Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Lukas

Lukas came into my house a couple times with more bruises and cuts, and when I tried to ask him to tell someone, a councillor or a police officer or even a teacher he'd clam up like I'd said something completely dumbfounded.

"Lukas please, don't you understand that this is going to keep happening unless to do something about it!" I grabbed his arm and he pulled back like I'd branded him. I felt helpless and useless, how could I help him fine wouldn't even help himself. That's the day I found out abut his wrist bands.

"I am doing something about it see!" He screamed pulling back the elastic aged fabric to reveal white puckering lines on his otherwise smooth untainted skin, I was shocked and perplexed. It's like I Cohen fathom what he'd just told me, this revelation caught me hard like a winter wind in the face. Myimd was screaming he cut himself to take away the pain, and my heart could hardly believe that my Lukas could have been so stupid. He covered them up quickly with dazed eyes suddenly realising what he'd done, I couldn't believe it. All this time I'd thought he was happy and level headed, it was like I didn't know him at all. I reached my hand out and found the wall behind me, leant and then slid down the wall so I was sat with my legs flat in front of me just staring into oblivion. He could have killed himself, and I would have lost him too.

"Sophie...I don't know why I...Sophie?" I could hardly breathe, shallow rasps coming out making me feel sick, but I cousin even think. Being rational seemed pointless and altogether out of the question. He knelt in front of me and tried to look Ito my eyes but I reused to look, instead looking at my clean unscarred wrists and valuing heir normality for the first time in my life.

"I can't believe you did this" I meant to me as much as to himself, I was being selfish but he knew how much I depended on him and needed him and he was willing to risk his life for some thrill. Some stupid fucking adrenaline rush that lasted all of ten seconds before it hurt and he had to do it again. Not to mention that I was trying so hard to be perfect for him, to be everything he could ever want.

"Sophie it's nothing to do with you" That hurt. I couldn't stop my anger as it erupted. And I heard the snap of skin on skin before I even registered I'd moved my hand. He looked shocked and tears were soiling my cheeks saltily. He was looking blankly at me before his eyes retained use realised I was crying.

"Oh Sophie" I was sobbing, I seemed to spend a lot of time crying which was both silly and unfortunate because I thought I was quite rational and I hated crying because who wants to look weak?

"How could go do that, are you stupid? Don't you understand that could kill you, you could die! And I'd be sat there at your funeral knowing that you died because I didnt make you happy enough to value your life beyond some stupid thrill" I hit the wall beside me hard with my hand and heard he crack of either the wall breaking or my hand, I gathered from the pain it was my hand. I winced and threw another punch with the same hand this time seeing a little burst of powder as the plaster behind the wood crumbled slightly.

"What good did that do, didn't that just hurt?" I looked at him and saw that he made no link to my pain with his obsession.

"Doesn't slitting your wrists hurt too? Doesn't watching the person you love in pain hurt you too?" I stood up and walekd into my ensuite bathroom and took the razor off the bathroom shelf inspecting it. I could make a point now, when I was angry enough to damage things that were mine and maybe damage myself just to show him that his pain was mine. He was stood in the doorway with shock on his face. more than shock; shock horror.

She was stood in the bathroom looking in her mirror at her tear stained face, the razor in her hand and she was inspecting it. I could barely move, the idea of her blood spilling sent shivers of horror down my spine and the idea of her pain made me barely able to speak.

"So how'd you do it? Randomly slash or is it specific positioning? Do u hack or do you slide, I'd really like to know your daily fucking routine!" I was speechless, how was she able to stand there comprehending the idea of cutting her own wrist. I was watching in contempt, how could she be stood there doing that? I felt like grabbing that razor and slashing it against my wrist, watching the blood drip down. but not her blood.

i could see it in her eyes, this burning desire to get back at me. But didnt she see, was it so hard to comprehend that this was the only thing i could do, the only thing i had control of in my life. She hated it, the prospect of me harming myself even though i called myself happy, told her she made me feel good. It must be a smack in the face to see what I'd been doing.  

Not like it mattered in the long run, I'd end up dying anyway.  

"Well, aren't you going to say anything?" She had the blade against her skin, and her eyes were watery adm her hand was shaking she was gonna do something stupid.  

"What am I supposed to say?" It was like her heart shattered in front of my eyes. Her eyes spilled big tears that ran down her face bathing her cheeks in light mascara. Her eyes were shiny and her hand was shaking nervously. She pulled back the razor and chucked it at the mirror, it cracked and tiny spider crawls leaped from the impact point. I'd never seen Sophie like this, I'd seen her sad but I'd me er seem her violent, other than with Imogen, but that had been funny more than hateful.  

"What the fuck Sophie, calm down!" I pulled the razor from the mirror and watched as glittering share sit glass fell to the countertop. She watched as they twirled. A little waltz of sharp splinters.  

"Fuck off Lukas, you say it's nothing to do with me... Well excuse me for loving you so damn much!" I was stunned, she loved me; since when? I was just dumbfounded and staring at her perplexed. Did she mean it? 

"Why do you look so surprised? I asked you to come to America, I gave you Rileys ticket and I turned him down at prom for you!" she knelt down and started frantically picking up the glass, the shards cutting into her palms, I knelt down too and saw her blood spilling and trickling onto the floor.  

"Sophie..." I didn't know what to say.  

"What, you dont like the blood? My blood not good enough for you? You prefer the scars on you instead!" She shrieked as she chucked the glass into a bag and clenched her fist, it was the strangest sight. she had her hand balled ito a fist and its like i was entranced by it, her fingers corssed around each other and then the blood was cascading in her palm and running out of her hand onto the floor. little ruby red diamante beads faling like crystalised tears.

"Sophie, its not that I like the pain or anything like that" I said honestly finally understanding why she was so utterly pissed off. it must seem like every smile and laugh she had ever seen me do was fake, like i had been acting the entire time i was with her and i pitied her that she was doubting everything i had said to her. It must be slowly tearing her apart.

"You are so not the guy who helped me to safety when he found me in that graveyard! You are not the same boy who defended me against his crazy ass father! And you know what else, that man who made me feel beautiful last week when he slept here is not you! Because my Lukas had bravery, and he was strong and i dont know who you are but i want you to get out!" Her hands were bloody and raw. i was stunned, and horrified by what she had just said.Did this really change everything for her?

Could my stupid way of controlling my life really effect the way she thought about me that much? make her doubt everything i had said and everything she loved about me? 

"Sophie come on its not that big a deal" She bashed her hand against the wall again and i heard the crunch as her knuckles collided with the plaster and she jumped in rresponse to the pain. doublnig over and screaming.

"Dont touch me!" I had moved close enough to touch her and i didnt bother to try to once shed said that. it was like shed punched me in the gut and thrown me down the stairss herself, instead of my 'crazy ass father'.

"Call me when your over this" i headed for the door. i didnt even care that tomorrow we were meant to be going to America, i didnt even care that  the girl i loved was gonna be lost to me forever. i felt it again. That hideous pain in my chest, I decided then and there that now would be a good time. i had to go back now.

For my final round.