Hidden Behind Everything Happy

The Letter That Changed My Life

Dear Sophie,

You must know now, by seeing my handwriting, that I am the one who sent you letters. They tormented you, wracked your brains, betrayed your trust, upset and destroyed you. Please believe me when I say I am more than sorry for that Sophie... Please.

I only did it because I needed to let you go. It wasn't fair for me to be with you under false pretenses, and before you ask why didn't I just tell you the truth? Its because I was selfish and afraid, after everything with my Dad I'd resigned myself to the fact that I could never be happy, and the cancer proved me right. The day we got our six form results was the day I got diagnosed, I went to the cemetery to cool down and calm off. The angels must have been watching over me that night, because you fell right into my lap. And everything good from that moment on was down to you Sophie, you showed me a kindness nobody else could, you showed me how to love when I had no idea how to, and you proved to me that even in the darkest of situations, there are certain things left to live for.

You are the reason I lasted so long.

You are the one person I know I can count on, I love you Sophie. I love you! I've never said that before, and if your reading this then I know I never will again. But that's okay, because I got to say it once and mean it. To you.

I know your wondering why I sent you the letters though, the above didn't really get into explaining that did it?... Well, I was too terrified to tell you the truth after you'd made me fall in love with you, and I didn't want you to be with me because of obligation. I couldn't live with myself if I thought you were only there because I was ill.So I lied to you.

I lied to you for months. I never told you the truth, I tried breaking up with you to make the separation I'd feel when I died easier. Nobody knows what its like when you die, well I am terrified its an endless oblivion of darkness where I'll be left in the dark missing every little aspect of you. From your button nose, to your tiny toes. Ha! That rhymed.

Anyway, the day I decided to break us off you told me you loved me, and I couldn't let you go through the loss of losing the person you loved, not after your Dad. So I hatched a plan, not a nice plan mind you, writing those letters had me feeling sick to the core.

I decided you had to fall out of love with me, and feel so entirely alone that you would have to go back to Riley, (Even though personally I think he's a bit of a jerk off) because he was the only other person you'd ever said those words to. And I didn't want you to be alone.

I messed with your head, made Courtney take my side by lying to her about you cheating on me. I needed you to lose even her, but I'd forgotten about Nicky and when you told me you'd slept with him it was like my world imploded. I hadn't considered how much seeing you with someone else would hurt me. But that's my own fault, I pushed you away so you were with someone else. Just like I'd planned.

I'm kinda ace at scheming; I found.

So Sophie, don't worry you, didn't cheat on me. I knew you'd be upset about me thinking that, I expected a text at most, but when you turned up at my house you made me crazy. I wanted to kiss you so bad it was like a gravitational pull, but I couldn't. I had to send you away with the heartache of knowing that I would never see you again. I watched as Nicky and Courtney took you back on the bus, and I knew you weren't alone anymore. You had him, and you would be able to live happy once I was gone, which was all I needed to die in Peace. 

Do one thing for me Sophie, take another guy to the treehouse and make them fall in love with you under the light of the candles, the way you did with me. Cook for another man, and make him laugh at your clumsiness. And above all, never shy away from love. Embrace it; I believe its rare, and once you've found it you cling to it for all your life's worth. I wish I had.

I love you with every fibre of my being, til the sun and back, never forget me but forgive me.

Lukas - The guy who's heart you stamped your name on. x

Can you see why his words changed my outlook on life? Even now I still get choked up reading it. His heart was scrawled on that paper, and he told me the one thing he'd been to shy to say in person. That he loved me. 

My name is Sophie. I'm nineteen and the whole world fell apart in front of me three years ago, and with the help of one person in particular, I'm rebuilding my life. No matter how hard I try I cant get it out of my head; and I don't want to. Its like everything I do and think pulls me back to that day, to that day when everything went wrong. But then I look at my life now, and how beautiful the world is and my one rule is to never take it for granted. You never know when something could take it away from you.

Three years ago... Today. This is my story of how the last three years helped me, and changed me, and partially destroyed me. And how much I miss my Dad and the boy who broke my heart, but slowly they helped put me back together. They may not be here with me anymore, but I know there not too far away.

"You ready?" Nicky transferred to my college and lives in my apartment with me, Mum met a guy called Stuart who thinks she's the most gorgeous woman in the world. And he wouldn't be too far wrong.

Imogen got pregnant with Riley's baby, and she dropped out of college at the end of out first term. But its okay for them, they've got very rich very supportive parents, and Riley loves his baby, and Imogen loves Riley, and the baby because a part of Riley is inside him. Their happy.

Lukas' Mum, and her new husband (I know right!) Eric, are having a great time. They redone the entire house, turning Lukas' room into a nursery. Oh, didn't I mention? There having  a baby, at the odds of a million to one she managed to get pregnant and carry full term even with her womb problem. The baby is due today as well... on my birthday.

I'm going with Nicky down to Lukas' grave. There's always flowers, and I can imagine the smug grin he must have on his face wherever he is watching so many visits come his way. Its many more than he got in life. Everything's going well, everyone's happy and smiling a lot; I often think of Lukas and my Dad when I see people smiling because theirs were so memorable. And  I get a pang of regret that they wont get to see me as I grow older, as I get married and have kids.

We've got it all planned out. And if I have a little boy one day we've both agreed to call him Lukas. Afterall we never would have become 'us' without him; its all down to Lukas.