Isla Verde #5: All Sweet Nothings

Phase 40

Phase 40

Kinalas niya ang mga braso ko sa kanyang leeg, nakita ko agad ang kalungkutan at pait sa kanyang mga mata habang nakatitig na sa akin. My heart went a bit wild and crazy while staring back with confusion. He arched his brow and then sighed gradually.

"But I don't want you to accept me, Cadence." he said in a serious tone. "That is unfair..."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa sobrang kaguluhan, my heart became wildfire this time. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasasaktan sa kanyang sinabi, kung hindi ko siya tatanggapin? Anong gusto niyang gawin? Maghiwalay kami? Kung hindi ko tatanggapin iyon, anong mangyayari sa amin?

"Pero, M-Minther..." bumuntong hininga ako pero hindi ko maituloy ang gusto kong sabihin sa takot na ayaw kong mabigla sa kanyang magiging sagot.

Baka... baka ayaw niyang tanggapin ko dahil mas obligasyon niya ang anak kaysa sa akin, baka iniisip niya na masasaktan ang bata kung magpapatuloy ang relasyon namin. It sounds stupid but damn, this isn't my fault but my heart's... my love for him is beyond heaven, the only love I want to feel in this life I have.

Acceptance isn't easy for some, but this is my nature. No one can judge or blame or even feel disappointed because they are not in my shoes. This is my place, this is what I want, not anyone's. Ako 'to, hindi si Minther o kahit sino. Kahit anong sabihin niya na ayaw niya ang pagtanggap ko ay wala siyang magagawa dahil natanggap ko na iyon, at hindi ko pinagsisisihan.

People doesn't have the same perceptions. May kanya-kanya tayong desisyon na hindi maiintindihan ng iba gaya ng hindi ko pagkakaintindi sa ilang desisyong aking narinig at nasaksihan sa buhay na ito. Hindi lang sa araw na ito kung hindi sa mga lumipas pa na pangyayari. The time I decided to leave Minther, that was my own decision, I did, even it means hurting myself because no one can understand me but myself only.

He caged my cheeks in his palms, I felt the warmth traveled down my spine and heart promptly. Suminghap ako at nanatili ang pagtingin sa kanyang ekspresyong hindi ko mahinuha kung ano ang mas lamang, kaseryosohan ba o inis.

He tilted his head and caressed my cheek using his thumb, pumasada ang tingin niya sa aking mga matang namumugto. Napailing siya na tila problemado at saka mabigat na bumuntong hininga, marahan niyang dinikit ang noo sa aking noo bago pumikit.

My heart crumpled. Ngayon palang ay naiisip ko na ang bawat posibleng mangyayari sa amin. If he doesn't want me to accept it, what should I do? Let him go and suffer from losing him? No. I will be selfish for the sake of my happiness and own decisions.

"I'm fucking in love with you that I wanted to kill myself after knowing I had a child with someone..." he whispered morosely.

I wanted to kill the pain of truth slap he gave, but not him. Pwede ko siyang iwanan pero ang mamatay siya ay ibang usapan na iyon.

He looked so calm and collected but I know the tone of his sad voice, he's sad... and annoyed for some reason.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita dahil nagpatuloy siya. Knowing what he feels after he learned about it, is thrilling me but I still want to hear from him. Tinanggap ko na ang sakit na dulot noon kaya wala akong magagawa ngayon kundi ang tumanggap pa ng ilang posibilidad na makatusok sa aking dibdib.

Sa buhay na ito, hindi na bago ang makaramdam ng sakit at sama ng loob, galit o poot, pagmamahal na wala sa kundisyon at pagmamahal na bulag. I felt everything even fear of losing the blindness, I just want to be blinded by the love I'm feeling for him. That's my shitty happiness I would never regret.

"I don't know but I feel bad when I found that out, I only thought of how you'd feel knowing that I bed a woman that isn't you. I'm fucking sorry and worried sick for your feelings,"