised. But what choice did I have? 

"Okay, well when we have a date I'll tell you" I solemnly swore to tell him, even though I knew my nerve would disintegrate and I would go alone in the end. His concern was sweet and irritating, because I knew that I liked him caring about me more than I should, after what he did to me.